UPDATE 2013

Wow, almost a whole year since my last post on this blog.  Decided to give it another shot.  A lot has truly happened in these last twelve months.  I am a proud uncle of the greatest, most handsomest little boy in the world.  And he is truly the light of my life, love that kid more than the air I breathe. 

The weight loss/ workout program I started a year ago, has had reverse effects on my body (ie, gained back some of the weight I was actually wanting to lose).  Oh well, I am more focused at this point in my life, and more determined than ever, so much that positive changes are already in place. 

I have spent most of my time, devoting a lot of my attention to one person in particular in this past year.  Although, we did become very close & shared a lot of personal things with one another, even discussed meeting and possibly moving in together... it has come to my attention that it was only wishful thinking on my part.  But enough about that nonsense.  Moving on...

I am now focused in on the positive things that already exist in my life, including my wonderful family, my awesome friends & the closest thing that I will ever come to having a kid of my own - my nephew!

Changes are definitely happening for the better right now & I couldn't be happier.  Well, I will say one more thing is still missing... but progress is a slow process.  More about that at a later date.  Keeping it real as always, the journey continues...

Laters,
*E-Rock*

Summertime Reflection

Wow, how time does fly when you're having fun...if that's what you wanna call it.  It has been a wild ride these past few months, I have taken the time to look back over some of my most recent blogs for this year.  And it is truly amazing how far I have come.  I know I haven't posted anything new or exciting or very informative as of recent, as I have been a little bit busy just trying to live life and understand what it truly means to me at this point in my life.  It means a lot of different things to me right now.  I have had to do some serious soul searching, contemplating all the good and the bad things that I have encountered in such a short period of time.  I have had some close calls, battled with demons, overcome obstacles, set new goals... goals that I am still fighting to achieve everyday.  It is not easy being alone in this everyday fight for freedom from the things that I believe are holding back what can be my true potential.

I believe everyone has a purpose in life, to become the person that they were meant to be.  Whether it is to achieve greatness or international fame and stardom... or simply to survive in this mad world that we live in.  To struggle with every obstacle that life may push at you, to swing and miss or to tackle and conquer it.  Overcoming fears and maintaining your sense of being while looking that fear straight in the eye & not backing down, that takes courage, something that you never thought you had in you until you were brought face to face with it.  Just to live to tell about it is a remarkable achievement.  It could be any number of things from finances to heartbreak, physical disabilities to keeping your mental sanity.  Heck any one of those things could make you go crazy, racking your brain with solutions and consequences, trying to just make sense of it all.  No one said life was easy, so just take it one day at a time, moment by moment...and just do your best.  That is all that matters in the end anyways, that you did everything possible that you could do about the situations that happen everyday in your life. 

I was wanting to insert an unfinished draft from a post that I had started writing just five short months ago, to the very day.  But decided it was too dark of a subject, and I am in a much better place now, so I have decided to leave the past in the past.  Those are some very good words of advice for just about anyone, and I don't take credit for them, just doing my job as a human and passing them on to whoever else can use it.  Good luck & may it help you in your journey, wherever it may lead you.

!!!UPDATES!!!

Guess it's past time for some much needed updates, just to let everyone know what is going on in my life. Absolutely NOTHING, lol. (just kidding)

Where to begin?  Well, I found out that I am finally going to be an uncle this fall, supposed to go this Tuesday to find out the sex of the baby {WOOHOO}.  I have been asked over and over, what I might think it is going to be or what I hope it will be... I could care less, as long as it is healthy!!  Just knowing that it is already spoiled rotten, is good enough for me.  Yes, I will babysit on occasion, fuel it up on lots of sugary candy & chocolates, then send it back home to the parents to deal with for the night, I CAN'T WAIT... bwah hah hah haaaaaaa.

Not sure if any of you have noticed or not, but I did change my status on Facebook from "Single" to "In a Relationship".  I know... I was surprised too!!  It is complicated, to the fact that he lives in another state at the moment and we are working on trying to get him moved down here permanently.  Some of you may disagree with this situation, moving him in right away, but he makes me happy and that is all that matters to me.  Get over it.  It's my decision to make, if it doesn't work out, then that is for me to find out, live and learn.  I'm just so tired of living the single life, I have waited my entire life for someone like him & am willing to do anything to make it work out.  Just be happy and supportive is all that I ask of my family & friends, don't stick your noses where it doesn't belong.  Who are you to say or pass judgement on me, when most of the people I know have made the same decisions in their own love lives, good or bad, whose to say what doesn't work for some, won't work for me?!?!!!  Will just have to wait and see what happens.

I am finding that I am making a lot more new friends lately, which seems to be getting me out of the house more and more. Which is a very good thing, considering I have spent most of my adult life only interacting with the people that I meet online.  Seems that I am finally living life and truly enjoying the new experiences I am having.  Having fun & being carefree, living as though I have nothing left to lose... which is a huge improvement from where I was this time last year. Those of you who know my story, will understand where I am coming from.

And last but not least, I have been invited to the most exciting event of the year, my first gay wedding/ commitment ceremony.  Even though it is not legal in the state of North Carolina, they are still calling it a wedding & it was planned long before Amendment 1 ever came into the picture. Either way, it is going to be amazing & beautiful and I can't wait to attend.  Very formal, therefore I have to rent a tux, so look for upcoming pics to be plastered on my Facebook wall, might even post a few on the blog as well.  So proud for the happy couple!!!

That's all for now, that I can think of at the moment. "Too blessed to be stressed"  Anything is possible, when the sky is the limit.

Change is coming, whether you like it or not.

OK, so here goes, it is time to make some serious changes in the way I live my life.  I grew up dreaming of accomplishing one major triumph in my life, finding my one true love.  It has yet to happen, but that doesn't stop me from fighting to achieve that goal.  To have that "pursuit of happiness" everyone else around me keeps talking about.  But what good does it do me, if the state that I live in refuses to recognize it. 

My Facebook wall has been blowing up tonight with all the 'For' & 'Against' comments left by both sides concerning the latest Amendment 1 to the US Constitution on the NC voting ballot today.  I have been having my own personal battle with my thoughts about it all day.  Knowing that whatever the outcome of the results, that it would bring great change into my life and in the way that I continue to live.  Just because this amendment has passed for this state, it does not mean that "WE" will just disappear, it does not mean that there will not be many more ballots just like this one in other states to come, it does not mean that you can just pass this into law and we will sit idly by & just do nothing about it.  NO, we may have lost this little battle tonight, but the war is not over people.  I will continue to fight, along with every other person that this effects.  We will not be silenced and dismissed any longer. 

It angers me so much that we continue to live in a bigoted, greedy, hateful, phobic society.  A state, relentless of change for the better of ALL mankind.  How can I continue to live in a place that says I am not allowed to get married to my best friend, because he is of the same sex?  Maybe I should take it as a hint & just move to a society that accepts me for who I am, one that is not afraid of change & prosperity.  Perhaps, I need to make some very important decisions in the following days & months ahead of where I want to spend the rest of my life here on earth.  Here, living in bitter jealousy of my straight friends who can continue to get married... or in another state or country where I can live in peace & true happiness, where I will not be ashamed of who I am and who I love.  To tell the truth, that is probably what you are really wanting anyways, just a hopeless attempt to make us all pack up and leave town!!!  WE'RE HERE, WE'RE QUEER, GET USED TO IT

Taking a new direction ==>

Hard to believe we are coming up on the 3rd month of 2012 already...WOW, how time does fly!!  But it has been a wild ride thus far, some fun, some not so fun, well worth it none the less.  I am finding myself these days taking a look at my personal life and the people who surround me & found that I needed to make some very serious changes.  My new motto is:  "If you find that you are not happy with life or the way things are going, then make the necessary changes til you are happy!" 

I have had to make some drastic tweaks to my friends list on Facebook, things were getting out of control, and a lot of useless drama was being pursued in and around me that had to be stopped.  As I have no use for it & never have.  I made no warning that this was gonna happen, or as to why it was happening, but it happened regardless.  Needless to say, 75+/- UN-friends later, I am starting to feel a little better about myself.  Ain't it funny, how when you are in a bad mood, other people want to egg you on and encourage your anger to the point of doing something so extreme, that they end up..., well, mama always said, if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all!  ;~}

So, on to my next adventure... getting my lazy butt back into the gym.  I need to get back into a routine, something to keep me occupied & a great way to relieve some stress.  Also, spring is approaching fast, which means I can finally get out and start working in the yard again (my favorite past time).
And I am even more determined to start keeping this blog more up to date on my process as I continue to lose weight & get myself back into a better shape & healthier lifestyle (not to mention healthier frame of mind).  In the days ahead, I will work on setting some personal goals & achievements that I can strive to accomplish.  Thanks again for tuning in and reading.  Any and all suggestions are always welcome, along with positive words of encouragement.     ~BEAR HUGS  ;O)

A LOVE LETTER... (in 2 parts, to noone inparticular)*

*** Please note that this is not written to anyone in particular, just a love letter of sorts & some random thoughts about a special someone, whom I have yet to meet. Also, very fitting with Valentine's Day coming up tomorrow! Enjoy...

PART 1 -
I was just talking to someone the other day and they asked what it would take for me to start writing again. I told them frankly, it would take falling in love, or the smallest ounce of hope and inspiration that love does exist for me out there... somewhere!

I am always searching for love in the wrong places it seems. Always finding it in those who are thousands of miles away, in a far off city or another state, or wherever they might be. Different circumstances each time for each one. There is always some obstacle standing in my way. Blocking me from the happiness I seek, that I yearn and long for. They say that there is someone for everyone. And I believe that, I truly do. Whose to say that you have to fall in love with someone in your own town, your own school, your own state, or even in your own country. Love knows no distance, love knows no boundaries. We don't have a choice in choosing our soulmates. That is pre-destined for us.... some may never find them, spending their whole lives searching for them, no matter the cost or the consequences.

I have spent many endless sleepless nights searching for that same prize. And I sincerely think that I have not experienced it yet, that feeling of fulfillment, overflowing with joy and excitement, beaming from ear to ear at the mere thought of someone else sharing those same feelings that I do. That indescribable sensation, your skin is alive with electrifying jolts of energy bursting from every single pore on your body. The hairs on the back of your neck standing on end, goosebumps running down your spine, your face is glowing, your eyes are sparkling, you feel like you could run a marathon & yet you are floating on a cloud somewhere up in the heavens and your feet may never reach the ground again. You are invincable, nothing can stand in your way, you can accomplish anything just with the confidence of knowing that someone loves you as much as you love them.

Your soulmate, your partner, your best friend, your confidant, your P.I.C.(partner in crime), your better half. It is a very precious bond between two people, a commitment between two souls merging together as one love. It is so sacred, that I cherish the moment when I can enjoy that intense sensation for myself. It should not be taken lightly or taken for granite. It is a precious gift, a privilege and an honor to experience such a love as this.

I want this more than anything in the world. Someone to love me as much as I love them. To show them the respect and courtesy that they deserve on a daily basis. To shower them with love and adoration. To welcome them with open arms. To shower them with love and affection. To take notice everyday and thank God above for the blessings he has given ME.

　PART 2 -
I am writing this letter to let you know my true feelings toward you. I have always had problems showing my emotions to others. I have always been shy and quiet when it comes to interacting with strangers or just people in general. But as I grow older, I am finding it easier to express myself in ways that I have never been able to do before. If you want something bad enough, you have to speak up and be heard. You have to let them know that you exist, that you are here and they will listen to what you have to say.

I constantly think about who you are, what you look like, what you smell like. I find myself daydreaming, drifting off into another dimension somewhere, wondering what you are doing. Curious about how you spend your days & your nights. Who are the people that you come in contact with on a daily basis? Who are your closest friends? What is your family like, do you get along with all of them, some of them or none at all. These are just a few of the things that I think about non-stop.

I wonder if you think about me as much as I spend thinking about you. I like to imagine what it would be like to finally meet you, to see if there is a connection there. There is someone for everyone, but is that someone your soulmate? Do you have a connection, unlike any other with that person that you are with? Do they make you happy? Do they make you feel special, do they treat you with the care and respect that you so richly deserve? Do you feel as if there could be more out there, somewhere, that there could be someone else that is feeling the same way you do right this very moment. They are wanting the same things that you want. They are wanting to love and be loved unconditionally.

I think about what it would be like to come home to your smiling face everyday. To look into those gorgeous eyes of yours on a daily basis. To be feeling your warm embrace, as we are in each others arms, holding on for dear life, as if the moment that we let go, it could be a lifetime before we get to feel that hug again. To taste your sweet luscious lips, to see if they taste as juicy as they look. The thought of feeling your hands running over my skin, sends waves of electricity up and down my spine, knowing that I will surely feel a spark when our fingers come in contact with one anothers. These are the feelings that I want to experience with you on a daily basis.

But there is so much more to experience, so much that there aren't enough words to describe them all. When those two hearts come together to form one perfect union, that it is impossible to realize where one body begins and the other body ends. Hands exploring, searching, roaming over each other's bodies, reaching out and feeling for that one particular spot on your body that makes your eyes roll back in your head, and you start to growl and moan from down deep inside as the hunger that your soul has been yearning for, finally gets fed. And that is only just the beginning, and we havent even made it to the bedroom yet.

I am very passionate about everything that I do and everything that I have within me to fulfill your every wish & deepest desires. I want you.... beside me, near me, next to me, WITH ME. I know that it is an impossible dream, but I dare to dream BIG. Always have, always will. I know that someday it will happen, if it is meant to be, it could be the best thing that has ever happened to either one of us. Each day a new adventure, each new discovery a wonderful experience. To learn as well as teach each other new things & to strive to be better people because of it. I hope that this letter has found you well and holds a special place in your heart, locked away next to the things that you hold dear. And I pray that someday, I will hold the key to that special place as well.


Sincerely yours,

E. Scrooge

This is starting to become a place where I come and feel more down each time I post something new.  The holidays are approaching us once again, seems to come faster and faster with each passing year.  The older I get, the more I HATE the holidays, despise them, loathe them even.  They are only meant for couples.  With each holiday brings more hatred and a sad reminder of how alone I am in this world. 

A little piece of me dies more and more each time that I have to listen to someone else bragging about all the presents they are getting for their loved ones.  Uuugggghh... I can't take it anymore!!  Somebody, anybody, please just shoot me already & put me out of my misery. 

It has been a very rough couple days this past week.  Hell, it has really been a rough year if ya wanna know the truth.  Think it started back on last New Year's Eve, the countdown to midnight had begun & I found myself surrounded by a crowd of happy couples reaching & grabbing their spouses or significant others for that exclusive first kiss of the new year.  There I was sitting in the corner, all alone & asking myself, "What in the world am I doing here?"  It was shear torture, like someone was just twisting the knife in my heart & giving it a hundred little jabs.  Awkward floods of tears welled up in my eyes, filled with emotion & disgust, that I quickly choked back, so as no one would have recognized the pain I was feeling at that moment.  Hoping no one had noticed and would then run over to ask me what was wrong.  Yea, like that was what I needed, for someone to come and point out that the only obvious single guy there was feeling alone and depressed.  As usual, no one ever really notices me, that is my curse & my fate.

Of course, everyone knows the next big holiday to come was the dreaded V-day. That is the worst holiday of them all.  This year, I actually had plans to meet someone,  a first date meeting in fact.  Would have actually been a first date for me EVER on Valentine's Day...ever.  But the guy canceled at last minute, and never heard from him again until 9 months later.  Hahaha, long funny story. Not gonna get into that one on here now though.  Just wasn't "meant to be".

If you have read my other posts you should already know what happened over the next several months between Memorial Day, the 4th of July & the events leading up to current day.  Things just kept going in a downward spiral as the year went on.

Present day, 2 weeks before Christmas, and I haven't even put up my tree yet or had the desire to get in the "SPIRIT of the SEASON".  And it has always been my favorite holiday, but not anymore.  There is no sense in putting up a tree that no one will ever see, and there will definitely be no presents to be put underneath it, and no sense in decorating since no one will be visiting my house this year.  It just doesn't feel like Christmas this year to me, it has come so quickly, here's hoping that it flies by just as quickly!!!!

I wish certain people would stop asking me about my love life, asking me if I'm talking to anyone new or seeing anyone in particular.  I'm not, and probably never will again.  The fight is gone, the search is over.  I don't have the desire to talk to potential dates anymore, cause it just ain't gonna happen.  People say, maybe you're trying to hard, stop looking for love & let it find you.  But even if I did, those feelings won't just go away, it is always there in the back of my mind, wondering if that person is really out there, if it is truly meant to be or will it ever become a reality for me.  If that person is out there looking for me, then they need to try a little harder to find me, they need to work as hard as I have been or harder if they want to be with me.  Because 37 years is too long of a wait & a lost cause, if you ask me, don't you think?

BAH-HUMBUG 
;{p

Freedom is only a click away >>>

I hadn't realized just how much of an affect you had on my heart and my mind, until just a few minutes ago. 

I was checking my facebook friends walls and ran across yours... that was the moment that it hit me.  You were talking some off the wall crap, that needed to be ignored, but it really hit me where it counts the most.  Down deep in my heart.... I guess your little mind-games and wicked words still had control over how I felt towards other guys and just men in general.  I almost lost a great friendship tonight, which all leads back to the way you treated me.  You had me completely brain-washed in believing that you had true genuine feelings for me.  But that wasn't the case, was it.  I was just your escape, a way out of your own pathetic excuse of a life.  I see that now, all too clearly.

You knew all the right words to say, to get me to believe your coniving, back-handed ways of thinking.  I was convinced that you cared for me, that you loved me, you even was the one to say it first.  Actually, you were the only one to say it!!  I never uttered those words... ever... to anyone before.  But I thought that it had to be true, because of the things you were saying sounded very heartfelt & sincere.  I felt sorry for you, and even pity for the stories you had told me about your upbringing and your background of the pain & abusive things you had to endure while growing up.  I won't go into details here, because it is not my story to tell, it was yours!!  Whether it was true or not, still remains to be seen.  It doesn't matter, that just because you had to endure it, you used it to your advantage to get people's sympathy and kind gestures to turn things around in your favor, to get what it was you wanted most... attention!  That is just mean and wrong on so many levels.  Not to mention it changed the way that I feel and look at men now. 

Trust is a big issue for me, always has & always will be.  It is hard enough for a single gay man to try to find a partner in this world today.  Let alone, one that is decent, trustworthy, kind, sincere, caring, monagomous or even interested in you for just being you and not just about sex!!!  I thought you were all of that, Boy was I ever wrong!!!

So, tonight, I did the one thing I should have done after the day I finally got to meet you.  After driving for four hours non-stop. After weeks and months of crying myself to sleep, in a deep depression, wondering what it was I had done to deserve to be treated like that. Thinking I was better off dead or to disappear off the face of the earth, to go where noone else could ever find me again.  Where I didn't have to worry about being hurt like that ever again.  And I wouldn't have to think about guys or love or asking myself those same questions over and over that would never get answered. After all of that, the lightswitch popped on over my head. I had finally found the freedom I was looking for to get over you once and for all.  I have blocked you, deleted you from my contacts, erased any and all messages and/or bad memories that I have of you from my life.

But proudly, I can say now that, I'm a little bit stronger. I have a little bit more confidence now & know what it is I have to do to find the peace and happiness that I so greatly deserve and am trying to achieve in my life.  I have to love and respect my self more now, to make damn sure that people like you and this sort of thing never happens to me or anyone else ever again!!!!!!

If there is a lesson to be learned here, it should be this... that no matter what hurt or pain you have suffered from the hands of someone else - You can move on with your life, and be happy once again. You can learn to leave them in the past and focus on your future.  There will come a day when it will only be a bad memory, like a bad dream, this too shall pass. You can have your freedom back from these bullies, abusers, brain-washers and demons that you have encountered.  Life does go on, so try to take it one day at a time & make each one of them count.  You should live each day as if though it were your last. Cherish each breath you take & each moment that takes your breath away. Love those around you & let them know just how much they mean to you today, right now, right this second, because they might not be around later. 

To each one of you reading this right now, if I havent told you lately, I love and cherish each and every one of you. Til we meet again, take care & may God watch over you and protect you til then.

Giving up...

All the fight is gone, the search is over.  I am giving up all hopes of finding the "One".  He does not exist, he is not out there waiting for me.  It is only a myth, a dream, a fantasy.  It is happiness unfulfilled, a dream that will never become a reality, a made up story that only happens in the movies.  I do not believe it is meant to happen for myself.  If it was, it would've already happened by now. 

I will end up being a sad & miserable old man, grumpy and pathetic.  Someone that noone ever wants to go visit or talk to... oh wait, that is happening now!!! 

I have been out & have flirted til there is nothing left to give anymore.  No desire to even try to impress anyone anymore, not like I was hitting on much before the weight loss anyways.  So, why should I start now?!?!  Seems like the only guys I find interesting live hours away from me or in an entirely different state allgother.  I sure have looked around here and the selections are slim to none.  Unless I decide to move away from here in a year or so, sell my house & move up into the mountains to become a hermit, pretty much like Im doing now, or out towards the beach, which has always been my life long dream to live near water... nothing new or exciting is gonna happen in my life.  I'm not even sure that people are truly reading these blogs, cept for a few comments made by my closest select friends.  No comments.  So this will be my last blog for a while, I am done writing about it and praying about it.  God must be punishing me for something I have done & not quite sure what that is yet.  Depressed & alone... forever!

I keep hearing people say, "oh, your so cute, your so sweet, you should have no problems finding someone".  But I beg to differ, this has been the toughest thing I have ever tried to do in my life.  Men are pigs, they only want one thing.  Don't get me wrong, I want the same thing, but that isn't all I want, and it's not one of the biggest priorities on my list.  I've talked about the need for romance and passion, but that is a lost cause.  No guy out there is wanting that.  They are only interested in a quickie, something to satisfy their needs and then they are gone in a flash.  That is not what I am about. 

I have decided to take a personal vow of celibacy & have followed it closely for the past 5 months.  That's right, I said it... NO SEX until I can find the right person to break the curse.  Maybe it will be possible to become a virgin again.  WOOHOO, something I thought I would never hear myself saying, I want to be a virgin again.  I want the next time that I decide to lay down with someone, that it will feel like the first time all over again. 

Feeling depressed and alone, something I am gonna have to just get used to, have been for some time now.  A co-worker asked me the other day if everything was ok, that I looked so sad & was quieter than usual.  She told me that I usually hide it so well.  But Im tired of trying to hide it, it is only making things worse. 

I am not asking for pity, for anyone to feel sorry for me.  It is what it is.  I am just sitting here blabbing about it, to get it off my chest.  If you wanna listen to me, fine, if you don't, fine. I don't really have the strength to even care anymore.  I am exhausted & worn out from trying to give a shit about anything, what's the use.  Farewell, if I get a feeling to write again, so be it.   :(

WANTED: Single Friends

In search of single friends here, ones to go hang out with & have a good time with.  With no worries about feeling like a 3rd-wheel in the sea of couples.  Need to feel like I belong to something, not like an outsider looking in at all the happy people who have someone in their lives and are actually in love, but to be around other single friends who knows what it's like to feel alone & lonely.  Not looking for a sad pity group, but a cool bunch of people who enjoy going out or coming over to hang out at a friends house to just enjoy some quality time together & talk about things, just to have some fun & excitement.

I have heard of people talking about having travel companions, people who take trips together with no strings attached, only to maybe share the gas & food expenses.  But to go somewhere other than your hometown, even if only to just take a drive up through the Blue Ridge Parkway to see all the fall colors changing on the trees or up to Amish country to buy some apple butter or out to the Outer Banks of North Carolina, just to see the lighthouses & feel the cool ocean breeze.  I want that spontaneity of just getting in the vehicle and driving til we can't drive no more.  And discover whatever it is around us where we have arrived at.  To walk into all the little shops and country stores to see the different wares and cultural knick-knacks that are sold there that you can't find in your local Wal-Mart or other big-chain grocery store.  Just the experience alone, would be amazing and rewarding. 

Who is with me?  Who wants to go on this journey with me?  No plans, no worries, no commitments, no pressure, no strings attached.  Just an adventure, a trip to anywhere, locally or a few hours drive to somewhere other than here.  I know times are hard, and money is tight for most people (if not all people).  It doesn't have to be a big planned out expensive thing, where you have to stay in a big fancy hotel or eat at the finest restaurants.  We can pack lunches, sleep in the vehicle, or it could be just a day-trip sort of thing, where we drive there and back in the same day, or it could be a 2-day weekend trip, driving up on a Friday evening or Saturday morning then come back on Sunday afternoon late.  Doesn't matter to me, just to get away from it all & have a fun time out on the open road.  Discovering small town charms & southern hospitality at it's finest.  Searching for the destinations and memories that will make for an awesome trip of a lifetime.  It's the simple little things that can make you happy, just to get out and discover them for yourself, to live life to the fullest and take advantage of every precious moment. 

If you are tired of spending another dull day stuck in your sleepy little town, or don't wanna spend another weekend all alone in your house.  Ready to get out and explore life for yourself, instead of hearing about all your coupled friends trips and adventures, then it is time to take charge of the situation and go out and grab life by the horns and just do it.  Would love to hear some feedback from truly interested people only.  Click on the comment button below and please leave your suggestions and remarks, only if you are ready to go on this journey with me.  I only have two questions, "When do we leave?" & "How do we get there from here?".

Give & Take

You can give and give and give, til you got nothing left to give anymore.  And what do you get in return, NOTHING! 

Today started out as a good day, woke up after less than 5 hours of sleep, and didn't even feel that tired all day long.  I came home to chat with some friends online, only to find that they didn't have such a good day.  It was like an epidemic, everyone I had talked to was telling me how bad their day or week was for them.  Like there was a full moon out & all the crazies were roaming the streets.  I did the best thing any friend 'should' do, I told them that everything was gonna get better, that there are other people out there who have it much worse off than they or I do.  Trying to be the best friend I can be & put a smile on their face & their minds off their worries.  Wouldn't you?  (I sure hope so)

Then as the night progressed, I found the tables turning on me.  Getting worse and worse as the night lingered on.  I try to give as much respect and understanding as I hope to receive in return.  Do unto others, as you would have them do unto you.  The Golden Rule.  What a joke, guess some people just didn't get that rule taught to them as a young child. 

I pour my heart out to people, wearing my heart out on my sleeve.  Ive always had a problem trying to show my feelings to people, then when I get the guts to show them how I feel about them, I get slapped in the face with ultimate rejection.  Why do people think that you are always working some angle with them.  They think you are only being nice to them to get something out of them.  I have always said, once a friend... always a friend.  No matter what, there may be disagreements & even some arguments between us, but doesn't mean I will turn my back on you when you really need me.  That's what friends are for.  We all have our good days & bad days, but when all is said & done, I'm there dude!!  And it works both ways, hope that my 'true' friends would do the same for me, if not, then you weren't really a true friend...

Inspiration comes in many forms

Just the fact that this weekend was planned with many events, I truly haven't done a thing, but veg out in front of the TV, other than the occasional walk with my new pup.  I have had plenty of time to sort through my thoughts and feelings.  Made me realize just how much I am missing out on right now.  Don't get me wrong, I needed the rest & the peace and quiet of just me, myself and I (OK, plus the puppy of course).  But I came to the conclusion that I was only tormenting myself over waiting to hear from someone who doesn't have the same intentions that I have.  And then, it hit me, it was right in front of me the entire time, just took me a while to see it. 

After many several failed attempts over the past 3 days of coming up with new posts for this blog, which I later deleted due to the fact that they weren't meant to be read by anyone else at the moment.  But I did at least get my feelings off of my chest, even if I was the only one to read them, lol.  It helped me to understand how I was truly feeling on the inside.  I was mentally blocked from posting anything for the past 3 weeks, just didn't have it in me.  I needed a sign, a revelation, some sort of inspiration to give me that final push to sit back down here and let the words flow thru my fingertips. 

I had talked to a good friend just last night, a former classmate that I had reconnected with on Facebook, discussing her recent good fortune.  I was so overjoyed, that it simply brought me to tears that someone else's prayers had finally been answered.  It had given me a sense of hope, that God is truly listening.  That even though we struggle and often complain about why things don't seem to go our way, that God isn't listening to us or perhaps punishing us for some strange reason, that only HE knows about.  God does have a sense of humor, ya know.  I had just finished repeating my own words to this very dear friend, "everything happens in God's time, and that everything happens for a reason". And it does.  Although, we ultimately make the choices and decisions, HE has the journey already mapped out for us, HE has the entire story already written out on paper.  We just have to keep the faith and follow his lead.  It is so obvious some times, that we are oblivious to it.  As plain as the nose on our face, it is sitting right there in front of us, all we have to do is reach out and grab it.  'Take that leap and soar towards the sky', I told her.  She has been like my guardian angel, whenever I needed her most, she has always showed up just out of the blue.  Maybe it is God speaking thru her, giving her the words of wisdom that I needed to hear at that very moment.  Inspiring me to follow my heart, to listen to my soul & trust in it's guidance. 

Inspiration comes in many forms, and I am lucky enough to have seen it not once, not twice, but three times this weekend.  I was so consumed by the suggestions by my friends who keep telling me what I should and shouldn't do, and I appreciate their help so much, but ultimately it is my decision to make, not theirs.  I was waiting for a sign, some hint of acknowledgement that someone was out there, interested in me as much as I was interested in them.  I believe I have gotten that sign I was looking for.  Will it turn into something more, only time will tell.  But it's a start, and inspires me to keep believing & to keep hoping that my prayers are being heard and will someday be answered.  That God is listening and working on my future.  I've gotta be patient and just let it happen, to let fate takes it course. 

To all my friends, family and fellow readers out there, thank you so much for your continued support and understanding.  You will never know how much it truly means to me that someone is out there listening & believing right along with me.  {{{BIG *BEARHUGS* TO YOU ALL}}}

To whom it may concern:

I am picky, about everything that I do & choose to have in my life. I have standards, which started out low early in life & gradually grew as I did as I became a man. I may not have all the answers, I do not claim to be intelligent or that I will always make the right decisions throughout my life, but I have learned to weigh my options & try to make the best out of every situation that I may get myself into. I am a hard worker, but I like taking naps & enjoy my 'lazy' Sundays. I believe in Heaven & Hell, that there is a God & a Devil. I do not go to church, but I am spiritual & have my faith to keep me strong. I do not talk much, but I want to be heard when I do choose the moment to speak. I am strong-headed in my decision making, but am always second-guessing and over-analyzing every little detail afterwards. I tend to stay away from large crowds, but don't like going out alone. I love rainy days the most, but enjoy the warmth of the sun on my face. I am a dare-devil thrill seeker & an adrenaline junkie, but only when the timing is right. I like being spontaneous enough to drop everything, jump in the car & drive away somewhere for the weekend, only if I have enough money & gas to get me there. I don't like to fight, but I hate to be wrong. I enjoy the simple things in life & always notice the smallest details, but I can not look pass the big picture.

These are just some of my greater & more complicated qualities that I possess. I am looking for the person who can balance out the other half of me, someone who compliments my weakest features & doesn't complicate my strongest assets. One who will smother me with love and attention, but knows his boundaries & realizes when we need our own personal space & time to ourselves. I need respect, honesty, trust, loyalty & love which will be given as greatly if not more in return.

I am looking for someone to inspire me to be a better person. To encourage each other in new experiences. Someone who wants to travel and see new places and have new adventures together. To get me to try eating new food dishes that I have never tried before, as I find my tastes are changing. Someone to workout with and motivate me to be a healthier human being in mind, body & soul. The person who says I Love You just for no apparent reason needed, at any given moment of the day. One to say goodnight to & wake up beside each and every morning. Someone who enjoys giving back massages & foot rubs whenever asked, as well as receiving them. To have romantic nights with candle-lit dinners, for no special occasion except to be having them with that person. I'd like to have someone to cook for or with, but who still enjoys going out to eat. To stay in and watch TV on the couch, cuddled up together, or go out at times to catch a movie or a play. Someone to take long strolls along the beach at night time, walking hand in hand. Sitting together gazing up at the moon & the stars or watching fireworks together, wrapped up in each others warm embrace. Someone to kiss at midnight on New Years Eve. Someone I am proud to be with around my friends & of course my family. One with a wild & adventurous side, but knows when to be calm & show his manners in public. Who has the charm & respect of a southern gentleman, the chivalry of a knight in shining armor, the passion in everything he does & the romance to be shown to only one special person. To give a compliment as well as he receives them.

These are some of the spectacular qualities I'd like to find in a soul mate. I know it is a long wish-list and may not get everything I want, but a guy can dream can't he. Heck, two out of three ain't bad. I know he is out there somewhere, waiting for me just as I have been waiting for him. We deserve to be happy & shouldn't settle for anything less than amazing. As one, no body's perfect, but together we could be pretty dang close.

To my readers & blog-followers out there, if you happen upon this person, please be sure to send him my way & tell him I've been waiting for him.

I have been asked allot here lately, why am I still single. I don't know the answer to that question, other than the fact that I waited so late in life to really start looking for him. I have dreamed and prayed about him for most of my life, timing is everything though, and everything happens for a reason. Am I meant to be single for the rest of my life? I don't think so, I believe there is someone for everyone. And my someone could be the next person I pass on the street tomorrow, who knows. I just haven't met him yet!!!!

Nightmares on Main Street

Was it really all just a dream, a fantasy of mine that I thought had come true which quickly turned into a nightmare, the torture & shocking cruelness of reality setting in that I just might be single for the rest of my life.  What I thought was the perfect guy, turned out to be... just a figment of my vivid imagination, yet again.  He does not exist.

Let's count shall we... 4 guys in 4 months time, that has got to be some kind of a sick demented record, at least in my book it is.  It all started around the first of May, when I met the first guy of this story (all names & identities will not be disclosed for privacy reasons).  Only due to the fact that I met him only twice and since I have no memory of what happened at the end of our second meeting, I will not go into that story on here nor will I ever speak of it again (so don't ask)!  So, I turned to my online friends who I have met thru a mutual website... where the 2nd guy I met comes into play.  He was a real piece of work, this one, it was a total roller-coaster ride with him.  He had me totally brain-washed, had me believing all kinds of bullshit that he handed me.  We skyped almost everyday for exactly 2 months, we had so much in common, or at least I thought so & was led to believe it was so.  He was the first one to say "I Love You" to me, although I took much longer.  He had understood what had happened with the first guy mentioned earlier, and could relate completely to everything that I had told him.  He had comforted me, consoled & confided in me with his own sob stories, which were relatively close to my own.  He even brought up the subject of marriage, saying he would buy me a ring, take me to New York & get married, then move down here from Virginia to live with me & would even pay off my mortgage completely for me.  Sounded good to me... at the time, I mean I couldn't have done better if I had tried.  Then we finally decided to meet on the 4th of July, it was a 4 hour drive to Richmond, Va where he lived with his "ex" (should've tipped me off right away, but I looked past that towards the bigger picture).  The entire drive up, he kept texting me about how excited he was to see me & that he couldn't wait to spend the rest of our lives together.  As soon as I pulled in the driveway and got out of my car to go and meet the man of my dreams, he became very distant & was acting as if he didn't even want to be near me, let alone be touched by me.  He was so stand-offish, that I was only there for a total of 2 hours, before I asked him what was wrong, to which he replied... "I just don't feel the vibe, like I did when we were video-chatting online."!!!   I quickly bolted out of there, with a very quick statement of 'nice to meet ya, I'm outta here' and started the 4 hour drive back home to be with my family and dear friends, just in time to catch the fireworks display that night.  He was into playing games, I am not into those kind of games, he had me like a puppet on a string, pulling every trick in the book, thinking I was gonna be a way out from his own depressing life.  Uugghhh!!!

So, once again, I turned to my online friends for comfort & support.  This is where guy #3 comes into the story, we had been talking off and on for months before the first two guys ever came into play.  So guy #3, knew the whole story, about everything I had just been through & was saying all the right words to make me feel better.  At this point, I haven't had any thoughts about sex, hook-ups, one-night stands, absolutely nothing to do with another man that even brought up the thoughts of sex.  He totally agreed & was in mutual agreement that it would be just 2 friends hanging out, taking things as slow as possible, and not to act on any feelings until I was ready.  I wasn't completely attracted to him at first, but he was very gentle & we did alot of simple cuddling and just hanging out, getting to know one another better.  Then a few days later, I became very sick, was even out of work for almost an entire week.  That was when I found out from a mutual friend who lived a block away from this guy, that they had had sex with one another, while I was at home sick as a dog in the bed.  I was furious, at both men, how could they betray me like that, considering both of these men knew everything that I had been through over the past couple months.  Every detail of every piece of torture I had experienced, I had confided with these two particular people, and they both stabbed me in the back!!!

I was done, decided it was time to take a seriously long break from all men at that time.  I fell into a deep depression, couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, didn't want to talk to anyone, didn't even want to get out of bed or from out of in front of the television.  Men were like a poison to me, but I missed talking to my friends so much, that one month to the day later, after getting my heart broken for the 3rd time in a row... I decided it was time to at least try finding some true friends to start hanging out with, just some people that I could trust to help me get out of the house & to help me start living my life again.  It was only on the second day, after I had created a new profile, and had described to the letter my every intent of only looking for friends, NO HOOKUPS!! NO SEX!!!, only serious people wanting to chat, that's when I met guy #4.  He was perfect, or so I thought, yet once again I was mistaken.  It was the weekend before he was to have started his last year of nursing school, that we decided to go and meet, just to talk & hangout.  I thought, how perfect could this be, he was a full-time student, working full-time on the weekends, knowing he wouldn't have that much time for me anyways.  But we continued to text like crazy, having so many things in common, saying how much he was into me as much as I was into him.  Saying things like, "why haven't you texted me more today" or that "I'm into you more than you are into me".  Boy, was I in for a rude awakening?!?!?!   After a late night texting session on Friday night, even after the conversations we had over dinner at my place on Wednesday night.... I knew it wouldn't be much longer, something bad was gonna happen.  I've gotten these same bad feelings with each and every one of the guys I have met.  He had told me he was gonna get his cell number changed, due to an "ex" that had just recently started bothering him again.  I had told him, jokingly, that he would end up not giving me his new number.  Sure enough, I haven't heard from him since Friday night & the text messages I've sent to his old number are saying "Sent" but "Not Delivered". 

Turns out, I am not even that tore up over this last guy.  A friend even told me that it is a good possibility, that he was already in a relationship, considering he never gave me his address, so I couldn't come to visit him. He would only text or call back when it was convenient for him & that he could only come to my place to see me. 

C'est la vie = that's life... live and learn, then move on.  Life is too short & too precious to have regrets, live for the moment & make each moment count.  Because you only get one chance to get it right the first time.  According to the gay community, I have only just begun.  But frankly speaking, I am fed up & don't wanna try anymore, if I am gonna keep going at this rate!  I still keep the faith that HE is out there SOMEWHERE, and that the true love I am searching for does exist, so I continue on my journey to find it.  But once again, I ask...

How do I get There from Here?

Only time will tell...

I have always been the laid-back, reserved, calm one in my family.  But no one will ever know how much I am screaming to the top of my lungs on the inside.  Someone told me yesterday that I need therapy, not that that's a bad thing, they said... but that I have some unresolved issues pent up deep inside of me.  They also said that I tend to over-analyze things & think way too much about the situations at hand on a daily basis.  If you know me at all, you know that this is very true. 

I am a worrier, I worry about everyone & everything around me.  Always wondering in the back of my mind if I have said or done too much or simply not enough.  I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve, allowing most people to get the better of me, when I least expect it.  I become very vulnerable in tense situations, letting others over-power me.  Perhaps I am a bit naive or just gullible when it comes to certain things, but I am finding that the older I get, the more of a Don't Give a Crap attitude that I am developing, helps to put things in a better perspective.  It is just in my nature to care for everyone around me.  I don't like confrontations and I don't like to fight.  Usually I shut down in those situations, close up & keep quiet.  I will keep it bottled up inside me til I can't take no more and end up exploding - taking it out on some undeserving person or thing.  I think I get that from my father & his red-headed temper!! 

As the years go slowly by, I have really started coming out of my shell more.  I use to be very very shy, almost to the point that I would hardly ever look anyone in the eye and didn't want to even go out in public restaurants, unless I could sit in the back of the room, with my back up against the wall.  I'm not quite sure why I did this, but I do know that that person doesn't exist anymore!  I didn't even like to be touched back in those days.... even though I yearned for it so.  To be hugged, touched, caressed, comforted... it just didn't happen.  I would cringe at the thoughts of it & usually pull away at first sight of someone trying to reach out towards me.  One of my oldest & dearest friends now, use to work together at a small department store, and she had the habit of coming up behind me while I was working & run her cold hands up the back of my shirt, scratching her nails down my back.  I would usually break out in hysterical laughter at this, since I am very ticklish.  But that somehow got me use to people touching me in a way.  I guess I finally got use to the idea that some people are very touchy-feely.  I too now, am one of those people.  I love to be hugged, to show someone else that you care, that you have feelings, that you need to be touched.... if only to recognize that you do exist in the world and are only human.  It is a very warm & comforting thing.  Although, not everyone is into that sort of thing = showing their emotions!!!  I hid mine very well for many years, til I just couldn't hide them no more.  I'm just a big ol' teddy bear  ;~}

I may have some unresolved issues that I have kept hidden for a long time, perhaps I do need therapy?!?!  There are some things that I wonder if I have blocked from my memory, in order to protect myself & others.  If it is meant to be discovered, God will show me the way, as he has done through out my entire life.  He will bring you to it & he will bring you through it.

Until next time, my fellow readers, keep your head lifted, your mind sharp & your heart strong. 

Worth waiting for...

Sitting here thinking about you, knowing you are juggling so much with school, work & life in general.  Absence makes the heart grow fonder, funny I never knew how much that was true til I met you.  I spend most of my nights watching YouTube videos of love songs:  http://youtu.be/Xs9X8NhQJF4  &  http://youtu.be/sIjkVn_ro0g , just to name a few of the good ones.  Looking at your picture every free second I can, gazing at that gorgeous mug of yours & staring into the deepest green eyes I have ever seen before.  You say that you are focused on school & work right now, to get them out of the way, as this is your last year of taking classes.  I am biting my nails in anticipation, waiting for a text or a call, whenever you can find the time to communicate with me in your busy schedule.  I get a feeling of pride & become overjoyed when you do finally have a spare moment of the day to text me back, the biggest grin comes across my face each and every time & my eyes just light up.

*Sigh* I just received a text from you asking why I hadn't texted you more today... just made my heart melt, knowing that you wanted to hear from me, although I didn't want to interrupt your first day back to class.  It will be a true test of our faith & patience, to make it through these next few days & weeks, to figure out some sort of routine between us.  Knowing that it will all be well worth the wait in the end.  The matter of getting to spend time with you, will be it's own reward.

Words cannot describe the pride and amount of respect I have for you and everything that you stand for and are working so hard to achieve in your life right now.  If I can play a small part in this accomplishment, as one of your biggest supporters, would be a great honor.  I know that you have put in many hours of work and 'sweat' to have come so far.  You deserve the best out of what life has to offer you, your future looks so bright, I need my sunglasses to even look at you. 

I have waited my whole life for someone like you to come along.  Dreamed of you many times before now, just couldn't see the face clearly until the other night.  It was well worth waiting for.

The time of my life...

Just as I was starting to give up all hope, thinking I may never find that special person.  I have always been told, that when you least expect it, love will find it's way into your heart. 

You go through life, hoping and anticipating the arrival of that day to come.  It's a learning process, as you go along life's journey, figuring out what it is you want out of life & love.  What it is that makes you the most happiest, what your ideal mate will be like.  Who that person is, how they act, how they look, how they treat you & how they respect and treat other people.  It is this person, that you can see spending the rest of your life with.  They make you very happy, so much in fact, that they are the only person that you can even think of, from the moment that you first wake up to the last thought before you drift off to dream.  You find yourself daydreaming about the future, what it would be like to have them in your life, in your bed, by your side, in your heart & in your soul.  You get a funny feeling in the pit of your stomach, every time you think about them, wondering if they are thinking about you too, if they are having these same feelings. 

In this day and time of modern technology, texting is the greatest invention in the world.  It allows you to send little messages back and forth to one another.  Getting the biggest smile on my face, everytime I receive one from them.  We have only just met a few short days ago, and in this short amount of time, I have learned so much about this person.  So many things in common, the same likes & dislikes about the ideas of a good relationship.  Relating to one another's life-styles & the way that they were raised with good old-fashioned values.  The fact that they are into you as much as you are into them.  It is a great feeling.

Although, it was just a breif weekend rendezvous, I learned so much in such a short amount of time about this person.  Learning & studying the features of their face, their mannerisms, the way that they smile, the way that they laugh, their amazing eyes staring back into yours & studying your every move as well, the way that they carry themselves.  It is mesmerizing, to see them sitting so close to you, involved in every moment spent alone together.  Making every precious second count.  Testing the waters, the anticipation of that first contact, touching their skin, feeling a spark.  As he grabs your hand, interlocking each others fingers, and your first reaction is what an amazing fit it is with yours.  After the awkward nervousness has subsided, and you feel completely comfortable in their presence. You find yourself talking as if you had known each other your whole lives.  Sharing your most intimate deepest desires and fantasies.  All the while, you are driving around in their vehicle, in a somewhat strange city, a mid-way meeting place between the two of your respective homes.  Getting lost in the moment, driving for hours, taking turns down back country roads, unsure of where you are headed, he just drives along - mentioning I don't know exactly where we are headed, but wouldnt mind getting lost with you, talking non-stop about the similarities you share.  Making a connection, getting familiar with this person, not a care in the world.  Then he decides it is best to start heading back to the meeting spot where my car is.  We sit for another couple hours, just taking in these last few moments of our first date.  Knowing that the end of the night is growing ever so close now, wondering, hoping it will end with a goodnight kiss.  You are sitting just inches apart from one another in a confined space, gazing into one anothers eyes, feeling your heart racing, palms sweating, mouth-watering, moments of vulnerability, you both lean in at the same time & your lips lock.  Tasting that sweet success of a great ending to what you hope will be just the first of many more nights to come.  It wasn't just one single kiss, it was a full on makeout session.  The mutual enjoyment of each other's company leads to the agreement & anticipation of meeting again the very next night for a second date.  It was amazing, fireworks & orchestras, everything you had hope for and more. 

This is only the beginning, and the future looks damn good. To be continued...

Power outtage = Peace & Quiet

Had a good storm pass thru here last night, knocked the power out for 5 hours.  Today comes the process of cleaning up all the debris & downed tree limbs that the wind whipped around.

I have always been a fan of the rain.  It is a soothing moment, to just sit and watch everything getting drenched or lightly sprinkled with rain drops from the heavens above us.  For the most part, it always reminds me of my childhood, being curled up on the couch all wrapped up in a blanket or sheet, just gazing out & getting lost in between the drops as they hit against the glass of the window.  And if it was a bad enough storm to knock out the power, those were the best times.... no TV, no telephone, no noise cept for the rain pounding on the roof & the claps of thunder rolling through the dark sky, along with the flashes of lightening.  Those were the things that made me realize most of all, that there is a power greater than myself that controls the world around us.  But it was a time to rest & relax, to enjoy the peace & quiet, without any interruptions.  Just the amazing display of mother nature at her finest... and what a show it was!

I have vivid memories of almost every rain storm that has occurred in my life, always trying to find different moments that I would store away in my brain for future reference.  I can remember several that come to mind right now, from riding home from church one night... watching the sky fill up with numerous strikes of lightning filling the dark night sky as we were headed toward the storm cell in the distance.  It was an awesome view of natures very own fireworks lighting up the darkness around us, with each bolt bringing the images from out of the pitch black shadows, it was almost like the sun had popped back in for half of a second so that you could see all that was around you.  I loved it.  And the rolling claps of thunder, you could hear it coming from out of the distance at times, like it was miles away.  Other times, it was like God himself had clapped his own hands, as if to "wake the dead".  We have all been told different stories while growing up about thunder, such as God was bowling, or God was moving furniture up in Heaven.  Or my favorite story was when it was raining while the sun was shining was always said to be that the Devil was beating his wife, and those were her tears.

Some of my most favorite moments from growing up, was spent out in the rain.  The best times I can remember, was while I was working the night shift & we all would meet up town after work in the shopping center parking lot.  We would just hang out & chit chat about different things, such as what had happened that night at work that might have pissed us off, or deciding whether or not to go to the Waffle House to grab a bite to eat, or just hanging out and enjoying the cool night air & talking about each other's vehicles.  We would sometimes all jump in one or two of the 'good ol' boys BIG pick-up trucks & go riding out thru the country or to some late night party held out in the old cornfields.  One particular night, there was a big storm passing thru, so we all parked under the car wash bays up town, but there was so many of us hanging out, that we would go running between the bays & got drownded by the overflow of water pouring down off the rooftop gutters.  We would start splashing & jumping in the puddles, dancing around like we didn't have a care in the world.  The rain would be light at times & heavier at other times, so much that it felt like tiny bee stings all over your body when the rain was falling so hard.  Then after the rain had passed, we would all pile into someones Jeep or in the back of someones truck bed & then go riding thru the huge puddles that the rain left in the Yadkin Plaza Shopping Center.  The puddles soon became large waves, as those over-sized tires split them in half, driving straight thru them at top speeds (back when the parking lot wasn't patrolled by the cops like it is today, lol).  We would then race down the highways, usually to some open mud pit to go 'mudding' & we would end up being covered from head to toe in that red Carolina clay.  Yes sir, those were the good ol' days!

Nowadays, as I find myself getting older, the rain still brings me comfort as it did when I was a child.  But now is the time, I long for someone to be cuddled up next to on the couch, to snuggle under that blanket with another warm body lying next to me.  Sharing memories of the rain storms from our past.  Hoping that person shares my joy & love of the rain so much.  There are days that I pray for rain, to wash away all my sorrows & troubles, and remember the good times of my life.  I still enjoy standing out in the rain from time to time, and once in a great while, whether someone is looking or not, you might see me dancing around in it, making another memory.

Unanswered questions

It all starts when you see that person across a crowded room, and your eyes meet.  Almost doing a double-take, to make sure that they are looking back at you.  Then the slightest hint of a smile spreads across both of your faces.  It lasts for more than a few seconds, but feels like everything around you has stopped in time.  And then you ask yourself... are they flirting with you, or just being polite?   Is it just a part of their nature, just because they are a nice person and always wearing a smile for everyone that they see?  Or is it something more than that?  Could they really be flirting with you, are you flirting back at them?   Do they find you at all attractive, did they see something that they liked about you?  Is it your clothes, maybe the hat you wore that day that everyone tells you that you look great in, or is it just the way that you are standing there... being yourself?

You stand there, losing all sense of your surroundings.  Focusing in on that one person, how they look, how they carry themselves, every movement they make, trying to take it all in for as long as you possibly can.  You attempt to get closer to them, to reach out or maybe say something, hoping to hear them speak or to acknowledge that you exist if even in the smallest way.  Then it happens, they open their mouth to speak and the words float through your head like a drug, making you intoxicated on their very existence.  You stumble over your own words, becoming clumsy & giddy like a young school girl.  Trying to keep some sense of dignity, you try to keep your composure, hoping that you don't make a complete fool of yourself.  Did they notice that you were staring at them the whole time, almost to the point of drooling, although attempting to look as cool and confident as you can be in front of someone so incredibly good-looking?  You feel the butterflies in the pit of your stomach, fluttering around & making you feel something that you haven't felt before.  And yet you wonder, could there be a mutual attraction there, are they feeling the same thing that you are feeling right now?  Could this be the start of something more?  

You may never know the true answers to those questions, as reality starts sinking in.  Suddenly noticing that there is a group of people standing all around you.  That you are not alone, standing in the middle of a busy, crowded restaurant.  The blood starts to rush back to your head, you almost get dizzy with thoughts of bolting out of there as fast as you can, hoping that no one noticed the whole encounter.  You run back to your lonely world, wondering in the back of your mind, if by some weird twist of fate... that it really happened.  That you weren't just day-dreaming again of 'the ONE'.

Yes, this really happened to me, very recently in fact.  Who knows, if the story will be continued or not.  I guess you will just have to tune in at a later time to see for yourselves.  Til then, take care & hold onto your dreams, you never know when or where they might come true!

Had an awesome weekend!!

This past weekend couldn't have been any better, even if I had tried.  Had the Dalton Relatives & Family Reunion on Saturday... and was surprised to find out that one of my relatives is seriously tracing our heritage all the way back to the Original Dalton Gang.(Best of luck to ya Lisa)  It will be a while before all the materials come together for viewing, but will be fascinating to read I am sure!  I love history, even though I failed US History my Sophomore year of high school (had to retake it in Summer School & passed, so...YAY ME), but mostly I love looking at old pictures and hearing the stories behind them all.  Thankfully, one of my distant cousins on my mom's side of the family had created several discs of old photos completely set up with awesome background music.  {KUDOS to Lindsey} 

They brought back some great memories & some sad feelings for all of the loved ones that we have lost over the years.  We are a close-knit supportive family, a large & very LOUD family, although we don't get to see each other but once a year, if that often, we know how to have fun every time that we gather.  I was also pleased to see the 'other' set of twins in the family were able to show up this year, I hadn't seen them since they were like 6 years old & now they are in their 20's.

This year we made the decision that this would be the last year that we would be having a home-cooked dinner together, that next year instead, the suggestion had been made to just do hamburgers & hot dogs for everyone, so that no one had to worry about hauling all those dishes from so far away.  Everyone agreed that was a good idea, as well as to keep it here in the Yadkinville area, instead of moving it back to the Asheboro or Randleman areas!  They all said that they only came for one reason anyways....  that was for our side of the families DESSERTS (i.e.- the cakes)!!!  I told y'all they were the best in the world, nobody can beat our cakes, each one made with love... at least mine always are, he he!

As with any family get-together, there are always a few who are unable to attend due to conflicting schedules with work or whatever else is going on in their busy lives.  But at least we enjoyed our times together, missed the ones who didn't show up & will hopefully see them all again next year. 

I just loved hearing my mother, while standing in the buffet line, ask the young guy in front of her, "Who's husband are you or who's son are you??"  Only to find out that he was a friend of one of her cousin's kids.  Mom had seemed to have taken on the tradition of ring-leader of the group now, being the oldest daughter and all, she practically raised all her siblings as if they were her own children anyways.  Becoming the mother hen, if you will, to rally the troops for 'We're gonna say the Blessing before we eat now' prayer was made.  While I was in the kitchen, doing some last-minute food prep for the late arrival of my aunt (who always has to make her 'entrance'), I still knew when I heard the silence coming from the great hall... that it was my time to bow my head & listen along in silence for that ever-so-famous line to be said at the end.... after 'AMEN', ..."Let's EAT!!!".  Of course, my sister-in-law & myself were at the end of that long line to get to the food.  But it was all well worth the wait to get our turn at those tasty viddles.  And as always, we saw the other side of the family make a straight bee-line towards the desserts table to get first dibs at our famous cakes, before they even sat down to start eating the actual cooked food.  Ya gotta love family and their crazy quirks, wouldn't trade 'em for nothing in the world.

After the stuffing of the faces, there was that ever-so familiar congregating at each table with other relatives to remember all the past reunions & to speak of lost loved ones.  To just sit back and relax after over filling our tummies to the points of bursting at the seams, literally.  Then came the clean-up and the saying good-byes & fond farewells to everyone, as each person had to make the long journey back to their own homes.  It was a good day & I believe fun times were had by all.

Sunday afternoon brought my family together for a family portrait, the first one in over 10 or 11 years.  They will be ready for pick-up on this Friday (my birthday).  Can't wait to see how they turned out... my parents told the photographer that me, my brother and his wife, were all their children.  In which my sister-in-law pointed out later, that that would make her married to her own brother then.  We all got a good chuckle out of that one, while we enjoyed our traditional Sunday dinner together at the local steak house/ buffet restaurant.  Then I went back to my brother's house to watch two movies that they had rented for the night.  Now I am sitting here, just a few minutes shy of midnight, finishing up this post... happy & proud to have had such an exciting weekend surrounded by the people that mean more to me than anything else.... MY FAMILY.