Only time will tell...

I have always been the laid-back, reserved, calm one in my family.  But no one will ever know how much I am screaming to the top of my lungs on the inside.  Someone told me yesterday that I need therapy, not that that's a bad thing, they said... but that I have some unresolved issues pent up deep inside of me.  They also said that I tend to over-analyze things & think way too much about the situations at hand on a daily basis.  If you know me at all, you know that this is very true. 

I am a worrier, I worry about everyone & everything around me.  Always wondering in the back of my mind if I have said or done too much or simply not enough.  I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve, allowing most people to get the better of me, when I least expect it.  I become very vulnerable in tense situations, letting others over-power me.  Perhaps I am a bit naive or just gullible when it comes to certain things, but I am finding that the older I get, the more of a Don't Give a Crap attitude that I am developing, helps to put things in a better perspective.  It is just in my nature to care for everyone around me.  I don't like confrontations and I don't like to fight.  Usually I shut down in those situations, close up & keep quiet.  I will keep it bottled up inside me til I can't take no more and end up exploding - taking it out on some undeserving person or thing.  I think I get that from my father & his red-headed temper!! 

As the years go slowly by, I have really started coming out of my shell more.  I use to be very very shy, almost to the point that I would hardly ever look anyone in the eye and didn't want to even go out in public restaurants, unless I could sit in the back of the room, with my back up against the wall.  I'm not quite sure why I did this, but I do know that that person doesn't exist anymore!  I didn't even like to be touched back in those days.... even though I yearned for it so.  To be hugged, touched, caressed, comforted... it just didn't happen.  I would cringe at the thoughts of it & usually pull away at first sight of someone trying to reach out towards me.  One of my oldest & dearest friends now, use to work together at a small department store, and she had the habit of coming up behind me while I was working & run her cold hands up the back of my shirt, scratching her nails down my back.  I would usually break out in hysterical laughter at this, since I am very ticklish.  But that somehow got me use to people touching me in a way.  I guess I finally got use to the idea that some people are very touchy-feely.  I too now, am one of those people.  I love to be hugged, to show someone else that you care, that you have feelings, that you need to be touched.... if only to recognize that you do exist in the world and are only human.  It is a very warm & comforting thing.  Although, not everyone is into that sort of thing = showing their emotions!!!  I hid mine very well for many years, til I just couldn't hide them no more.  I'm just a big ol' teddy bear  ;~}

I may have some unresolved issues that I have kept hidden for a long time, perhaps I do need therapy?!?!  There are some things that I wonder if I have blocked from my memory, in order to protect myself & others.  If it is meant to be discovered, God will show me the way, as he has done through out my entire life.  He will bring you to it & he will bring you through it.

Until next time, my fellow readers, keep your head lifted, your mind sharp & your heart strong. 

Worth waiting for...

Sitting here thinking about you, knowing you are juggling so much with school, work & life in general.  Absence makes the heart grow fonder, funny I never knew how much that was true til I met you.  I spend most of my nights watching YouTube videos of love songs:  http://youtu.be/Xs9X8NhQJF4  &  http://youtu.be/sIjkVn_ro0g , just to name a few of the good ones.  Looking at your picture every free second I can, gazing at that gorgeous mug of yours & staring into the deepest green eyes I have ever seen before.  You say that you are focused on school & work right now, to get them out of the way, as this is your last year of taking classes.  I am biting my nails in anticipation, waiting for a text or a call, whenever you can find the time to communicate with me in your busy schedule.  I get a feeling of pride & become overjoyed when you do finally have a spare moment of the day to text me back, the biggest grin comes across my face each and every time & my eyes just light up.

*Sigh* I just received a text from you asking why I hadn't texted you more today... just made my heart melt, knowing that you wanted to hear from me, although I didn't want to interrupt your first day back to class.  It will be a true test of our faith & patience, to make it through these next few days & weeks, to figure out some sort of routine between us.  Knowing that it will all be well worth the wait in the end.  The matter of getting to spend time with you, will be it's own reward.

Words cannot describe the pride and amount of respect I have for you and everything that you stand for and are working so hard to achieve in your life right now.  If I can play a small part in this accomplishment, as one of your biggest supporters, would be a great honor.  I know that you have put in many hours of work and 'sweat' to have come so far.  You deserve the best out of what life has to offer you, your future looks so bright, I need my sunglasses to even look at you. 

I have waited my whole life for someone like you to come along.  Dreamed of you many times before now, just couldn't see the face clearly until the other night.  It was well worth waiting for.

The time of my life...

Just as I was starting to give up all hope, thinking I may never find that special person.  I have always been told, that when you least expect it, love will find it's way into your heart. 

You go through life, hoping and anticipating the arrival of that day to come.  It's a learning process, as you go along life's journey, figuring out what it is you want out of life & love.  What it is that makes you the most happiest, what your ideal mate will be like.  Who that person is, how they act, how they look, how they treat you & how they respect and treat other people.  It is this person, that you can see spending the rest of your life with.  They make you very happy, so much in fact, that they are the only person that you can even think of, from the moment that you first wake up to the last thought before you drift off to dream.  You find yourself daydreaming about the future, what it would be like to have them in your life, in your bed, by your side, in your heart & in your soul.  You get a funny feeling in the pit of your stomach, every time you think about them, wondering if they are thinking about you too, if they are having these same feelings. 

In this day and time of modern technology, texting is the greatest invention in the world.  It allows you to send little messages back and forth to one another.  Getting the biggest smile on my face, everytime I receive one from them.  We have only just met a few short days ago, and in this short amount of time, I have learned so much about this person.  So many things in common, the same likes & dislikes about the ideas of a good relationship.  Relating to one another's life-styles & the way that they were raised with good old-fashioned values.  The fact that they are into you as much as you are into them.  It is a great feeling.

Although, it was just a breif weekend rendezvous, I learned so much in such a short amount of time about this person.  Learning & studying the features of their face, their mannerisms, the way that they smile, the way that they laugh, their amazing eyes staring back into yours & studying your every move as well, the way that they carry themselves.  It is mesmerizing, to see them sitting so close to you, involved in every moment spent alone together.  Making every precious second count.  Testing the waters, the anticipation of that first contact, touching their skin, feeling a spark.  As he grabs your hand, interlocking each others fingers, and your first reaction is what an amazing fit it is with yours.  After the awkward nervousness has subsided, and you feel completely comfortable in their presence. You find yourself talking as if you had known each other your whole lives.  Sharing your most intimate deepest desires and fantasies.  All the while, you are driving around in their vehicle, in a somewhat strange city, a mid-way meeting place between the two of your respective homes.  Getting lost in the moment, driving for hours, taking turns down back country roads, unsure of where you are headed, he just drives along - mentioning I don't know exactly where we are headed, but wouldnt mind getting lost with you, talking non-stop about the similarities you share.  Making a connection, getting familiar with this person, not a care in the world.  Then he decides it is best to start heading back to the meeting spot where my car is.  We sit for another couple hours, just taking in these last few moments of our first date.  Knowing that the end of the night is growing ever so close now, wondering, hoping it will end with a goodnight kiss.  You are sitting just inches apart from one another in a confined space, gazing into one anothers eyes, feeling your heart racing, palms sweating, mouth-watering, moments of vulnerability, you both lean in at the same time & your lips lock.  Tasting that sweet success of a great ending to what you hope will be just the first of many more nights to come.  It wasn't just one single kiss, it was a full on makeout session.  The mutual enjoyment of each other's company leads to the agreement & anticipation of meeting again the very next night for a second date.  It was amazing, fireworks & orchestras, everything you had hope for and more. 

This is only the beginning, and the future looks damn good. To be continued...

Power outtage = Peace & Quiet

Had a good storm pass thru here last night, knocked the power out for 5 hours.  Today comes the process of cleaning up all the debris & downed tree limbs that the wind whipped around.

I have always been a fan of the rain.  It is a soothing moment, to just sit and watch everything getting drenched or lightly sprinkled with rain drops from the heavens above us.  For the most part, it always reminds me of my childhood, being curled up on the couch all wrapped up in a blanket or sheet, just gazing out & getting lost in between the drops as they hit against the glass of the window.  And if it was a bad enough storm to knock out the power, those were the best times.... no TV, no telephone, no noise cept for the rain pounding on the roof & the claps of thunder rolling through the dark sky, along with the flashes of lightening.  Those were the things that made me realize most of all, that there is a power greater than myself that controls the world around us.  But it was a time to rest & relax, to enjoy the peace & quiet, without any interruptions.  Just the amazing display of mother nature at her finest... and what a show it was!

I have vivid memories of almost every rain storm that has occurred in my life, always trying to find different moments that I would store away in my brain for future reference.  I can remember several that come to mind right now, from riding home from church one night... watching the sky fill up with numerous strikes of lightning filling the dark night sky as we were headed toward the storm cell in the distance.  It was an awesome view of natures very own fireworks lighting up the darkness around us, with each bolt bringing the images from out of the pitch black shadows, it was almost like the sun had popped back in for half of a second so that you could see all that was around you.  I loved it.  And the rolling claps of thunder, you could hear it coming from out of the distance at times, like it was miles away.  Other times, it was like God himself had clapped his own hands, as if to "wake the dead".  We have all been told different stories while growing up about thunder, such as God was bowling, or God was moving furniture up in Heaven.  Or my favorite story was when it was raining while the sun was shining was always said to be that the Devil was beating his wife, and those were her tears.

Some of my most favorite moments from growing up, was spent out in the rain.  The best times I can remember, was while I was working the night shift & we all would meet up town after work in the shopping center parking lot.  We would just hang out & chit chat about different things, such as what had happened that night at work that might have pissed us off, or deciding whether or not to go to the Waffle House to grab a bite to eat, or just hanging out and enjoying the cool night air & talking about each other's vehicles.  We would sometimes all jump in one or two of the 'good ol' boys BIG pick-up trucks & go riding out thru the country or to some late night party held out in the old cornfields.  One particular night, there was a big storm passing thru, so we all parked under the car wash bays up town, but there was so many of us hanging out, that we would go running between the bays & got drownded by the overflow of water pouring down off the rooftop gutters.  We would start splashing & jumping in the puddles, dancing around like we didn't have a care in the world.  The rain would be light at times & heavier at other times, so much that it felt like tiny bee stings all over your body when the rain was falling so hard.  Then after the rain had passed, we would all pile into someones Jeep or in the back of someones truck bed & then go riding thru the huge puddles that the rain left in the Yadkin Plaza Shopping Center.  The puddles soon became large waves, as those over-sized tires split them in half, driving straight thru them at top speeds (back when the parking lot wasn't patrolled by the cops like it is today, lol).  We would then race down the highways, usually to some open mud pit to go 'mudding' & we would end up being covered from head to toe in that red Carolina clay.  Yes sir, those were the good ol' days!

Nowadays, as I find myself getting older, the rain still brings me comfort as it did when I was a child.  But now is the time, I long for someone to be cuddled up next to on the couch, to snuggle under that blanket with another warm body lying next to me.  Sharing memories of the rain storms from our past.  Hoping that person shares my joy & love of the rain so much.  There are days that I pray for rain, to wash away all my sorrows & troubles, and remember the good times of my life.  I still enjoy standing out in the rain from time to time, and once in a great while, whether someone is looking or not, you might see me dancing around in it, making another memory.

Unanswered questions

It all starts when you see that person across a crowded room, and your eyes meet.  Almost doing a double-take, to make sure that they are looking back at you.  Then the slightest hint of a smile spreads across both of your faces.  It lasts for more than a few seconds, but feels like everything around you has stopped in time.  And then you ask yourself... are they flirting with you, or just being polite?   Is it just a part of their nature, just because they are a nice person and always wearing a smile for everyone that they see?  Or is it something more than that?  Could they really be flirting with you, are you flirting back at them?   Do they find you at all attractive, did they see something that they liked about you?  Is it your clothes, maybe the hat you wore that day that everyone tells you that you look great in, or is it just the way that you are standing there... being yourself?

You stand there, losing all sense of your surroundings.  Focusing in on that one person, how they look, how they carry themselves, every movement they make, trying to take it all in for as long as you possibly can.  You attempt to get closer to them, to reach out or maybe say something, hoping to hear them speak or to acknowledge that you exist if even in the smallest way.  Then it happens, they open their mouth to speak and the words float through your head like a drug, making you intoxicated on their very existence.  You stumble over your own words, becoming clumsy & giddy like a young school girl.  Trying to keep some sense of dignity, you try to keep your composure, hoping that you don't make a complete fool of yourself.  Did they notice that you were staring at them the whole time, almost to the point of drooling, although attempting to look as cool and confident as you can be in front of someone so incredibly good-looking?  You feel the butterflies in the pit of your stomach, fluttering around & making you feel something that you haven't felt before.  And yet you wonder, could there be a mutual attraction there, are they feeling the same thing that you are feeling right now?  Could this be the start of something more?  

You may never know the true answers to those questions, as reality starts sinking in.  Suddenly noticing that there is a group of people standing all around you.  That you are not alone, standing in the middle of a busy, crowded restaurant.  The blood starts to rush back to your head, you almost get dizzy with thoughts of bolting out of there as fast as you can, hoping that no one noticed the whole encounter.  You run back to your lonely world, wondering in the back of your mind, if by some weird twist of fate... that it really happened.  That you weren't just day-dreaming again of 'the ONE'.

Yes, this really happened to me, very recently in fact.  Who knows, if the story will be continued or not.  I guess you will just have to tune in at a later time to see for yourselves.  Til then, take care & hold onto your dreams, you never know when or where they might come true!

Had an awesome weekend!!

This past weekend couldn't have been any better, even if I had tried.  Had the Dalton Relatives & Family Reunion on Saturday... and was surprised to find out that one of my relatives is seriously tracing our heritage all the way back to the Original Dalton Gang.(Best of luck to ya Lisa)  It will be a while before all the materials come together for viewing, but will be fascinating to read I am sure!  I love history, even though I failed US History my Sophomore year of high school (had to retake it in Summer School & passed, so...YAY ME), but mostly I love looking at old pictures and hearing the stories behind them all.  Thankfully, one of my distant cousins on my mom's side of the family had created several discs of old photos completely set up with awesome background music.  {KUDOS to Lindsey} 

They brought back some great memories & some sad feelings for all of the loved ones that we have lost over the years.  We are a close-knit supportive family, a large & very LOUD family, although we don't get to see each other but once a year, if that often, we know how to have fun every time that we gather.  I was also pleased to see the 'other' set of twins in the family were able to show up this year, I hadn't seen them since they were like 6 years old & now they are in their 20's.

This year we made the decision that this would be the last year that we would be having a home-cooked dinner together, that next year instead, the suggestion had been made to just do hamburgers & hot dogs for everyone, so that no one had to worry about hauling all those dishes from so far away.  Everyone agreed that was a good idea, as well as to keep it here in the Yadkinville area, instead of moving it back to the Asheboro or Randleman areas!  They all said that they only came for one reason anyways....  that was for our side of the families DESSERTS (i.e.- the cakes)!!!  I told y'all they were the best in the world, nobody can beat our cakes, each one made with love... at least mine always are, he he!

As with any family get-together, there are always a few who are unable to attend due to conflicting schedules with work or whatever else is going on in their busy lives.  But at least we enjoyed our times together, missed the ones who didn't show up & will hopefully see them all again next year. 

I just loved hearing my mother, while standing in the buffet line, ask the young guy in front of her, "Who's husband are you or who's son are you??"  Only to find out that he was a friend of one of her cousin's kids.  Mom had seemed to have taken on the tradition of ring-leader of the group now, being the oldest daughter and all, she practically raised all her siblings as if they were her own children anyways.  Becoming the mother hen, if you will, to rally the troops for 'We're gonna say the Blessing before we eat now' prayer was made.  While I was in the kitchen, doing some last-minute food prep for the late arrival of my aunt (who always has to make her 'entrance'), I still knew when I heard the silence coming from the great hall... that it was my time to bow my head & listen along in silence for that ever-so-famous line to be said at the end.... after 'AMEN', ..."Let's EAT!!!".  Of course, my sister-in-law & myself were at the end of that long line to get to the food.  But it was all well worth the wait to get our turn at those tasty viddles.  And as always, we saw the other side of the family make a straight bee-line towards the desserts table to get first dibs at our famous cakes, before they even sat down to start eating the actual cooked food.  Ya gotta love family and their crazy quirks, wouldn't trade 'em for nothing in the world.

After the stuffing of the faces, there was that ever-so familiar congregating at each table with other relatives to remember all the past reunions & to speak of lost loved ones.  To just sit back and relax after over filling our tummies to the points of bursting at the seams, literally.  Then came the clean-up and the saying good-byes & fond farewells to everyone, as each person had to make the long journey back to their own homes.  It was a good day & I believe fun times were had by all.

Sunday afternoon brought my family together for a family portrait, the first one in over 10 or 11 years.  They will be ready for pick-up on this Friday (my birthday).  Can't wait to see how they turned out... my parents told the photographer that me, my brother and his wife, were all their children.  In which my sister-in-law pointed out later, that that would make her married to her own brother then.  We all got a good chuckle out of that one, while we enjoyed our traditional Sunday dinner together at the local steak house/ buffet restaurant.  Then I went back to my brother's house to watch two movies that they had rented for the night.  Now I am sitting here, just a few minutes shy of midnight, finishing up this post... happy & proud to have had such an exciting weekend surrounded by the people that mean more to me than anything else.... MY FAMILY.

A letter to myself...

No regrets.  Sure, I've done some things in my life that I'm not happy with, everyone's done or had at least one thing to happen in their lives that they weren't happy about, but there isn't one of those things that I would change if I could.  No one said life was easy, there's no user's guide or help desk.  Things happen, some we don't want to happen, but we have to learn somehow.  Learn from your mistakes, that is how you got to where you are today & has made you who you are.  Don't let them define you, but let them be an extension of what you can do to overcome them.

There are no easy answers, no simple way out of life.  You just have to work with what God has dealt you and make the best of it.  God will give you no more than he knows that you can handle.  Life is what you make of it, it is precious and it is short... so make it count. 

We only get one shot at it.  There are no second chances.  That is why they call it life, singular.  So, if you are not happy with the way things are going in yours, make a change, do something about it.  Go after your dreams, your hopes & aspirations.  Set goals that you know you can accomplish.  Sure, it might be a struggle in the beginning, as are most new things.  But it will all be worth it in the end result, if you want it bad enough.  Fight for what you want and for what you believe in.  Put passion into everything that you do, and be sure that it shows when other people take notice.  If it is good, they will see it.  If it is great, they will praise you for it.  And if it is amazing, they will tell others.  You can become as infamous or as popular as you want to become.  You have a voice, use it, be heard.  Your opinion matters, so make it, but choose wisely.  In order to take a leap of faith, you first must take that first step in the right direction. 

Try to be the best person that you can be.  If others are sad, try to make them smile.  If others are crying, try to console them. If others are hurt, nurture them.  If others are lost, help them.  Think positive and positive things will happen.  Think negative and negative things will happen.  So try to always think positively.  Life is whatever you make it out to be, take a chance and make it the best one you've got.  This is your journey, choose the right paths and you will always get to where you are wanting to go.  You can achieve anything, if you just believe and have faith. 

And most importantly, love and you shall be loved!

Love always,
Me