I was checking my facebook friends walls and ran across yours... that was the moment that it hit me. You were talking some off the wall crap, that needed to be ignored, but it really hit me where it counts the most. Down deep in my heart.... I guess your little mind-games and wicked words still had control over how I felt towards other guys and just men in general. I almost lost a great friendship tonight, which all leads back to the way you treated me. You had me completely brain-washed in believing that you had true genuine feelings for me. But that wasn't the case, was it. I was just your escape, a way out of your own pathetic excuse of a life. I see that now, all too clearly.
You knew all the right words to say, to get me to believe your coniving, back-handed ways of thinking. I was convinced that you cared for me, that you loved me, you even was the one to say it first. Actually, you were the only one to say it!! I never uttered those words... ever... to anyone before. But I thought that it had to be true, because of the things you were saying sounded very heartfelt & sincere. I felt sorry for you, and even pity for the stories you had told me about your upbringing and your background of the pain & abusive things you had to endure while growing up. I won't go into details here, because it is not my story to tell, it was yours!! Whether it was true or not, still remains to be seen. It doesn't matter, that just because you had to endure it, you used it to your advantage to get people's sympathy and kind gestures to turn things around in your favor, to get what it was you wanted most... attention! That is just mean and wrong on so many levels. Not to mention it changed the way that I feel and look at men now.
Trust is a big issue for me, always has & always will be. It is hard enough for a single gay man to try to find a partner in this world today. Let alone, one that is decent, trustworthy, kind, sincere, caring, monagomous or even interested in you for just being you and not just about sex!!! I thought you were all of that, Boy was I ever wrong!!!
So, tonight, I did the one thing I should have done after the day I finally got to meet you. After driving for four hours non-stop. After weeks and months of crying myself to sleep, in a deep depression, wondering what it was I had done to deserve to be treated like that. Thinking I was better off dead or to disappear off the face of the earth, to go where noone else could ever find me again. Where I didn't have to worry about being hurt like that ever again. And I wouldn't have to think about guys or love or asking myself those same questions over and over that would never get answered. After all of that, the lightswitch popped on over my head. I had finally found the freedom I was looking for to get over you once and for all. I have blocked you, deleted you from my contacts, erased any and all messages and/or bad memories that I have of you from my life.
But proudly, I can say now that, I'm a little bit stronger. I have a little bit more confidence now & know what it is I have to do to find the peace and happiness that I so greatly deserve and am trying to achieve in my life. I have to love and respect my self more now, to make damn sure that people like you and this sort of thing never happens to me or anyone else ever again!!!!!!
If there is a lesson to be learned here, it should be this... that no matter what hurt or pain you have suffered from the hands of someone else - You can move on with your life, and be happy once again. You can learn to leave them in the past and focus on your future. There will come a day when it will only be a bad memory, like a bad dream, this too shall pass. You can have your freedom back from these bullies, abusers, brain-washers and demons that you have encountered. Life does go on, so try to take it one day at a time & make each one of them count. You should live each day as if though it were your last. Cherish each breath you take & each moment that takes your breath away. Love those around you & let them know just how much they mean to you today, right now, right this second, because they might not be around later.
To each one of you reading this right now, if I havent told you lately, I love and cherish each and every one of you. Til we meet again, take care & may God watch over you and protect you til then.
