Freedom is only a click away >>>

I hadn't realized just how much of an affect you had on my heart and my mind, until just a few minutes ago. 

I was checking my facebook friends walls and ran across yours... that was the moment that it hit me.  You were talking some off the wall crap, that needed to be ignored, but it really hit me where it counts the most.  Down deep in my heart.... I guess your little mind-games and wicked words still had control over how I felt towards other guys and just men in general.  I almost lost a great friendship tonight, which all leads back to the way you treated me.  You had me completely brain-washed in believing that you had true genuine feelings for me.  But that wasn't the case, was it.  I was just your escape, a way out of your own pathetic excuse of a life.  I see that now, all too clearly.

You knew all the right words to say, to get me to believe your coniving, back-handed ways of thinking.  I was convinced that you cared for me, that you loved me, you even was the one to say it first.  Actually, you were the only one to say it!!  I never uttered those words... ever... to anyone before.  But I thought that it had to be true, because of the things you were saying sounded very heartfelt & sincere.  I felt sorry for you, and even pity for the stories you had told me about your upbringing and your background of the pain & abusive things you had to endure while growing up.  I won't go into details here, because it is not my story to tell, it was yours!!  Whether it was true or not, still remains to be seen.  It doesn't matter, that just because you had to endure it, you used it to your advantage to get people's sympathy and kind gestures to turn things around in your favor, to get what it was you wanted most... attention!  That is just mean and wrong on so many levels.  Not to mention it changed the way that I feel and look at men now. 

Trust is a big issue for me, always has & always will be.  It is hard enough for a single gay man to try to find a partner in this world today.  Let alone, one that is decent, trustworthy, kind, sincere, caring, monagomous or even interested in you for just being you and not just about sex!!!  I thought you were all of that, Boy was I ever wrong!!!

So, tonight, I did the one thing I should have done after the day I finally got to meet you.  After driving for four hours non-stop. After weeks and months of crying myself to sleep, in a deep depression, wondering what it was I had done to deserve to be treated like that. Thinking I was better off dead or to disappear off the face of the earth, to go where noone else could ever find me again.  Where I didn't have to worry about being hurt like that ever again.  And I wouldn't have to think about guys or love or asking myself those same questions over and over that would never get answered. After all of that, the lightswitch popped on over my head. I had finally found the freedom I was looking for to get over you once and for all.  I have blocked you, deleted you from my contacts, erased any and all messages and/or bad memories that I have of you from my life.

But proudly, I can say now that, I'm a little bit stronger. I have a little bit more confidence now & know what it is I have to do to find the peace and happiness that I so greatly deserve and am trying to achieve in my life.  I have to love and respect my self more now, to make damn sure that people like you and this sort of thing never happens to me or anyone else ever again!!!!!!

If there is a lesson to be learned here, it should be this... that no matter what hurt or pain you have suffered from the hands of someone else - You can move on with your life, and be happy once again. You can learn to leave them in the past and focus on your future.  There will come a day when it will only be a bad memory, like a bad dream, this too shall pass. You can have your freedom back from these bullies, abusers, brain-washers and demons that you have encountered.  Life does go on, so try to take it one day at a time & make each one of them count.  You should live each day as if though it were your last. Cherish each breath you take & each moment that takes your breath away. Love those around you & let them know just how much they mean to you today, right now, right this second, because they might not be around later. 

To each one of you reading this right now, if I havent told you lately, I love and cherish each and every one of you. Til we meet again, take care & may God watch over you and protect you til then.

Nightmares on Main Street

Was it really all just a dream, a fantasy of mine that I thought had come true which quickly turned into a nightmare, the torture & shocking cruelness of reality setting in that I just might be single for the rest of my life.  What I thought was the perfect guy, turned out to be... just a figment of my vivid imagination, yet again.  He does not exist.

Let's count shall we... 4 guys in 4 months time, that has got to be some kind of a sick demented record, at least in my book it is.  It all started around the first of May, when I met the first guy of this story (all names & identities will not be disclosed for privacy reasons).  Only due to the fact that I met him only twice and since I have no memory of what happened at the end of our second meeting, I will not go into that story on here nor will I ever speak of it again (so don't ask)!  So, I turned to my online friends who I have met thru a mutual website... where the 2nd guy I met comes into play.  He was a real piece of work, this one, it was a total roller-coaster ride with him.  He had me totally brain-washed, had me believing all kinds of bullshit that he handed me.  We skyped almost everyday for exactly 2 months, we had so much in common, or at least I thought so & was led to believe it was so.  He was the first one to say "I Love You" to me, although I took much longer.  He had understood what had happened with the first guy mentioned earlier, and could relate completely to everything that I had told him.  He had comforted me, consoled & confided in me with his own sob stories, which were relatively close to my own.  He even brought up the subject of marriage, saying he would buy me a ring, take me to New York & get married, then move down here from Virginia to live with me & would even pay off my mortgage completely for me.  Sounded good to me... at the time, I mean I couldn't have done better if I had tried.  Then we finally decided to meet on the 4th of July, it was a 4 hour drive to Richmond, Va where he lived with his "ex" (should've tipped me off right away, but I looked past that towards the bigger picture).  The entire drive up, he kept texting me about how excited he was to see me & that he couldn't wait to spend the rest of our lives together.  As soon as I pulled in the driveway and got out of my car to go and meet the man of my dreams, he became very distant & was acting as if he didn't even want to be near me, let alone be touched by me.  He was so stand-offish, that I was only there for a total of 2 hours, before I asked him what was wrong, to which he replied... "I just don't feel the vibe, like I did when we were video-chatting online."!!!   I quickly bolted out of there, with a very quick statement of 'nice to meet ya, I'm outta here' and started the 4 hour drive back home to be with my family and dear friends, just in time to catch the fireworks display that night.  He was into playing games, I am not into those kind of games, he had me like a puppet on a string, pulling every trick in the book, thinking I was gonna be a way out from his own depressing life.  Uugghhh!!!

So, once again, I turned to my online friends for comfort & support.  This is where guy #3 comes into the story, we had been talking off and on for months before the first two guys ever came into play.  So guy #3, knew the whole story, about everything I had just been through & was saying all the right words to make me feel better.  At this point, I haven't had any thoughts about sex, hook-ups, one-night stands, absolutely nothing to do with another man that even brought up the thoughts of sex.  He totally agreed & was in mutual agreement that it would be just 2 friends hanging out, taking things as slow as possible, and not to act on any feelings until I was ready.  I wasn't completely attracted to him at first, but he was very gentle & we did alot of simple cuddling and just hanging out, getting to know one another better.  Then a few days later, I became very sick, was even out of work for almost an entire week.  That was when I found out from a mutual friend who lived a block away from this guy, that they had had sex with one another, while I was at home sick as a dog in the bed.  I was furious, at both men, how could they betray me like that, considering both of these men knew everything that I had been through over the past couple months.  Every detail of every piece of torture I had experienced, I had confided with these two particular people, and they both stabbed me in the back!!!

I was done, decided it was time to take a seriously long break from all men at that time.  I fell into a deep depression, couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, didn't want to talk to anyone, didn't even want to get out of bed or from out of in front of the television.  Men were like a poison to me, but I missed talking to my friends so much, that one month to the day later, after getting my heart broken for the 3rd time in a row... I decided it was time to at least try finding some true friends to start hanging out with, just some people that I could trust to help me get out of the house & to help me start living my life again.  It was only on the second day, after I had created a new profile, and had described to the letter my every intent of only looking for friends, NO HOOKUPS!! NO SEX!!!, only serious people wanting to chat, that's when I met guy #4.  He was perfect, or so I thought, yet once again I was mistaken.  It was the weekend before he was to have started his last year of nursing school, that we decided to go and meet, just to talk & hangout.  I thought, how perfect could this be, he was a full-time student, working full-time on the weekends, knowing he wouldn't have that much time for me anyways.  But we continued to text like crazy, having so many things in common, saying how much he was into me as much as I was into him.  Saying things like, "why haven't you texted me more today" or that "I'm into you more than you are into me".  Boy, was I in for a rude awakening?!?!?!   After a late night texting session on Friday night, even after the conversations we had over dinner at my place on Wednesday night.... I knew it wouldn't be much longer, something bad was gonna happen.  I've gotten these same bad feelings with each and every one of the guys I have met.  He had told me he was gonna get his cell number changed, due to an "ex" that had just recently started bothering him again.  I had told him, jokingly, that he would end up not giving me his new number.  Sure enough, I haven't heard from him since Friday night & the text messages I've sent to his old number are saying "Sent" but "Not Delivered". 

Turns out, I am not even that tore up over this last guy.  A friend even told me that it is a good possibility, that he was already in a relationship, considering he never gave me his address, so I couldn't come to visit him. He would only text or call back when it was convenient for him & that he could only come to my place to see me. 

C'est la vie = that's life... live and learn, then move on.  Life is too short & too precious to have regrets, live for the moment & make each moment count.  Because you only get one chance to get it right the first time.  According to the gay community, I have only just begun.  But frankly speaking, I am fed up & don't wanna try anymore, if I am gonna keep going at this rate!  I still keep the faith that HE is out there SOMEWHERE, and that the true love I am searching for does exist, so I continue on my journey to find it.  But once again, I ask...

How do I get There from Here?