I have always been the laid-back, reserved, calm one in my family. But no one will ever know how much I am screaming to the top of my lungs on the inside. Someone told me yesterday that I need therapy, not that that's a bad thing, they said... but that I have some unresolved issues pent up deep inside of me. They also said that I tend to over-analyze things & think way too much about the situations at hand on a daily basis. If you know me at all, you know that this is very true.
I am a worrier, I worry about everyone & everything around me. Always wondering in the back of my mind if I have said or done too much or simply not enough. I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve, allowing most people to get the better of me, when I least expect it. I become very vulnerable in tense situations, letting others over-power me. Perhaps I am a bit naive or just gullible when it comes to certain things, but I am finding that the older I get, the more of a Don't Give a Crap attitude that I am developing, helps to put things in a better perspective. It is just in my nature to care for everyone around me. I don't like confrontations and I don't like to fight. Usually I shut down in those situations, close up & keep quiet. I will keep it bottled up inside me til I can't take no more and end up exploding - taking it out on some undeserving person or thing. I think I get that from my father & his red-headed temper!!
As the years go slowly by, I have really started coming out of my shell more. I use to be very very shy, almost to the point that I would hardly ever look anyone in the eye and didn't want to even go out in public restaurants, unless I could sit in the back of the room, with my back up against the wall. I'm not quite sure why I did this, but I do know that that person doesn't exist anymore! I didn't even like to be touched back in those days.... even though I yearned for it so. To be hugged, touched, caressed, comforted... it just didn't happen. I would cringe at the thoughts of it & usually pull away at first sight of someone trying to reach out towards me. One of my oldest & dearest friends now, use to work together at a small department store, and she had the habit of coming up behind me while I was working & run her cold hands up the back of my shirt, scratching her nails down my back. I would usually break out in hysterical laughter at this, since I am very ticklish. But that somehow got me use to people touching me in a way. I guess I finally got use to the idea that some people are very touchy-feely. I too now, am one of those people. I love to be hugged, to show someone else that you care, that you have feelings, that you need to be touched.... if only to recognize that you do exist in the world and are only human. It is a very warm & comforting thing. Although, not everyone is into that sort of thing = showing their emotions!!! I hid mine very well for many years, til I just couldn't hide them no more. I'm just a big ol' teddy bear ;~}
I may have some unresolved issues that I have kept hidden for a long time, perhaps I do need therapy?!?! There are some things that I wonder if I have blocked from my memory, in order to protect myself & others. If it is meant to be discovered, God will show me the way, as he has done through out my entire life. He will bring you to it & he will bring you through it.
Until next time, my fellow readers, keep your head lifted, your mind sharp & your heart strong.
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