This is starting to become a place where I come and feel more down each time I post something new. The holidays are approaching us once again, seems to come faster and faster with each passing year. The older I get, the more I HATE the holidays, despise them, loathe them even. They are only meant for couples. With each holiday brings more hatred and a sad reminder of how alone I am in this world.
A little piece of me dies more and more each time that I have to listen to someone else bragging about all the presents they are getting for their loved ones. Uuugggghh... I can't take it anymore!! Somebody, anybody, please just shoot me already & put me out of my misery.
It has been a very rough couple days this past week. Hell, it has really been a rough year if ya wanna know the truth. Think it started back on last New Year's Eve, the countdown to midnight had begun & I found myself surrounded by a crowd of happy couples reaching & grabbing their spouses or significant others for that exclusive first kiss of the new year. There I was sitting in the corner, all alone & asking myself, "What in the world am I doing here?" It was shear torture, like someone was just twisting the knife in my heart & giving it a hundred little jabs. Awkward floods of tears welled up in my eyes, filled with emotion & disgust, that I quickly choked back, so as no one would have recognized the pain I was feeling at that moment. Hoping no one had noticed and would then run over to ask me what was wrong. Yea, like that was what I needed, for someone to come and point out that the only obvious single guy there was feeling alone and depressed. As usual, no one ever really notices me, that is my curse & my fate.
Of course, everyone knows the next big holiday to come was the dreaded V-day. That is the worst holiday of them all. This year, I actually had plans to meet someone, a first date meeting in fact. Would have actually been a first date for me EVER on Valentine's Day...ever. But the guy canceled at last minute, and never heard from him again until 9 months later. Hahaha, long funny story. Not gonna get into that one on here now though. Just wasn't "meant to be".
If you have read my other posts you should already know what happened over the next several months between Memorial Day, the 4th of July & the events leading up to current day. Things just kept going in a downward spiral as the year went on.
Present day, 2 weeks before Christmas, and I haven't even put up my tree yet or had the desire to get in the "SPIRIT of the SEASON". And it has always been my favorite holiday, but not anymore. There is no sense in putting up a tree that no one will ever see, and there will definitely be no presents to be put underneath it, and no sense in decorating since no one will be visiting my house this year. It just doesn't feel like Christmas this year to me, it has come so quickly, here's hoping that it flies by just as quickly!!!!
I wish certain people would stop asking me about my love life, asking me if I'm talking to anyone new or seeing anyone in particular. I'm not, and probably never will again. The fight is gone, the search is over. I don't have the desire to talk to potential dates anymore, cause it just ain't gonna happen. People say, maybe you're trying to hard, stop looking for love & let it find you. But even if I did, those feelings won't just go away, it is always there in the back of my mind, wondering if that person is really out there, if it is truly meant to be or will it ever become a reality for me. If that person is out there looking for me, then they need to try a little harder to find me, they need to work as hard as I have been or harder if they want to be with me. Because 37 years is too long of a wait & a lost cause, if you ask me, don't you think?
BAH-HUMBUG
;{p
