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I hadn't realized just how much of an affect you had on my heart and my mind, until just a few minutes ago. 

I was checking my facebook friends walls and ran across yours... that was the moment that it hit me.  You were talking some off the wall crap, that needed to be ignored, but it really hit me where it counts the most.  Down deep in my heart.... I guess your little mind-games and wicked words still had control over how I felt towards other guys and just men in general.  I almost lost a great friendship tonight, which all leads back to the way you treated me.  You had me completely brain-washed in believing that you had true genuine feelings for me.  But that wasn't the case, was it.  I was just your escape, a way out of your own pathetic excuse of a life.  I see that now, all too clearly.

You knew all the right words to say, to get me to believe your coniving, back-handed ways of thinking.  I was convinced that you cared for me, that you loved me, you even was the one to say it first.  Actually, you were the only one to say it!!  I never uttered those words... ever... to anyone before.  But I thought that it had to be true, because of the things you were saying sounded very heartfelt & sincere.  I felt sorry for you, and even pity for the stories you had told me about your upbringing and your background of the pain & abusive things you had to endure while growing up.  I won't go into details here, because it is not my story to tell, it was yours!!  Whether it was true or not, still remains to be seen.  It doesn't matter, that just because you had to endure it, you used it to your advantage to get people's sympathy and kind gestures to turn things around in your favor, to get what it was you wanted most... attention!  That is just mean and wrong on so many levels.  Not to mention it changed the way that I feel and look at men now. 

Trust is a big issue for me, always has & always will be.  It is hard enough for a single gay man to try to find a partner in this world today.  Let alone, one that is decent, trustworthy, kind, sincere, caring, monagomous or even interested in you for just being you and not just about sex!!!  I thought you were all of that, Boy was I ever wrong!!!

So, tonight, I did the one thing I should have done after the day I finally got to meet you.  After driving for four hours non-stop. After weeks and months of crying myself to sleep, in a deep depression, wondering what it was I had done to deserve to be treated like that. Thinking I was better off dead or to disappear off the face of the earth, to go where noone else could ever find me again.  Where I didn't have to worry about being hurt like that ever again.  And I wouldn't have to think about guys or love or asking myself those same questions over and over that would never get answered. After all of that, the lightswitch popped on over my head. I had finally found the freedom I was looking for to get over you once and for all.  I have blocked you, deleted you from my contacts, erased any and all messages and/or bad memories that I have of you from my life.

But proudly, I can say now that, I'm a little bit stronger. I have a little bit more confidence now & know what it is I have to do to find the peace and happiness that I so greatly deserve and am trying to achieve in my life.  I have to love and respect my self more now, to make damn sure that people like you and this sort of thing never happens to me or anyone else ever again!!!!!!

If there is a lesson to be learned here, it should be this... that no matter what hurt or pain you have suffered from the hands of someone else - You can move on with your life, and be happy once again. You can learn to leave them in the past and focus on your future.  There will come a day when it will only be a bad memory, like a bad dream, this too shall pass. You can have your freedom back from these bullies, abusers, brain-washers and demons that you have encountered.  Life does go on, so try to take it one day at a time & make each one of them count.  You should live each day as if though it were your last. Cherish each breath you take & each moment that takes your breath away. Love those around you & let them know just how much they mean to you today, right now, right this second, because they might not be around later. 

To each one of you reading this right now, if I havent told you lately, I love and cherish each and every one of you. Til we meet again, take care & may God watch over you and protect you til then.

A letter to myself...

No regrets.  Sure, I've done some things in my life that I'm not happy with, everyone's done or had at least one thing to happen in their lives that they weren't happy about, but there isn't one of those things that I would change if I could.  No one said life was easy, there's no user's guide or help desk.  Things happen, some we don't want to happen, but we have to learn somehow.  Learn from your mistakes, that is how you got to where you are today & has made you who you are.  Don't let them define you, but let them be an extension of what you can do to overcome them.

There are no easy answers, no simple way out of life.  You just have to work with what God has dealt you and make the best of it.  God will give you no more than he knows that you can handle.  Life is what you make of it, it is precious and it is short... so make it count. 

We only get one shot at it.  There are no second chances.  That is why they call it life, singular.  So, if you are not happy with the way things are going in yours, make a change, do something about it.  Go after your dreams, your hopes & aspirations.  Set goals that you know you can accomplish.  Sure, it might be a struggle in the beginning, as are most new things.  But it will all be worth it in the end result, if you want it bad enough.  Fight for what you want and for what you believe in.  Put passion into everything that you do, and be sure that it shows when other people take notice.  If it is good, they will see it.  If it is great, they will praise you for it.  And if it is amazing, they will tell others.  You can become as infamous or as popular as you want to become.  You have a voice, use it, be heard.  Your opinion matters, so make it, but choose wisely.  In order to take a leap of faith, you first must take that first step in the right direction. 

Try to be the best person that you can be.  If others are sad, try to make them smile.  If others are crying, try to console them. If others are hurt, nurture them.  If others are lost, help them.  Think positive and positive things will happen.  Think negative and negative things will happen.  So try to always think positively.  Life is whatever you make it out to be, take a chance and make it the best one you've got.  This is your journey, choose the right paths and you will always get to where you are wanting to go.  You can achieve anything, if you just believe and have faith. 

And most importantly, love and you shall be loved!

Love always,
Me

Intro

A little intro into the world of "E-Rockers"...  a 36 year old single male on the edge of my 37th birthday in just a few short weeks.  I've always been a fan of writing my thoughts and ideas down, mom said I always preferred pen & papers over any toy you could ever give me.  But as I grew older, I became a fan of typing... so much that I would rather be put on a medieval torture rack than have to write with a pen or pencil in my hand these days (mainly due to the agony of arthritis from years and years of working in a textile factory).

This will be a new adventure into discovering the true writer/ novelist hidden deep within me.  As I put my thoughts, fantasies, dreams, torments & rants about everyday life into words, from growing up in a big family to living in a small town.  Hopefully, the words will come easy to write as I have always been better at writing out what I think opposed to talking (super-shy).  For years, I have been able to talk to anyone online in those little chat rooms, to even texting along with the best of them.  But when it came to being out in a crowd & having to say more than 2 words...  AGONY!!  I could never think of the right words that I wanted to spit out of my mouth or barely put a declarative sentence together to fit into any conversation before the topic had been changed and the group had moved onto another discussion.  It took me years before I could even sit in public at a restaurant, without the fear of everyone watching me while I sat there with my back to the wall, face downwards at my plate, eating.  Knowing that they were all staring at my every move, paranoid that I had a spaghetti noodle stuck to my chin or ketchup stains on my shirt. There is a word for that kind of behavior... but that is all in the past....  BREAKING OUTTA MY SHELL HERE NOW!!

I hope that these entries will be helpful or inspiring to any and all my readers in some way or another.  Because I have always believed deep in my heart that everything happens for a reason, every person we come in contact with on a daily basis happens for a reason...  You never know who's life you are about to change, just giving them a smile, or by saying 'Hello' to someone, or by throwing your nose up in the air and walking past them as if they never existed.  Because every life is important, every thing you do & every word you say is important, ya never know what it could do to someone else & could change their life forever.  I hope that I can make the slightest difference & someday maybe even be remembered in the history books for something that I might have said or done.  And who knows, it could come from this blog & might even answer my hypothetical question, "How do I get there from here?"