You can give and give and give, til you got nothing left to give anymore. And what do you get in return, NOTHING!
Today started out as a good day, woke up after less than 5 hours of sleep, and didn't even feel that tired all day long. I came home to chat with some friends online, only to find that they didn't have such a good day. It was like an epidemic, everyone I had talked to was telling me how bad their day or week was for them. Like there was a full moon out & all the crazies were roaming the streets. I did the best thing any friend 'should' do, I told them that everything was gonna get better, that there are other people out there who have it much worse off than they or I do. Trying to be the best friend I can be & put a smile on their face & their minds off their worries. Wouldn't you? (I sure hope so)
Then as the night progressed, I found the tables turning on me. Getting worse and worse as the night lingered on. I try to give as much respect and understanding as I hope to receive in return. Do unto others, as you would have them do unto you. The Golden Rule. What a joke, guess some people just didn't get that rule taught to them as a young child.
I pour my heart out to people, wearing my heart out on my sleeve. Ive always had a problem trying to show my feelings to people, then when I get the guts to show them how I feel about them, I get slapped in the face with ultimate rejection. Why do people think that you are always working some angle with them. They think you are only being nice to them to get something out of them. I have always said, once a friend... always a friend. No matter what, there may be disagreements & even some arguments between us, but doesn't mean I will turn my back on you when you really need me. That's what friends are for. We all have our good days & bad days, but when all is said & done, I'm there dude!! And it works both ways, hope that my 'true' friends would do the same for me, if not, then you weren't really a true friend...
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Inspiration comes in many forms
Just the fact that this weekend was planned with many events, I truly haven't done a thing, but veg out in front of the TV, other than the occasional walk with my new pup. I have had plenty of time to sort through my thoughts and feelings. Made me realize just how much I am missing out on right now. Don't get me wrong, I needed the rest & the peace and quiet of just me, myself and I (OK, plus the puppy of course). But I came to the conclusion that I was only tormenting myself over waiting to hear from someone who doesn't have the same intentions that I have. And then, it hit me, it was right in front of me the entire time, just took me a while to see it.
After many several failed attempts over the past 3 days of coming up with new posts for this blog, which I later deleted due to the fact that they weren't meant to be read by anyone else at the moment. But I did at least get my feelings off of my chest, even if I was the only one to read them, lol. It helped me to understand how I was truly feeling on the inside. I was mentally blocked from posting anything for the past 3 weeks, just didn't have it in me. I needed a sign, a revelation, some sort of inspiration to give me that final push to sit back down here and let the words flow thru my fingertips.
I had talked to a good friend just last night, a former classmate that I had reconnected with on Facebook, discussing her recent good fortune. I was so overjoyed, that it simply brought me to tears that someone else's prayers had finally been answered. It had given me a sense of hope, that God is truly listening. That even though we struggle and often complain about why things don't seem to go our way, that God isn't listening to us or perhaps punishing us for some strange reason, that only HE knows about. God does have a sense of humor, ya know. I had just finished repeating my own words to this very dear friend, "everything happens in God's time, and that everything happens for a reason". And it does. Although, we ultimately make the choices and decisions, HE has the journey already mapped out for us, HE has the entire story already written out on paper. We just have to keep the faith and follow his lead. It is so obvious some times, that we are oblivious to it. As plain as the nose on our face, it is sitting right there in front of us, all we have to do is reach out and grab it. 'Take that leap and soar towards the sky', I told her. She has been like my guardian angel, whenever I needed her most, she has always showed up just out of the blue. Maybe it is God speaking thru her, giving her the words of wisdom that I needed to hear at that very moment. Inspiring me to follow my heart, to listen to my soul & trust in it's guidance.
Inspiration comes in many forms, and I am lucky enough to have seen it not once, not twice, but three times this weekend. I was so consumed by the suggestions by my friends who keep telling me what I should and shouldn't do, and I appreciate their help so much, but ultimately it is my decision to make, not theirs. I was waiting for a sign, some hint of acknowledgement that someone was out there, interested in me as much as I was interested in them. I believe I have gotten that sign I was looking for. Will it turn into something more, only time will tell. But it's a start, and inspires me to keep believing & to keep hoping that my prayers are being heard and will someday be answered. That God is listening and working on my future. I've gotta be patient and just let it happen, to let fate takes it course.
To all my friends, family and fellow readers out there, thank you so much for your continued support and understanding. You will never know how much it truly means to me that someone is out there listening & believing right along with me. {{{BIG *BEARHUGS* TO YOU ALL}}}
After many several failed attempts over the past 3 days of coming up with new posts for this blog, which I later deleted due to the fact that they weren't meant to be read by anyone else at the moment. But I did at least get my feelings off of my chest, even if I was the only one to read them, lol. It helped me to understand how I was truly feeling on the inside. I was mentally blocked from posting anything for the past 3 weeks, just didn't have it in me. I needed a sign, a revelation, some sort of inspiration to give me that final push to sit back down here and let the words flow thru my fingertips.
I had talked to a good friend just last night, a former classmate that I had reconnected with on Facebook, discussing her recent good fortune. I was so overjoyed, that it simply brought me to tears that someone else's prayers had finally been answered. It had given me a sense of hope, that God is truly listening. That even though we struggle and often complain about why things don't seem to go our way, that God isn't listening to us or perhaps punishing us for some strange reason, that only HE knows about. God does have a sense of humor, ya know. I had just finished repeating my own words to this very dear friend, "everything happens in God's time, and that everything happens for a reason". And it does. Although, we ultimately make the choices and decisions, HE has the journey already mapped out for us, HE has the entire story already written out on paper. We just have to keep the faith and follow his lead. It is so obvious some times, that we are oblivious to it. As plain as the nose on our face, it is sitting right there in front of us, all we have to do is reach out and grab it. 'Take that leap and soar towards the sky', I told her. She has been like my guardian angel, whenever I needed her most, she has always showed up just out of the blue. Maybe it is God speaking thru her, giving her the words of wisdom that I needed to hear at that very moment. Inspiring me to follow my heart, to listen to my soul & trust in it's guidance.
Inspiration comes in many forms, and I am lucky enough to have seen it not once, not twice, but three times this weekend. I was so consumed by the suggestions by my friends who keep telling me what I should and shouldn't do, and I appreciate their help so much, but ultimately it is my decision to make, not theirs. I was waiting for a sign, some hint of acknowledgement that someone was out there, interested in me as much as I was interested in them. I believe I have gotten that sign I was looking for. Will it turn into something more, only time will tell. But it's a start, and inspires me to keep believing & to keep hoping that my prayers are being heard and will someday be answered. That God is listening and working on my future. I've gotta be patient and just let it happen, to let fate takes it course.
To all my friends, family and fellow readers out there, thank you so much for your continued support and understanding. You will never know how much it truly means to me that someone is out there listening & believing right along with me. {{{BIG *BEARHUGS* TO YOU ALL}}}
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
To whom it may concern:
I am picky, about everything that I do & choose to have in my life. I have standards, which started out low early in life & gradually grew as I did as I became a man. I may not have all the answers, I do not claim to be intelligent or that I will always make the right decisions throughout my life, but I have learned to weigh my options & try to make the best out of every situation that I may get myself into. I am a hard worker, but I like taking naps & enjoy my 'lazy' Sundays. I believe in Heaven & Hell, that there is a God & a Devil. I do not go to church, but I am spiritual & have my faith to keep me strong. I do not talk much, but I want to be heard when I do choose the moment to speak. I am strong-headed in my decision making, but am always second-guessing and over-analyzing every little detail afterwards. I tend to stay away from large crowds, but don't like going out alone. I love rainy days the most, but enjoy the warmth of the sun on my face. I am a dare-devil thrill seeker & an adrenaline junkie, but only when the timing is right. I like being spontaneous enough to drop everything, jump in the car & drive away somewhere for the weekend, only if I have enough money & gas to get me there. I don't like to fight, but I hate to be wrong. I enjoy the simple things in life & always notice the smallest details, but I can not look pass the big picture.
These are just some of my greater & more complicated qualities that I possess. I am looking for the person who can balance out the other half of me, someone who compliments my weakest features & doesn't complicate my strongest assets. One who will smother me with love and attention, but knows his boundaries & realizes when we need our own personal space & time to ourselves. I need respect, honesty, trust, loyalty & love which will be given as greatly if not more in return.
I am looking for someone to inspire me to be a better person. To encourage each other in new experiences. Someone who wants to travel and see new places and have new adventures together. To get me to try eating new food dishes that I have never tried before, as I find my tastes are changing. Someone to workout with and motivate me to be a healthier human being in mind, body & soul. The person who says I Love You just for no apparent reason needed, at any given moment of the day. One to say goodnight to & wake up beside each and every morning. Someone who enjoys giving back massages & foot rubs whenever asked, as well as receiving them. To have romantic nights with candle-lit dinners, for no special occasion except to be having them with that person. I'd like to have someone to cook for or with, but who still enjoys going out to eat. To stay in and watch TV on the couch, cuddled up together, or go out at times to catch a movie or a play. Someone to take long strolls along the beach at night time, walking hand in hand. Sitting together gazing up at the moon & the stars or watching fireworks together, wrapped up in each others warm embrace. Someone to kiss at midnight on New Years Eve. Someone I am proud to be with around my friends & of course my family. One with a wild & adventurous side, but knows when to be calm & show his manners in public. Who has the charm & respect of a southern gentleman, the chivalry of a knight in shining armor, the passion in everything he does & the romance to be shown to only one special person. To give a compliment as well as he receives them.
These are some of the spectacular qualities I'd like to find in a soul mate. I know it is a long wish-list and may not get everything I want, but a guy can dream can't he. Heck, two out of three ain't bad. I know he is out there somewhere, waiting for me just as I have been waiting for him. We deserve to be happy & shouldn't settle for anything less than amazing. As one, no body's perfect, but together we could be pretty dang close.
To my readers & blog-followers out there, if you happen upon this person, please be sure to send him my way & tell him I've been waiting for him.
I have been asked allot here lately, why am I still single. I don't know the answer to that question, other than the fact that I waited so late in life to really start looking for him. I have dreamed and prayed about him for most of my life, timing is everything though, and everything happens for a reason. Am I meant to be single for the rest of my life? I don't think so, I believe there is someone for everyone. And my someone could be the next person I pass on the street tomorrow, who knows. I just haven't met him yet!!!!
These are just some of my greater & more complicated qualities that I possess. I am looking for the person who can balance out the other half of me, someone who compliments my weakest features & doesn't complicate my strongest assets. One who will smother me with love and attention, but knows his boundaries & realizes when we need our own personal space & time to ourselves. I need respect, honesty, trust, loyalty & love which will be given as greatly if not more in return.
I am looking for someone to inspire me to be a better person. To encourage each other in new experiences. Someone who wants to travel and see new places and have new adventures together. To get me to try eating new food dishes that I have never tried before, as I find my tastes are changing. Someone to workout with and motivate me to be a healthier human being in mind, body & soul. The person who says I Love You just for no apparent reason needed, at any given moment of the day. One to say goodnight to & wake up beside each and every morning. Someone who enjoys giving back massages & foot rubs whenever asked, as well as receiving them. To have romantic nights with candle-lit dinners, for no special occasion except to be having them with that person. I'd like to have someone to cook for or with, but who still enjoys going out to eat. To stay in and watch TV on the couch, cuddled up together, or go out at times to catch a movie or a play. Someone to take long strolls along the beach at night time, walking hand in hand. Sitting together gazing up at the moon & the stars or watching fireworks together, wrapped up in each others warm embrace. Someone to kiss at midnight on New Years Eve. Someone I am proud to be with around my friends & of course my family. One with a wild & adventurous side, but knows when to be calm & show his manners in public. Who has the charm & respect of a southern gentleman, the chivalry of a knight in shining armor, the passion in everything he does & the romance to be shown to only one special person. To give a compliment as well as he receives them.
These are some of the spectacular qualities I'd like to find in a soul mate. I know it is a long wish-list and may not get everything I want, but a guy can dream can't he. Heck, two out of three ain't bad. I know he is out there somewhere, waiting for me just as I have been waiting for him. We deserve to be happy & shouldn't settle for anything less than amazing. As one, no body's perfect, but together we could be pretty dang close.
To my readers & blog-followers out there, if you happen upon this person, please be sure to send him my way & tell him I've been waiting for him.
I have been asked allot here lately, why am I still single. I don't know the answer to that question, other than the fact that I waited so late in life to really start looking for him. I have dreamed and prayed about him for most of my life, timing is everything though, and everything happens for a reason. Am I meant to be single for the rest of my life? I don't think so, I believe there is someone for everyone. And my someone could be the next person I pass on the street tomorrow, who knows. I just haven't met him yet!!!!
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Nightmares on Main Street
Was it really all just a dream, a fantasy of mine that I thought had come true which quickly turned into a nightmare, the torture & shocking cruelness of reality setting in that I just might be single for the rest of my life. What I thought was the perfect guy, turned out to be... just a figment of my vivid imagination, yet again. He does not exist.
Let's count shall we... 4 guys in 4 months time, that has got to be some kind of a sick demented record, at least in my book it is. It all started around the first of May, when I met the first guy of this story (all names & identities will not be disclosed for privacy reasons). Only due to the fact that I met him only twice and since I have no memory of what happened at the end of our second meeting, I will not go into that story on here nor will I ever speak of it again (so don't ask)! So, I turned to my online friends who I have met thru a mutual website... where the 2nd guy I met comes into play. He was a real piece of work, this one, it was a total roller-coaster ride with him. He had me totally brain-washed, had me believing all kinds of bullshit that he handed me. We skyped almost everyday for exactly 2 months, we had so much in common, or at least I thought so & was led to believe it was so. He was the first one to say "I Love You" to me, although I took much longer. He had understood what had happened with the first guy mentioned earlier, and could relate completely to everything that I had told him. He had comforted me, consoled & confided in me with his own sob stories, which were relatively close to my own. He even brought up the subject of marriage, saying he would buy me a ring, take me to New York & get married, then move down here from Virginia to live with me & would even pay off my mortgage completely for me. Sounded good to me... at the time, I mean I couldn't have done better if I had tried. Then we finally decided to meet on the 4th of July, it was a 4 hour drive to Richmond, Va where he lived with his "ex" (should've tipped me off right away, but I looked past that towards the bigger picture). The entire drive up, he kept texting me about how excited he was to see me & that he couldn't wait to spend the rest of our lives together. As soon as I pulled in the driveway and got out of my car to go and meet the man of my dreams, he became very distant & was acting as if he didn't even want to be near me, let alone be touched by me. He was so stand-offish, that I was only there for a total of 2 hours, before I asked him what was wrong, to which he replied... "I just don't feel the vibe, like I did when we were video-chatting online."!!! I quickly bolted out of there, with a very quick statement of 'nice to meet ya, I'm outta here' and started the 4 hour drive back home to be with my family and dear friends, just in time to catch the fireworks display that night. He was into playing games, I am not into those kind of games, he had me like a puppet on a string, pulling every trick in the book, thinking I was gonna be a way out from his own depressing life. Uugghhh!!!
So, once again, I turned to my online friends for comfort & support. This is where guy #3 comes into the story, we had been talking off and on for months before the first two guys ever came into play. So guy #3, knew the whole story, about everything I had just been through & was saying all the right words to make me feel better. At this point, I haven't had any thoughts about sex, hook-ups, one-night stands, absolutely nothing to do with another man that even brought up the thoughts of sex. He totally agreed & was in mutual agreement that it would be just 2 friends hanging out, taking things as slow as possible, and not to act on any feelings until I was ready. I wasn't completely attracted to him at first, but he was very gentle & we did alot of simple cuddling and just hanging out, getting to know one another better. Then a few days later, I became very sick, was even out of work for almost an entire week. That was when I found out from a mutual friend who lived a block away from this guy, that they had had sex with one another, while I was at home sick as a dog in the bed. I was furious, at both men, how could they betray me like that, considering both of these men knew everything that I had been through over the past couple months. Every detail of every piece of torture I had experienced, I had confided with these two particular people, and they both stabbed me in the back!!!
I was done, decided it was time to take a seriously long break from all men at that time. I fell into a deep depression, couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, didn't want to talk to anyone, didn't even want to get out of bed or from out of in front of the television. Men were like a poison to me, but I missed talking to my friends so much, that one month to the day later, after getting my heart broken for the 3rd time in a row... I decided it was time to at least try finding some true friends to start hanging out with, just some people that I could trust to help me get out of the house & to help me start living my life again. It was only on the second day, after I had created a new profile, and had described to the letter my every intent of only looking for friends, NO HOOKUPS!! NO SEX!!!, only serious people wanting to chat, that's when I met guy #4. He was perfect, or so I thought, yet once again I was mistaken. It was the weekend before he was to have started his last year of nursing school, that we decided to go and meet, just to talk & hangout. I thought, how perfect could this be, he was a full-time student, working full-time on the weekends, knowing he wouldn't have that much time for me anyways. But we continued to text like crazy, having so many things in common, saying how much he was into me as much as I was into him. Saying things like, "why haven't you texted me more today" or that "I'm into you more than you are into me". Boy, was I in for a rude awakening?!?!?! After a late night texting session on Friday night, even after the conversations we had over dinner at my place on Wednesday night.... I knew it wouldn't be much longer, something bad was gonna happen. I've gotten these same bad feelings with each and every one of the guys I have met. He had told me he was gonna get his cell number changed, due to an "ex" that had just recently started bothering him again. I had told him, jokingly, that he would end up not giving me his new number. Sure enough, I haven't heard from him since Friday night & the text messages I've sent to his old number are saying "Sent" but "Not Delivered".
Turns out, I am not even that tore up over this last guy. A friend even told me that it is a good possibility, that he was already in a relationship, considering he never gave me his address, so I couldn't come to visit him. He would only text or call back when it was convenient for him & that he could only come to my place to see me.
C'est la vie = that's life... live and learn, then move on. Life is too short & too precious to have regrets, live for the moment & make each moment count. Because you only get one chance to get it right the first time. According to the gay community, I have only just begun. But frankly speaking, I am fed up & don't wanna try anymore, if I am gonna keep going at this rate! I still keep the faith that HE is out there SOMEWHERE, and that the true love I am searching for does exist, so I continue on my journey to find it. But once again, I ask...
Let's count shall we... 4 guys in 4 months time, that has got to be some kind of a sick demented record, at least in my book it is. It all started around the first of May, when I met the first guy of this story (all names & identities will not be disclosed for privacy reasons). Only due to the fact that I met him only twice and since I have no memory of what happened at the end of our second meeting, I will not go into that story on here nor will I ever speak of it again (so don't ask)! So, I turned to my online friends who I have met thru a mutual website... where the 2nd guy I met comes into play. He was a real piece of work, this one, it was a total roller-coaster ride with him. He had me totally brain-washed, had me believing all kinds of bullshit that he handed me. We skyped almost everyday for exactly 2 months, we had so much in common, or at least I thought so & was led to believe it was so. He was the first one to say "I Love You" to me, although I took much longer. He had understood what had happened with the first guy mentioned earlier, and could relate completely to everything that I had told him. He had comforted me, consoled & confided in me with his own sob stories, which were relatively close to my own. He even brought up the subject of marriage, saying he would buy me a ring, take me to New York & get married, then move down here from Virginia to live with me & would even pay off my mortgage completely for me. Sounded good to me... at the time, I mean I couldn't have done better if I had tried. Then we finally decided to meet on the 4th of July, it was a 4 hour drive to Richmond, Va where he lived with his "ex" (should've tipped me off right away, but I looked past that towards the bigger picture). The entire drive up, he kept texting me about how excited he was to see me & that he couldn't wait to spend the rest of our lives together. As soon as I pulled in the driveway and got out of my car to go and meet the man of my dreams, he became very distant & was acting as if he didn't even want to be near me, let alone be touched by me. He was so stand-offish, that I was only there for a total of 2 hours, before I asked him what was wrong, to which he replied... "I just don't feel the vibe, like I did when we were video-chatting online."!!! I quickly bolted out of there, with a very quick statement of 'nice to meet ya, I'm outta here' and started the 4 hour drive back home to be with my family and dear friends, just in time to catch the fireworks display that night. He was into playing games, I am not into those kind of games, he had me like a puppet on a string, pulling every trick in the book, thinking I was gonna be a way out from his own depressing life. Uugghhh!!!
So, once again, I turned to my online friends for comfort & support. This is where guy #3 comes into the story, we had been talking off and on for months before the first two guys ever came into play. So guy #3, knew the whole story, about everything I had just been through & was saying all the right words to make me feel better. At this point, I haven't had any thoughts about sex, hook-ups, one-night stands, absolutely nothing to do with another man that even brought up the thoughts of sex. He totally agreed & was in mutual agreement that it would be just 2 friends hanging out, taking things as slow as possible, and not to act on any feelings until I was ready. I wasn't completely attracted to him at first, but he was very gentle & we did alot of simple cuddling and just hanging out, getting to know one another better. Then a few days later, I became very sick, was even out of work for almost an entire week. That was when I found out from a mutual friend who lived a block away from this guy, that they had had sex with one another, while I was at home sick as a dog in the bed. I was furious, at both men, how could they betray me like that, considering both of these men knew everything that I had been through over the past couple months. Every detail of every piece of torture I had experienced, I had confided with these two particular people, and they both stabbed me in the back!!!
I was done, decided it was time to take a seriously long break from all men at that time. I fell into a deep depression, couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, didn't want to talk to anyone, didn't even want to get out of bed or from out of in front of the television. Men were like a poison to me, but I missed talking to my friends so much, that one month to the day later, after getting my heart broken for the 3rd time in a row... I decided it was time to at least try finding some true friends to start hanging out with, just some people that I could trust to help me get out of the house & to help me start living my life again. It was only on the second day, after I had created a new profile, and had described to the letter my every intent of only looking for friends, NO HOOKUPS!! NO SEX!!!, only serious people wanting to chat, that's when I met guy #4. He was perfect, or so I thought, yet once again I was mistaken. It was the weekend before he was to have started his last year of nursing school, that we decided to go and meet, just to talk & hangout. I thought, how perfect could this be, he was a full-time student, working full-time on the weekends, knowing he wouldn't have that much time for me anyways. But we continued to text like crazy, having so many things in common, saying how much he was into me as much as I was into him. Saying things like, "why haven't you texted me more today" or that "I'm into you more than you are into me". Boy, was I in for a rude awakening?!?!?! After a late night texting session on Friday night, even after the conversations we had over dinner at my place on Wednesday night.... I knew it wouldn't be much longer, something bad was gonna happen. I've gotten these same bad feelings with each and every one of the guys I have met. He had told me he was gonna get his cell number changed, due to an "ex" that had just recently started bothering him again. I had told him, jokingly, that he would end up not giving me his new number. Sure enough, I haven't heard from him since Friday night & the text messages I've sent to his old number are saying "Sent" but "Not Delivered".
Turns out, I am not even that tore up over this last guy. A friend even told me that it is a good possibility, that he was already in a relationship, considering he never gave me his address, so I couldn't come to visit him. He would only text or call back when it was convenient for him & that he could only come to my place to see me.
C'est la vie = that's life... live and learn, then move on. Life is too short & too precious to have regrets, live for the moment & make each moment count. Because you only get one chance to get it right the first time. According to the gay community, I have only just begun. But frankly speaking, I am fed up & don't wanna try anymore, if I am gonna keep going at this rate! I still keep the faith that HE is out there SOMEWHERE, and that the true love I am searching for does exist, so I continue on my journey to find it. But once again, I ask...
How do I get There from Here?
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