This is starting to become a place where I come and feel more down each time I post something new. The holidays are approaching us once again, seems to come faster and faster with each passing year. The older I get, the more I HATE the holidays, despise them, loathe them even. They are only meant for couples. With each holiday brings more hatred and a sad reminder of how alone I am in this world.
A little piece of me dies more and more each time that I have to listen to someone else bragging about all the presents they are getting for their loved ones. Uuugggghh... I can't take it anymore!! Somebody, anybody, please just shoot me already & put me out of my misery.
It has been a very rough couple days this past week. Hell, it has really been a rough year if ya wanna know the truth. Think it started back on last New Year's Eve, the countdown to midnight had begun & I found myself surrounded by a crowd of happy couples reaching & grabbing their spouses or significant others for that exclusive first kiss of the new year. There I was sitting in the corner, all alone & asking myself, "What in the world am I doing here?" It was shear torture, like someone was just twisting the knife in my heart & giving it a hundred little jabs. Awkward floods of tears welled up in my eyes, filled with emotion & disgust, that I quickly choked back, so as no one would have recognized the pain I was feeling at that moment. Hoping no one had noticed and would then run over to ask me what was wrong. Yea, like that was what I needed, for someone to come and point out that the only obvious single guy there was feeling alone and depressed. As usual, no one ever really notices me, that is my curse & my fate.
Of course, everyone knows the next big holiday to come was the dreaded V-day. That is the worst holiday of them all. This year, I actually had plans to meet someone, a first date meeting in fact. Would have actually been a first date for me EVER on Valentine's Day...ever. But the guy canceled at last minute, and never heard from him again until 9 months later. Hahaha, long funny story. Not gonna get into that one on here now though. Just wasn't "meant to be".
If you have read my other posts you should already know what happened over the next several months between Memorial Day, the 4th of July & the events leading up to current day. Things just kept going in a downward spiral as the year went on.
Present day, 2 weeks before Christmas, and I haven't even put up my tree yet or had the desire to get in the "SPIRIT of the SEASON". And it has always been my favorite holiday, but not anymore. There is no sense in putting up a tree that no one will ever see, and there will definitely be no presents to be put underneath it, and no sense in decorating since no one will be visiting my house this year. It just doesn't feel like Christmas this year to me, it has come so quickly, here's hoping that it flies by just as quickly!!!!
I wish certain people would stop asking me about my love life, asking me if I'm talking to anyone new or seeing anyone in particular. I'm not, and probably never will again. The fight is gone, the search is over. I don't have the desire to talk to potential dates anymore, cause it just ain't gonna happen. People say, maybe you're trying to hard, stop looking for love & let it find you. But even if I did, those feelings won't just go away, it is always there in the back of my mind, wondering if that person is really out there, if it is truly meant to be or will it ever become a reality for me. If that person is out there looking for me, then they need to try a little harder to find me, they need to work as hard as I have been or harder if they want to be with me. Because 37 years is too long of a wait & a lost cause, if you ask me, don't you think?
BAH-HUMBUG
;{p
Friday, December 9, 2011
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Freedom is only a click away >>>
I hadn't realized just how much of an affect you had on my heart and my mind, until just a few minutes ago.
I was checking my facebook friends walls and ran across yours... that was the moment that it hit me. You were talking some off the wall crap, that needed to be ignored, but it really hit me where it counts the most. Down deep in my heart.... I guess your little mind-games and wicked words still had control over how I felt towards other guys and just men in general. I almost lost a great friendship tonight, which all leads back to the way you treated me. You had me completely brain-washed in believing that you had true genuine feelings for me. But that wasn't the case, was it. I was just your escape, a way out of your own pathetic excuse of a life. I see that now, all too clearly.
You knew all the right words to say, to get me to believe your coniving, back-handed ways of thinking. I was convinced that you cared for me, that you loved me, you even was the one to say it first. Actually, you were the only one to say it!! I never uttered those words... ever... to anyone before. But I thought that it had to be true, because of the things you were saying sounded very heartfelt & sincere. I felt sorry for you, and even pity for the stories you had told me about your upbringing and your background of the pain & abusive things you had to endure while growing up. I won't go into details here, because it is not my story to tell, it was yours!! Whether it was true or not, still remains to be seen. It doesn't matter, that just because you had to endure it, you used it to your advantage to get people's sympathy and kind gestures to turn things around in your favor, to get what it was you wanted most... attention! That is just mean and wrong on so many levels. Not to mention it changed the way that I feel and look at men now.
Trust is a big issue for me, always has & always will be. It is hard enough for a single gay man to try to find a partner in this world today. Let alone, one that is decent, trustworthy, kind, sincere, caring, monagomous or even interested in you for just being you and not just about sex!!! I thought you were all of that, Boy was I ever wrong!!!
So, tonight, I did the one thing I should have done after the day I finally got to meet you. After driving for four hours non-stop. After weeks and months of crying myself to sleep, in a deep depression, wondering what it was I had done to deserve to be treated like that. Thinking I was better off dead or to disappear off the face of the earth, to go where noone else could ever find me again. Where I didn't have to worry about being hurt like that ever again. And I wouldn't have to think about guys or love or asking myself those same questions over and over that would never get answered. After all of that, the lightswitch popped on over my head. I had finally found the freedom I was looking for to get over you once and for all. I have blocked you, deleted you from my contacts, erased any and all messages and/or bad memories that I have of you from my life.
But proudly, I can say now that, I'm a little bit stronger. I have a little bit more confidence now & know what it is I have to do to find the peace and happiness that I so greatly deserve and am trying to achieve in my life. I have to love and respect my self more now, to make damn sure that people like you and this sort of thing never happens to me or anyone else ever again!!!!!!
If there is a lesson to be learned here, it should be this... that no matter what hurt or pain you have suffered from the hands of someone else - You can move on with your life, and be happy once again. You can learn to leave them in the past and focus on your future. There will come a day when it will only be a bad memory, like a bad dream, this too shall pass. You can have your freedom back from these bullies, abusers, brain-washers and demons that you have encountered. Life does go on, so try to take it one day at a time & make each one of them count. You should live each day as if though it were your last. Cherish each breath you take & each moment that takes your breath away. Love those around you & let them know just how much they mean to you today, right now, right this second, because they might not be around later.
To each one of you reading this right now, if I havent told you lately, I love and cherish each and every one of you. Til we meet again, take care & may God watch over you and protect you til then.
I was checking my facebook friends walls and ran across yours... that was the moment that it hit me. You were talking some off the wall crap, that needed to be ignored, but it really hit me where it counts the most. Down deep in my heart.... I guess your little mind-games and wicked words still had control over how I felt towards other guys and just men in general. I almost lost a great friendship tonight, which all leads back to the way you treated me. You had me completely brain-washed in believing that you had true genuine feelings for me. But that wasn't the case, was it. I was just your escape, a way out of your own pathetic excuse of a life. I see that now, all too clearly.
You knew all the right words to say, to get me to believe your coniving, back-handed ways of thinking. I was convinced that you cared for me, that you loved me, you even was the one to say it first. Actually, you were the only one to say it!! I never uttered those words... ever... to anyone before. But I thought that it had to be true, because of the things you were saying sounded very heartfelt & sincere. I felt sorry for you, and even pity for the stories you had told me about your upbringing and your background of the pain & abusive things you had to endure while growing up. I won't go into details here, because it is not my story to tell, it was yours!! Whether it was true or not, still remains to be seen. It doesn't matter, that just because you had to endure it, you used it to your advantage to get people's sympathy and kind gestures to turn things around in your favor, to get what it was you wanted most... attention! That is just mean and wrong on so many levels. Not to mention it changed the way that I feel and look at men now.
Trust is a big issue for me, always has & always will be. It is hard enough for a single gay man to try to find a partner in this world today. Let alone, one that is decent, trustworthy, kind, sincere, caring, monagomous or even interested in you for just being you and not just about sex!!! I thought you were all of that, Boy was I ever wrong!!!
So, tonight, I did the one thing I should have done after the day I finally got to meet you. After driving for four hours non-stop. After weeks and months of crying myself to sleep, in a deep depression, wondering what it was I had done to deserve to be treated like that. Thinking I was better off dead or to disappear off the face of the earth, to go where noone else could ever find me again. Where I didn't have to worry about being hurt like that ever again. And I wouldn't have to think about guys or love or asking myself those same questions over and over that would never get answered. After all of that, the lightswitch popped on over my head. I had finally found the freedom I was looking for to get over you once and for all. I have blocked you, deleted you from my contacts, erased any and all messages and/or bad memories that I have of you from my life.
But proudly, I can say now that, I'm a little bit stronger. I have a little bit more confidence now & know what it is I have to do to find the peace and happiness that I so greatly deserve and am trying to achieve in my life. I have to love and respect my self more now, to make damn sure that people like you and this sort of thing never happens to me or anyone else ever again!!!!!!
If there is a lesson to be learned here, it should be this... that no matter what hurt or pain you have suffered from the hands of someone else - You can move on with your life, and be happy once again. You can learn to leave them in the past and focus on your future. There will come a day when it will only be a bad memory, like a bad dream, this too shall pass. You can have your freedom back from these bullies, abusers, brain-washers and demons that you have encountered. Life does go on, so try to take it one day at a time & make each one of them count. You should live each day as if though it were your last. Cherish each breath you take & each moment that takes your breath away. Love those around you & let them know just how much they mean to you today, right now, right this second, because they might not be around later.
To each one of you reading this right now, if I havent told you lately, I love and cherish each and every one of you. Til we meet again, take care & may God watch over you and protect you til then.
Friday, October 21, 2011
Giving up...
All the fight is gone, the search is over. I am giving up all hopes of finding the "One". He does not exist, he is not out there waiting for me. It is only a myth, a dream, a fantasy. It is happiness unfulfilled, a dream that will never become a reality, a made up story that only happens in the movies. I do not believe it is meant to happen for myself. If it was, it would've already happened by now.
I will end up being a sad & miserable old man, grumpy and pathetic. Someone that noone ever wants to go visit or talk to... oh wait, that is happening now!!!
I have been out & have flirted til there is nothing left to give anymore. No desire to even try to impress anyone anymore, not like I was hitting on much before the weight loss anyways. So, why should I start now?!?! Seems like the only guys I find interesting live hours away from me or in an entirely different state allgother. I sure have looked around here and the selections are slim to none. Unless I decide to move away from here in a year or so, sell my house & move up into the mountains to become a hermit, pretty much like Im doing now, or out towards the beach, which has always been my life long dream to live near water... nothing new or exciting is gonna happen in my life. I'm not even sure that people are truly reading these blogs, cept for a few comments made by my closest select friends. No comments. So this will be my last blog for a while, I am done writing about it and praying about it. God must be punishing me for something I have done & not quite sure what that is yet. Depressed & alone... forever!
I keep hearing people say, "oh, your so cute, your so sweet, you should have no problems finding someone". But I beg to differ, this has been the toughest thing I have ever tried to do in my life. Men are pigs, they only want one thing. Don't get me wrong, I want the same thing, but that isn't all I want, and it's not one of the biggest priorities on my list. I've talked about the need for romance and passion, but that is a lost cause. No guy out there is wanting that. They are only interested in a quickie, something to satisfy their needs and then they are gone in a flash. That is not what I am about.
I have decided to take a personal vow of celibacy & have followed it closely for the past 5 months. That's right, I said it... NO SEX until I can find the right person to break the curse. Maybe it will be possible to become a virgin again. WOOHOO, something I thought I would never hear myself saying, I want to be a virgin again. I want the next time that I decide to lay down with someone, that it will feel like the first time all over again.
Feeling depressed and alone, something I am gonna have to just get used to, have been for some time now. A co-worker asked me the other day if everything was ok, that I looked so sad & was quieter than usual. She told me that I usually hide it so well. But Im tired of trying to hide it, it is only making things worse.
I am not asking for pity, for anyone to feel sorry for me. It is what it is. I am just sitting here blabbing about it, to get it off my chest. If you wanna listen to me, fine, if you don't, fine. I don't really have the strength to even care anymore. I am exhausted & worn out from trying to give a shit about anything, what's the use. Farewell, if I get a feeling to write again, so be it. :(
I will end up being a sad & miserable old man, grumpy and pathetic. Someone that noone ever wants to go visit or talk to... oh wait, that is happening now!!!
I have been out & have flirted til there is nothing left to give anymore. No desire to even try to impress anyone anymore, not like I was hitting on much before the weight loss anyways. So, why should I start now?!?! Seems like the only guys I find interesting live hours away from me or in an entirely different state allgother. I sure have looked around here and the selections are slim to none. Unless I decide to move away from here in a year or so, sell my house & move up into the mountains to become a hermit, pretty much like Im doing now, or out towards the beach, which has always been my life long dream to live near water... nothing new or exciting is gonna happen in my life. I'm not even sure that people are truly reading these blogs, cept for a few comments made by my closest select friends. No comments. So this will be my last blog for a while, I am done writing about it and praying about it. God must be punishing me for something I have done & not quite sure what that is yet. Depressed & alone... forever!
I keep hearing people say, "oh, your so cute, your so sweet, you should have no problems finding someone". But I beg to differ, this has been the toughest thing I have ever tried to do in my life. Men are pigs, they only want one thing. Don't get me wrong, I want the same thing, but that isn't all I want, and it's not one of the biggest priorities on my list. I've talked about the need for romance and passion, but that is a lost cause. No guy out there is wanting that. They are only interested in a quickie, something to satisfy their needs and then they are gone in a flash. That is not what I am about.
I have decided to take a personal vow of celibacy & have followed it closely for the past 5 months. That's right, I said it... NO SEX until I can find the right person to break the curse. Maybe it will be possible to become a virgin again. WOOHOO, something I thought I would never hear myself saying, I want to be a virgin again. I want the next time that I decide to lay down with someone, that it will feel like the first time all over again.
Feeling depressed and alone, something I am gonna have to just get used to, have been for some time now. A co-worker asked me the other day if everything was ok, that I looked so sad & was quieter than usual. She told me that I usually hide it so well. But Im tired of trying to hide it, it is only making things worse.
I am not asking for pity, for anyone to feel sorry for me. It is what it is. I am just sitting here blabbing about it, to get it off my chest. If you wanna listen to me, fine, if you don't, fine. I don't really have the strength to even care anymore. I am exhausted & worn out from trying to give a shit about anything, what's the use. Farewell, if I get a feeling to write again, so be it. :(
Sunday, October 9, 2011
WANTED: Single Friends
In search of single friends here, ones to go hang out with & have a good time with. With no worries about feeling like a 3rd-wheel in the sea of couples. Need to feel like I belong to something, not like an outsider looking in at all the happy people who have someone in their lives and are actually in love, but to be around other single friends who knows what it's like to feel alone & lonely. Not looking for a sad pity group, but a cool bunch of people who enjoy going out or coming over to hang out at a friends house to just enjoy some quality time together & talk about things, just to have some fun & excitement.
I have heard of people talking about having travel companions, people who take trips together with no strings attached, only to maybe share the gas & food expenses. But to go somewhere other than your hometown, even if only to just take a drive up through the Blue Ridge Parkway to see all the fall colors changing on the trees or up to Amish country to buy some apple butter or out to the Outer Banks of North Carolina, just to see the lighthouses & feel the cool ocean breeze. I want that spontaneity of just getting in the vehicle and driving til we can't drive no more. And discover whatever it is around us where we have arrived at. To walk into all the little shops and country stores to see the different wares and cultural knick-knacks that are sold there that you can't find in your local Wal-Mart or other big-chain grocery store. Just the experience alone, would be amazing and rewarding.
Who is with me? Who wants to go on this journey with me? No plans, no worries, no commitments, no pressure, no strings attached. Just an adventure, a trip to anywhere, locally or a few hours drive to somewhere other than here. I know times are hard, and money is tight for most people (if not all people). It doesn't have to be a big planned out expensive thing, where you have to stay in a big fancy hotel or eat at the finest restaurants. We can pack lunches, sleep in the vehicle, or it could be just a day-trip sort of thing, where we drive there and back in the same day, or it could be a 2-day weekend trip, driving up on a Friday evening or Saturday morning then come back on Sunday afternoon late. Doesn't matter to me, just to get away from it all & have a fun time out on the open road. Discovering small town charms & southern hospitality at it's finest. Searching for the destinations and memories that will make for an awesome trip of a lifetime. It's the simple little things that can make you happy, just to get out and discover them for yourself, to live life to the fullest and take advantage of every precious moment.
If you are tired of spending another dull day stuck in your sleepy little town, or don't wanna spend another weekend all alone in your house. Ready to get out and explore life for yourself, instead of hearing about all your coupled friends trips and adventures, then it is time to take charge of the situation and go out and grab life by the horns and just do it. Would love to hear some feedback from truly interested people only. Click on the comment button below and please leave your suggestions and remarks, only if you are ready to go on this journey with me. I only have two questions, "When do we leave?" & "How do we get there from here?".
I have heard of people talking about having travel companions, people who take trips together with no strings attached, only to maybe share the gas & food expenses. But to go somewhere other than your hometown, even if only to just take a drive up through the Blue Ridge Parkway to see all the fall colors changing on the trees or up to Amish country to buy some apple butter or out to the Outer Banks of North Carolina, just to see the lighthouses & feel the cool ocean breeze. I want that spontaneity of just getting in the vehicle and driving til we can't drive no more. And discover whatever it is around us where we have arrived at. To walk into all the little shops and country stores to see the different wares and cultural knick-knacks that are sold there that you can't find in your local Wal-Mart or other big-chain grocery store. Just the experience alone, would be amazing and rewarding.
Who is with me? Who wants to go on this journey with me? No plans, no worries, no commitments, no pressure, no strings attached. Just an adventure, a trip to anywhere, locally or a few hours drive to somewhere other than here. I know times are hard, and money is tight for most people (if not all people). It doesn't have to be a big planned out expensive thing, where you have to stay in a big fancy hotel or eat at the finest restaurants. We can pack lunches, sleep in the vehicle, or it could be just a day-trip sort of thing, where we drive there and back in the same day, or it could be a 2-day weekend trip, driving up on a Friday evening or Saturday morning then come back on Sunday afternoon late. Doesn't matter to me, just to get away from it all & have a fun time out on the open road. Discovering small town charms & southern hospitality at it's finest. Searching for the destinations and memories that will make for an awesome trip of a lifetime. It's the simple little things that can make you happy, just to get out and discover them for yourself, to live life to the fullest and take advantage of every precious moment.
If you are tired of spending another dull day stuck in your sleepy little town, or don't wanna spend another weekend all alone in your house. Ready to get out and explore life for yourself, instead of hearing about all your coupled friends trips and adventures, then it is time to take charge of the situation and go out and grab life by the horns and just do it. Would love to hear some feedback from truly interested people only. Click on the comment button below and please leave your suggestions and remarks, only if you are ready to go on this journey with me. I only have two questions, "When do we leave?" & "How do we get there from here?".
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Give & Take
You can give and give and give, til you got nothing left to give anymore. And what do you get in return, NOTHING!
Today started out as a good day, woke up after less than 5 hours of sleep, and didn't even feel that tired all day long. I came home to chat with some friends online, only to find that they didn't have such a good day. It was like an epidemic, everyone I had talked to was telling me how bad their day or week was for them. Like there was a full moon out & all the crazies were roaming the streets. I did the best thing any friend 'should' do, I told them that everything was gonna get better, that there are other people out there who have it much worse off than they or I do. Trying to be the best friend I can be & put a smile on their face & their minds off their worries. Wouldn't you? (I sure hope so)
Then as the night progressed, I found the tables turning on me. Getting worse and worse as the night lingered on. I try to give as much respect and understanding as I hope to receive in return. Do unto others, as you would have them do unto you. The Golden Rule. What a joke, guess some people just didn't get that rule taught to them as a young child.
I pour my heart out to people, wearing my heart out on my sleeve. Ive always had a problem trying to show my feelings to people, then when I get the guts to show them how I feel about them, I get slapped in the face with ultimate rejection. Why do people think that you are always working some angle with them. They think you are only being nice to them to get something out of them. I have always said, once a friend... always a friend. No matter what, there may be disagreements & even some arguments between us, but doesn't mean I will turn my back on you when you really need me. That's what friends are for. We all have our good days & bad days, but when all is said & done, I'm there dude!! And it works both ways, hope that my 'true' friends would do the same for me, if not, then you weren't really a true friend...
Today started out as a good day, woke up after less than 5 hours of sleep, and didn't even feel that tired all day long. I came home to chat with some friends online, only to find that they didn't have such a good day. It was like an epidemic, everyone I had talked to was telling me how bad their day or week was for them. Like there was a full moon out & all the crazies were roaming the streets. I did the best thing any friend 'should' do, I told them that everything was gonna get better, that there are other people out there who have it much worse off than they or I do. Trying to be the best friend I can be & put a smile on their face & their minds off their worries. Wouldn't you? (I sure hope so)
Then as the night progressed, I found the tables turning on me. Getting worse and worse as the night lingered on. I try to give as much respect and understanding as I hope to receive in return. Do unto others, as you would have them do unto you. The Golden Rule. What a joke, guess some people just didn't get that rule taught to them as a young child.
I pour my heart out to people, wearing my heart out on my sleeve. Ive always had a problem trying to show my feelings to people, then when I get the guts to show them how I feel about them, I get slapped in the face with ultimate rejection. Why do people think that you are always working some angle with them. They think you are only being nice to them to get something out of them. I have always said, once a friend... always a friend. No matter what, there may be disagreements & even some arguments between us, but doesn't mean I will turn my back on you when you really need me. That's what friends are for. We all have our good days & bad days, but when all is said & done, I'm there dude!! And it works both ways, hope that my 'true' friends would do the same for me, if not, then you weren't really a true friend...
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Inspiration comes in many forms
Just the fact that this weekend was planned with many events, I truly haven't done a thing, but veg out in front of the TV, other than the occasional walk with my new pup. I have had plenty of time to sort through my thoughts and feelings. Made me realize just how much I am missing out on right now. Don't get me wrong, I needed the rest & the peace and quiet of just me, myself and I (OK, plus the puppy of course). But I came to the conclusion that I was only tormenting myself over waiting to hear from someone who doesn't have the same intentions that I have. And then, it hit me, it was right in front of me the entire time, just took me a while to see it.
After many several failed attempts over the past 3 days of coming up with new posts for this blog, which I later deleted due to the fact that they weren't meant to be read by anyone else at the moment. But I did at least get my feelings off of my chest, even if I was the only one to read them, lol. It helped me to understand how I was truly feeling on the inside. I was mentally blocked from posting anything for the past 3 weeks, just didn't have it in me. I needed a sign, a revelation, some sort of inspiration to give me that final push to sit back down here and let the words flow thru my fingertips.
I had talked to a good friend just last night, a former classmate that I had reconnected with on Facebook, discussing her recent good fortune. I was so overjoyed, that it simply brought me to tears that someone else's prayers had finally been answered. It had given me a sense of hope, that God is truly listening. That even though we struggle and often complain about why things don't seem to go our way, that God isn't listening to us or perhaps punishing us for some strange reason, that only HE knows about. God does have a sense of humor, ya know. I had just finished repeating my own words to this very dear friend, "everything happens in God's time, and that everything happens for a reason". And it does. Although, we ultimately make the choices and decisions, HE has the journey already mapped out for us, HE has the entire story already written out on paper. We just have to keep the faith and follow his lead. It is so obvious some times, that we are oblivious to it. As plain as the nose on our face, it is sitting right there in front of us, all we have to do is reach out and grab it. 'Take that leap and soar towards the sky', I told her. She has been like my guardian angel, whenever I needed her most, she has always showed up just out of the blue. Maybe it is God speaking thru her, giving her the words of wisdom that I needed to hear at that very moment. Inspiring me to follow my heart, to listen to my soul & trust in it's guidance.
Inspiration comes in many forms, and I am lucky enough to have seen it not once, not twice, but three times this weekend. I was so consumed by the suggestions by my friends who keep telling me what I should and shouldn't do, and I appreciate their help so much, but ultimately it is my decision to make, not theirs. I was waiting for a sign, some hint of acknowledgement that someone was out there, interested in me as much as I was interested in them. I believe I have gotten that sign I was looking for. Will it turn into something more, only time will tell. But it's a start, and inspires me to keep believing & to keep hoping that my prayers are being heard and will someday be answered. That God is listening and working on my future. I've gotta be patient and just let it happen, to let fate takes it course.
To all my friends, family and fellow readers out there, thank you so much for your continued support and understanding. You will never know how much it truly means to me that someone is out there listening & believing right along with me. {{{BIG *BEARHUGS* TO YOU ALL}}}
After many several failed attempts over the past 3 days of coming up with new posts for this blog, which I later deleted due to the fact that they weren't meant to be read by anyone else at the moment. But I did at least get my feelings off of my chest, even if I was the only one to read them, lol. It helped me to understand how I was truly feeling on the inside. I was mentally blocked from posting anything for the past 3 weeks, just didn't have it in me. I needed a sign, a revelation, some sort of inspiration to give me that final push to sit back down here and let the words flow thru my fingertips.
I had talked to a good friend just last night, a former classmate that I had reconnected with on Facebook, discussing her recent good fortune. I was so overjoyed, that it simply brought me to tears that someone else's prayers had finally been answered. It had given me a sense of hope, that God is truly listening. That even though we struggle and often complain about why things don't seem to go our way, that God isn't listening to us or perhaps punishing us for some strange reason, that only HE knows about. God does have a sense of humor, ya know. I had just finished repeating my own words to this very dear friend, "everything happens in God's time, and that everything happens for a reason". And it does. Although, we ultimately make the choices and decisions, HE has the journey already mapped out for us, HE has the entire story already written out on paper. We just have to keep the faith and follow his lead. It is so obvious some times, that we are oblivious to it. As plain as the nose on our face, it is sitting right there in front of us, all we have to do is reach out and grab it. 'Take that leap and soar towards the sky', I told her. She has been like my guardian angel, whenever I needed her most, she has always showed up just out of the blue. Maybe it is God speaking thru her, giving her the words of wisdom that I needed to hear at that very moment. Inspiring me to follow my heart, to listen to my soul & trust in it's guidance.
Inspiration comes in many forms, and I am lucky enough to have seen it not once, not twice, but three times this weekend. I was so consumed by the suggestions by my friends who keep telling me what I should and shouldn't do, and I appreciate their help so much, but ultimately it is my decision to make, not theirs. I was waiting for a sign, some hint of acknowledgement that someone was out there, interested in me as much as I was interested in them. I believe I have gotten that sign I was looking for. Will it turn into something more, only time will tell. But it's a start, and inspires me to keep believing & to keep hoping that my prayers are being heard and will someday be answered. That God is listening and working on my future. I've gotta be patient and just let it happen, to let fate takes it course.
To all my friends, family and fellow readers out there, thank you so much for your continued support and understanding. You will never know how much it truly means to me that someone is out there listening & believing right along with me. {{{BIG *BEARHUGS* TO YOU ALL}}}
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
To whom it may concern:
I am picky, about everything that I do & choose to have in my life. I have standards, which started out low early in life & gradually grew as I did as I became a man. I may not have all the answers, I do not claim to be intelligent or that I will always make the right decisions throughout my life, but I have learned to weigh my options & try to make the best out of every situation that I may get myself into. I am a hard worker, but I like taking naps & enjoy my 'lazy' Sundays. I believe in Heaven & Hell, that there is a God & a Devil. I do not go to church, but I am spiritual & have my faith to keep me strong. I do not talk much, but I want to be heard when I do choose the moment to speak. I am strong-headed in my decision making, but am always second-guessing and over-analyzing every little detail afterwards. I tend to stay away from large crowds, but don't like going out alone. I love rainy days the most, but enjoy the warmth of the sun on my face. I am a dare-devil thrill seeker & an adrenaline junkie, but only when the timing is right. I like being spontaneous enough to drop everything, jump in the car & drive away somewhere for the weekend, only if I have enough money & gas to get me there. I don't like to fight, but I hate to be wrong. I enjoy the simple things in life & always notice the smallest details, but I can not look pass the big picture.
These are just some of my greater & more complicated qualities that I possess. I am looking for the person who can balance out the other half of me, someone who compliments my weakest features & doesn't complicate my strongest assets. One who will smother me with love and attention, but knows his boundaries & realizes when we need our own personal space & time to ourselves. I need respect, honesty, trust, loyalty & love which will be given as greatly if not more in return.
I am looking for someone to inspire me to be a better person. To encourage each other in new experiences. Someone who wants to travel and see new places and have new adventures together. To get me to try eating new food dishes that I have never tried before, as I find my tastes are changing. Someone to workout with and motivate me to be a healthier human being in mind, body & soul. The person who says I Love You just for no apparent reason needed, at any given moment of the day. One to say goodnight to & wake up beside each and every morning. Someone who enjoys giving back massages & foot rubs whenever asked, as well as receiving them. To have romantic nights with candle-lit dinners, for no special occasion except to be having them with that person. I'd like to have someone to cook for or with, but who still enjoys going out to eat. To stay in and watch TV on the couch, cuddled up together, or go out at times to catch a movie or a play. Someone to take long strolls along the beach at night time, walking hand in hand. Sitting together gazing up at the moon & the stars or watching fireworks together, wrapped up in each others warm embrace. Someone to kiss at midnight on New Years Eve. Someone I am proud to be with around my friends & of course my family. One with a wild & adventurous side, but knows when to be calm & show his manners in public. Who has the charm & respect of a southern gentleman, the chivalry of a knight in shining armor, the passion in everything he does & the romance to be shown to only one special person. To give a compliment as well as he receives them.
These are some of the spectacular qualities I'd like to find in a soul mate. I know it is a long wish-list and may not get everything I want, but a guy can dream can't he. Heck, two out of three ain't bad. I know he is out there somewhere, waiting for me just as I have been waiting for him. We deserve to be happy & shouldn't settle for anything less than amazing. As one, no body's perfect, but together we could be pretty dang close.
To my readers & blog-followers out there, if you happen upon this person, please be sure to send him my way & tell him I've been waiting for him.
I have been asked allot here lately, why am I still single. I don't know the answer to that question, other than the fact that I waited so late in life to really start looking for him. I have dreamed and prayed about him for most of my life, timing is everything though, and everything happens for a reason. Am I meant to be single for the rest of my life? I don't think so, I believe there is someone for everyone. And my someone could be the next person I pass on the street tomorrow, who knows. I just haven't met him yet!!!!
These are just some of my greater & more complicated qualities that I possess. I am looking for the person who can balance out the other half of me, someone who compliments my weakest features & doesn't complicate my strongest assets. One who will smother me with love and attention, but knows his boundaries & realizes when we need our own personal space & time to ourselves. I need respect, honesty, trust, loyalty & love which will be given as greatly if not more in return.
I am looking for someone to inspire me to be a better person. To encourage each other in new experiences. Someone who wants to travel and see new places and have new adventures together. To get me to try eating new food dishes that I have never tried before, as I find my tastes are changing. Someone to workout with and motivate me to be a healthier human being in mind, body & soul. The person who says I Love You just for no apparent reason needed, at any given moment of the day. One to say goodnight to & wake up beside each and every morning. Someone who enjoys giving back massages & foot rubs whenever asked, as well as receiving them. To have romantic nights with candle-lit dinners, for no special occasion except to be having them with that person. I'd like to have someone to cook for or with, but who still enjoys going out to eat. To stay in and watch TV on the couch, cuddled up together, or go out at times to catch a movie or a play. Someone to take long strolls along the beach at night time, walking hand in hand. Sitting together gazing up at the moon & the stars or watching fireworks together, wrapped up in each others warm embrace. Someone to kiss at midnight on New Years Eve. Someone I am proud to be with around my friends & of course my family. One with a wild & adventurous side, but knows when to be calm & show his manners in public. Who has the charm & respect of a southern gentleman, the chivalry of a knight in shining armor, the passion in everything he does & the romance to be shown to only one special person. To give a compliment as well as he receives them.
These are some of the spectacular qualities I'd like to find in a soul mate. I know it is a long wish-list and may not get everything I want, but a guy can dream can't he. Heck, two out of three ain't bad. I know he is out there somewhere, waiting for me just as I have been waiting for him. We deserve to be happy & shouldn't settle for anything less than amazing. As one, no body's perfect, but together we could be pretty dang close.
To my readers & blog-followers out there, if you happen upon this person, please be sure to send him my way & tell him I've been waiting for him.
I have been asked allot here lately, why am I still single. I don't know the answer to that question, other than the fact that I waited so late in life to really start looking for him. I have dreamed and prayed about him for most of my life, timing is everything though, and everything happens for a reason. Am I meant to be single for the rest of my life? I don't think so, I believe there is someone for everyone. And my someone could be the next person I pass on the street tomorrow, who knows. I just haven't met him yet!!!!
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Nightmares on Main Street
Was it really all just a dream, a fantasy of mine that I thought had come true which quickly turned into a nightmare, the torture & shocking cruelness of reality setting in that I just might be single for the rest of my life. What I thought was the perfect guy, turned out to be... just a figment of my vivid imagination, yet again. He does not exist.
Let's count shall we... 4 guys in 4 months time, that has got to be some kind of a sick demented record, at least in my book it is. It all started around the first of May, when I met the first guy of this story (all names & identities will not be disclosed for privacy reasons). Only due to the fact that I met him only twice and since I have no memory of what happened at the end of our second meeting, I will not go into that story on here nor will I ever speak of it again (so don't ask)! So, I turned to my online friends who I have met thru a mutual website... where the 2nd guy I met comes into play. He was a real piece of work, this one, it was a total roller-coaster ride with him. He had me totally brain-washed, had me believing all kinds of bullshit that he handed me. We skyped almost everyday for exactly 2 months, we had so much in common, or at least I thought so & was led to believe it was so. He was the first one to say "I Love You" to me, although I took much longer. He had understood what had happened with the first guy mentioned earlier, and could relate completely to everything that I had told him. He had comforted me, consoled & confided in me with his own sob stories, which were relatively close to my own. He even brought up the subject of marriage, saying he would buy me a ring, take me to New York & get married, then move down here from Virginia to live with me & would even pay off my mortgage completely for me. Sounded good to me... at the time, I mean I couldn't have done better if I had tried. Then we finally decided to meet on the 4th of July, it was a 4 hour drive to Richmond, Va where he lived with his "ex" (should've tipped me off right away, but I looked past that towards the bigger picture). The entire drive up, he kept texting me about how excited he was to see me & that he couldn't wait to spend the rest of our lives together. As soon as I pulled in the driveway and got out of my car to go and meet the man of my dreams, he became very distant & was acting as if he didn't even want to be near me, let alone be touched by me. He was so stand-offish, that I was only there for a total of 2 hours, before I asked him what was wrong, to which he replied... "I just don't feel the vibe, like I did when we were video-chatting online."!!! I quickly bolted out of there, with a very quick statement of 'nice to meet ya, I'm outta here' and started the 4 hour drive back home to be with my family and dear friends, just in time to catch the fireworks display that night. He was into playing games, I am not into those kind of games, he had me like a puppet on a string, pulling every trick in the book, thinking I was gonna be a way out from his own depressing life. Uugghhh!!!
So, once again, I turned to my online friends for comfort & support. This is where guy #3 comes into the story, we had been talking off and on for months before the first two guys ever came into play. So guy #3, knew the whole story, about everything I had just been through & was saying all the right words to make me feel better. At this point, I haven't had any thoughts about sex, hook-ups, one-night stands, absolutely nothing to do with another man that even brought up the thoughts of sex. He totally agreed & was in mutual agreement that it would be just 2 friends hanging out, taking things as slow as possible, and not to act on any feelings until I was ready. I wasn't completely attracted to him at first, but he was very gentle & we did alot of simple cuddling and just hanging out, getting to know one another better. Then a few days later, I became very sick, was even out of work for almost an entire week. That was when I found out from a mutual friend who lived a block away from this guy, that they had had sex with one another, while I was at home sick as a dog in the bed. I was furious, at both men, how could they betray me like that, considering both of these men knew everything that I had been through over the past couple months. Every detail of every piece of torture I had experienced, I had confided with these two particular people, and they both stabbed me in the back!!!
I was done, decided it was time to take a seriously long break from all men at that time. I fell into a deep depression, couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, didn't want to talk to anyone, didn't even want to get out of bed or from out of in front of the television. Men were like a poison to me, but I missed talking to my friends so much, that one month to the day later, after getting my heart broken for the 3rd time in a row... I decided it was time to at least try finding some true friends to start hanging out with, just some people that I could trust to help me get out of the house & to help me start living my life again. It was only on the second day, after I had created a new profile, and had described to the letter my every intent of only looking for friends, NO HOOKUPS!! NO SEX!!!, only serious people wanting to chat, that's when I met guy #4. He was perfect, or so I thought, yet once again I was mistaken. It was the weekend before he was to have started his last year of nursing school, that we decided to go and meet, just to talk & hangout. I thought, how perfect could this be, he was a full-time student, working full-time on the weekends, knowing he wouldn't have that much time for me anyways. But we continued to text like crazy, having so many things in common, saying how much he was into me as much as I was into him. Saying things like, "why haven't you texted me more today" or that "I'm into you more than you are into me". Boy, was I in for a rude awakening?!?!?! After a late night texting session on Friday night, even after the conversations we had over dinner at my place on Wednesday night.... I knew it wouldn't be much longer, something bad was gonna happen. I've gotten these same bad feelings with each and every one of the guys I have met. He had told me he was gonna get his cell number changed, due to an "ex" that had just recently started bothering him again. I had told him, jokingly, that he would end up not giving me his new number. Sure enough, I haven't heard from him since Friday night & the text messages I've sent to his old number are saying "Sent" but "Not Delivered".
Turns out, I am not even that tore up over this last guy. A friend even told me that it is a good possibility, that he was already in a relationship, considering he never gave me his address, so I couldn't come to visit him. He would only text or call back when it was convenient for him & that he could only come to my place to see me.
C'est la vie = that's life... live and learn, then move on. Life is too short & too precious to have regrets, live for the moment & make each moment count. Because you only get one chance to get it right the first time. According to the gay community, I have only just begun. But frankly speaking, I am fed up & don't wanna try anymore, if I am gonna keep going at this rate! I still keep the faith that HE is out there SOMEWHERE, and that the true love I am searching for does exist, so I continue on my journey to find it. But once again, I ask...
Let's count shall we... 4 guys in 4 months time, that has got to be some kind of a sick demented record, at least in my book it is. It all started around the first of May, when I met the first guy of this story (all names & identities will not be disclosed for privacy reasons). Only due to the fact that I met him only twice and since I have no memory of what happened at the end of our second meeting, I will not go into that story on here nor will I ever speak of it again (so don't ask)! So, I turned to my online friends who I have met thru a mutual website... where the 2nd guy I met comes into play. He was a real piece of work, this one, it was a total roller-coaster ride with him. He had me totally brain-washed, had me believing all kinds of bullshit that he handed me. We skyped almost everyday for exactly 2 months, we had so much in common, or at least I thought so & was led to believe it was so. He was the first one to say "I Love You" to me, although I took much longer. He had understood what had happened with the first guy mentioned earlier, and could relate completely to everything that I had told him. He had comforted me, consoled & confided in me with his own sob stories, which were relatively close to my own. He even brought up the subject of marriage, saying he would buy me a ring, take me to New York & get married, then move down here from Virginia to live with me & would even pay off my mortgage completely for me. Sounded good to me... at the time, I mean I couldn't have done better if I had tried. Then we finally decided to meet on the 4th of July, it was a 4 hour drive to Richmond, Va where he lived with his "ex" (should've tipped me off right away, but I looked past that towards the bigger picture). The entire drive up, he kept texting me about how excited he was to see me & that he couldn't wait to spend the rest of our lives together. As soon as I pulled in the driveway and got out of my car to go and meet the man of my dreams, he became very distant & was acting as if he didn't even want to be near me, let alone be touched by me. He was so stand-offish, that I was only there for a total of 2 hours, before I asked him what was wrong, to which he replied... "I just don't feel the vibe, like I did when we were video-chatting online."!!! I quickly bolted out of there, with a very quick statement of 'nice to meet ya, I'm outta here' and started the 4 hour drive back home to be with my family and dear friends, just in time to catch the fireworks display that night. He was into playing games, I am not into those kind of games, he had me like a puppet on a string, pulling every trick in the book, thinking I was gonna be a way out from his own depressing life. Uugghhh!!!
So, once again, I turned to my online friends for comfort & support. This is where guy #3 comes into the story, we had been talking off and on for months before the first two guys ever came into play. So guy #3, knew the whole story, about everything I had just been through & was saying all the right words to make me feel better. At this point, I haven't had any thoughts about sex, hook-ups, one-night stands, absolutely nothing to do with another man that even brought up the thoughts of sex. He totally agreed & was in mutual agreement that it would be just 2 friends hanging out, taking things as slow as possible, and not to act on any feelings until I was ready. I wasn't completely attracted to him at first, but he was very gentle & we did alot of simple cuddling and just hanging out, getting to know one another better. Then a few days later, I became very sick, was even out of work for almost an entire week. That was when I found out from a mutual friend who lived a block away from this guy, that they had had sex with one another, while I was at home sick as a dog in the bed. I was furious, at both men, how could they betray me like that, considering both of these men knew everything that I had been through over the past couple months. Every detail of every piece of torture I had experienced, I had confided with these two particular people, and they both stabbed me in the back!!!
I was done, decided it was time to take a seriously long break from all men at that time. I fell into a deep depression, couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, didn't want to talk to anyone, didn't even want to get out of bed or from out of in front of the television. Men were like a poison to me, but I missed talking to my friends so much, that one month to the day later, after getting my heart broken for the 3rd time in a row... I decided it was time to at least try finding some true friends to start hanging out with, just some people that I could trust to help me get out of the house & to help me start living my life again. It was only on the second day, after I had created a new profile, and had described to the letter my every intent of only looking for friends, NO HOOKUPS!! NO SEX!!!, only serious people wanting to chat, that's when I met guy #4. He was perfect, or so I thought, yet once again I was mistaken. It was the weekend before he was to have started his last year of nursing school, that we decided to go and meet, just to talk & hangout. I thought, how perfect could this be, he was a full-time student, working full-time on the weekends, knowing he wouldn't have that much time for me anyways. But we continued to text like crazy, having so many things in common, saying how much he was into me as much as I was into him. Saying things like, "why haven't you texted me more today" or that "I'm into you more than you are into me". Boy, was I in for a rude awakening?!?!?! After a late night texting session on Friday night, even after the conversations we had over dinner at my place on Wednesday night.... I knew it wouldn't be much longer, something bad was gonna happen. I've gotten these same bad feelings with each and every one of the guys I have met. He had told me he was gonna get his cell number changed, due to an "ex" that had just recently started bothering him again. I had told him, jokingly, that he would end up not giving me his new number. Sure enough, I haven't heard from him since Friday night & the text messages I've sent to his old number are saying "Sent" but "Not Delivered".
Turns out, I am not even that tore up over this last guy. A friend even told me that it is a good possibility, that he was already in a relationship, considering he never gave me his address, so I couldn't come to visit him. He would only text or call back when it was convenient for him & that he could only come to my place to see me.
C'est la vie = that's life... live and learn, then move on. Life is too short & too precious to have regrets, live for the moment & make each moment count. Because you only get one chance to get it right the first time. According to the gay community, I have only just begun. But frankly speaking, I am fed up & don't wanna try anymore, if I am gonna keep going at this rate! I still keep the faith that HE is out there SOMEWHERE, and that the true love I am searching for does exist, so I continue on my journey to find it. But once again, I ask...
How do I get There from Here?
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Only time will tell...
I have always been the laid-back, reserved, calm one in my family. But no one will ever know how much I am screaming to the top of my lungs on the inside. Someone told me yesterday that I need therapy, not that that's a bad thing, they said... but that I have some unresolved issues pent up deep inside of me. They also said that I tend to over-analyze things & think way too much about the situations at hand on a daily basis. If you know me at all, you know that this is very true.
I am a worrier, I worry about everyone & everything around me. Always wondering in the back of my mind if I have said or done too much or simply not enough. I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve, allowing most people to get the better of me, when I least expect it. I become very vulnerable in tense situations, letting others over-power me. Perhaps I am a bit naive or just gullible when it comes to certain things, but I am finding that the older I get, the more of a Don't Give a Crap attitude that I am developing, helps to put things in a better perspective. It is just in my nature to care for everyone around me. I don't like confrontations and I don't like to fight. Usually I shut down in those situations, close up & keep quiet. I will keep it bottled up inside me til I can't take no more and end up exploding - taking it out on some undeserving person or thing. I think I get that from my father & his red-headed temper!!
As the years go slowly by, I have really started coming out of my shell more. I use to be very very shy, almost to the point that I would hardly ever look anyone in the eye and didn't want to even go out in public restaurants, unless I could sit in the back of the room, with my back up against the wall. I'm not quite sure why I did this, but I do know that that person doesn't exist anymore! I didn't even like to be touched back in those days.... even though I yearned for it so. To be hugged, touched, caressed, comforted... it just didn't happen. I would cringe at the thoughts of it & usually pull away at first sight of someone trying to reach out towards me. One of my oldest & dearest friends now, use to work together at a small department store, and she had the habit of coming up behind me while I was working & run her cold hands up the back of my shirt, scratching her nails down my back. I would usually break out in hysterical laughter at this, since I am very ticklish. But that somehow got me use to people touching me in a way. I guess I finally got use to the idea that some people are very touchy-feely. I too now, am one of those people. I love to be hugged, to show someone else that you care, that you have feelings, that you need to be touched.... if only to recognize that you do exist in the world and are only human. It is a very warm & comforting thing. Although, not everyone is into that sort of thing = showing their emotions!!! I hid mine very well for many years, til I just couldn't hide them no more. I'm just a big ol' teddy bear ;~}
I may have some unresolved issues that I have kept hidden for a long time, perhaps I do need therapy?!?! There are some things that I wonder if I have blocked from my memory, in order to protect myself & others. If it is meant to be discovered, God will show me the way, as he has done through out my entire life. He will bring you to it & he will bring you through it.
Until next time, my fellow readers, keep your head lifted, your mind sharp & your heart strong.
I am a worrier, I worry about everyone & everything around me. Always wondering in the back of my mind if I have said or done too much or simply not enough. I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve, allowing most people to get the better of me, when I least expect it. I become very vulnerable in tense situations, letting others over-power me. Perhaps I am a bit naive or just gullible when it comes to certain things, but I am finding that the older I get, the more of a Don't Give a Crap attitude that I am developing, helps to put things in a better perspective. It is just in my nature to care for everyone around me. I don't like confrontations and I don't like to fight. Usually I shut down in those situations, close up & keep quiet. I will keep it bottled up inside me til I can't take no more and end up exploding - taking it out on some undeserving person or thing. I think I get that from my father & his red-headed temper!!
As the years go slowly by, I have really started coming out of my shell more. I use to be very very shy, almost to the point that I would hardly ever look anyone in the eye and didn't want to even go out in public restaurants, unless I could sit in the back of the room, with my back up against the wall. I'm not quite sure why I did this, but I do know that that person doesn't exist anymore! I didn't even like to be touched back in those days.... even though I yearned for it so. To be hugged, touched, caressed, comforted... it just didn't happen. I would cringe at the thoughts of it & usually pull away at first sight of someone trying to reach out towards me. One of my oldest & dearest friends now, use to work together at a small department store, and she had the habit of coming up behind me while I was working & run her cold hands up the back of my shirt, scratching her nails down my back. I would usually break out in hysterical laughter at this, since I am very ticklish. But that somehow got me use to people touching me in a way. I guess I finally got use to the idea that some people are very touchy-feely. I too now, am one of those people. I love to be hugged, to show someone else that you care, that you have feelings, that you need to be touched.... if only to recognize that you do exist in the world and are only human. It is a very warm & comforting thing. Although, not everyone is into that sort of thing = showing their emotions!!! I hid mine very well for many years, til I just couldn't hide them no more. I'm just a big ol' teddy bear ;~}
I may have some unresolved issues that I have kept hidden for a long time, perhaps I do need therapy?!?! There are some things that I wonder if I have blocked from my memory, in order to protect myself & others. If it is meant to be discovered, God will show me the way, as he has done through out my entire life. He will bring you to it & he will bring you through it.
Until next time, my fellow readers, keep your head lifted, your mind sharp & your heart strong.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Worth waiting for...
Sitting here thinking about you, knowing you are juggling so much with school, work & life in general. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, funny I never knew how much that was true til I met you. I spend most of my nights watching YouTube videos of love songs: http://youtu.be/Xs9X8NhQJF4 & http://youtu.be/sIjkVn_ro0g , just to name a few of the good ones. Looking at your picture every free second I can, gazing at that gorgeous mug of yours & staring into the deepest green eyes I have ever seen before. You say that you are focused on school & work right now, to get them out of the way, as this is your last year of taking classes. I am biting my nails in anticipation, waiting for a text or a call, whenever you can find the time to communicate with me in your busy schedule. I get a feeling of pride & become overjoyed when you do finally have a spare moment of the day to text me back, the biggest grin comes across my face each and every time & my eyes just light up.
*Sigh* I just received a text from you asking why I hadn't texted you more today... just made my heart melt, knowing that you wanted to hear from me, although I didn't want to interrupt your first day back to class. It will be a true test of our faith & patience, to make it through these next few days & weeks, to figure out some sort of routine between us. Knowing that it will all be well worth the wait in the end. The matter of getting to spend time with you, will be it's own reward.
Words cannot describe the pride and amount of respect I have for you and everything that you stand for and are working so hard to achieve in your life right now. If I can play a small part in this accomplishment, as one of your biggest supporters, would be a great honor. I know that you have put in many hours of work and 'sweat' to have come so far. You deserve the best out of what life has to offer you, your future looks so bright, I need my sunglasses to even look at you.
I have waited my whole life for someone like you to come along. Dreamed of you many times before now, just couldn't see the face clearly until the other night. It was well worth waiting for.
*Sigh* I just received a text from you asking why I hadn't texted you more today... just made my heart melt, knowing that you wanted to hear from me, although I didn't want to interrupt your first day back to class. It will be a true test of our faith & patience, to make it through these next few days & weeks, to figure out some sort of routine between us. Knowing that it will all be well worth the wait in the end. The matter of getting to spend time with you, will be it's own reward.
Words cannot describe the pride and amount of respect I have for you and everything that you stand for and are working so hard to achieve in your life right now. If I can play a small part in this accomplishment, as one of your biggest supporters, would be a great honor. I know that you have put in many hours of work and 'sweat' to have come so far. You deserve the best out of what life has to offer you, your future looks so bright, I need my sunglasses to even look at you.
I have waited my whole life for someone like you to come along. Dreamed of you many times before now, just couldn't see the face clearly until the other night. It was well worth waiting for.
Monday, August 22, 2011
The time of my life...
Just as I was starting to give up all hope, thinking I may never find that special person. I have always been told, that when you least expect it, love will find it's way into your heart.
You go through life, hoping and anticipating the arrival of that day to come. It's a learning process, as you go along life's journey, figuring out what it is you want out of life & love. What it is that makes you the most happiest, what your ideal mate will be like. Who that person is, how they act, how they look, how they treat you & how they respect and treat other people. It is this person, that you can see spending the rest of your life with. They make you very happy, so much in fact, that they are the only person that you can even think of, from the moment that you first wake up to the last thought before you drift off to dream. You find yourself daydreaming about the future, what it would be like to have them in your life, in your bed, by your side, in your heart & in your soul. You get a funny feeling in the pit of your stomach, every time you think about them, wondering if they are thinking about you too, if they are having these same feelings.
In this day and time of modern technology, texting is the greatest invention in the world. It allows you to send little messages back and forth to one another. Getting the biggest smile on my face, everytime I receive one from them. We have only just met a few short days ago, and in this short amount of time, I have learned so much about this person. So many things in common, the same likes & dislikes about the ideas of a good relationship. Relating to one another's life-styles & the way that they were raised with good old-fashioned values. The fact that they are into you as much as you are into them. It is a great feeling.
Although, it was just a breif weekend rendezvous, I learned so much in such a short amount of time about this person. Learning & studying the features of their face, their mannerisms, the way that they smile, the way that they laugh, their amazing eyes staring back into yours & studying your every move as well, the way that they carry themselves. It is mesmerizing, to see them sitting so close to you, involved in every moment spent alone together. Making every precious second count. Testing the waters, the anticipation of that first contact, touching their skin, feeling a spark. As he grabs your hand, interlocking each others fingers, and your first reaction is what an amazing fit it is with yours. After the awkward nervousness has subsided, and you feel completely comfortable in their presence. You find yourself talking as if you had known each other your whole lives. Sharing your most intimate deepest desires and fantasies. All the while, you are driving around in their vehicle, in a somewhat strange city, a mid-way meeting place between the two of your respective homes. Getting lost in the moment, driving for hours, taking turns down back country roads, unsure of where you are headed, he just drives along - mentioning I don't know exactly where we are headed, but wouldnt mind getting lost with you, talking non-stop about the similarities you share. Making a connection, getting familiar with this person, not a care in the world. Then he decides it is best to start heading back to the meeting spot where my car is. We sit for another couple hours, just taking in these last few moments of our first date. Knowing that the end of the night is growing ever so close now, wondering, hoping it will end with a goodnight kiss. You are sitting just inches apart from one another in a confined space, gazing into one anothers eyes, feeling your heart racing, palms sweating, mouth-watering, moments of vulnerability, you both lean in at the same time & your lips lock. Tasting that sweet success of a great ending to what you hope will be just the first of many more nights to come. It wasn't just one single kiss, it was a full on makeout session. The mutual enjoyment of each other's company leads to the agreement & anticipation of meeting again the very next night for a second date. It was amazing, fireworks & orchestras, everything you had hope for and more.
This is only the beginning, and the future looks damn good. To be continued...
You go through life, hoping and anticipating the arrival of that day to come. It's a learning process, as you go along life's journey, figuring out what it is you want out of life & love. What it is that makes you the most happiest, what your ideal mate will be like. Who that person is, how they act, how they look, how they treat you & how they respect and treat other people. It is this person, that you can see spending the rest of your life with. They make you very happy, so much in fact, that they are the only person that you can even think of, from the moment that you first wake up to the last thought before you drift off to dream. You find yourself daydreaming about the future, what it would be like to have them in your life, in your bed, by your side, in your heart & in your soul. You get a funny feeling in the pit of your stomach, every time you think about them, wondering if they are thinking about you too, if they are having these same feelings.
In this day and time of modern technology, texting is the greatest invention in the world. It allows you to send little messages back and forth to one another. Getting the biggest smile on my face, everytime I receive one from them. We have only just met a few short days ago, and in this short amount of time, I have learned so much about this person. So many things in common, the same likes & dislikes about the ideas of a good relationship. Relating to one another's life-styles & the way that they were raised with good old-fashioned values. The fact that they are into you as much as you are into them. It is a great feeling.
Although, it was just a breif weekend rendezvous, I learned so much in such a short amount of time about this person. Learning & studying the features of their face, their mannerisms, the way that they smile, the way that they laugh, their amazing eyes staring back into yours & studying your every move as well, the way that they carry themselves. It is mesmerizing, to see them sitting so close to you, involved in every moment spent alone together. Making every precious second count. Testing the waters, the anticipation of that first contact, touching their skin, feeling a spark. As he grabs your hand, interlocking each others fingers, and your first reaction is what an amazing fit it is with yours. After the awkward nervousness has subsided, and you feel completely comfortable in their presence. You find yourself talking as if you had known each other your whole lives. Sharing your most intimate deepest desires and fantasies. All the while, you are driving around in their vehicle, in a somewhat strange city, a mid-way meeting place between the two of your respective homes. Getting lost in the moment, driving for hours, taking turns down back country roads, unsure of where you are headed, he just drives along - mentioning I don't know exactly where we are headed, but wouldnt mind getting lost with you, talking non-stop about the similarities you share. Making a connection, getting familiar with this person, not a care in the world. Then he decides it is best to start heading back to the meeting spot where my car is. We sit for another couple hours, just taking in these last few moments of our first date. Knowing that the end of the night is growing ever so close now, wondering, hoping it will end with a goodnight kiss. You are sitting just inches apart from one another in a confined space, gazing into one anothers eyes, feeling your heart racing, palms sweating, mouth-watering, moments of vulnerability, you both lean in at the same time & your lips lock. Tasting that sweet success of a great ending to what you hope will be just the first of many more nights to come. It wasn't just one single kiss, it was a full on makeout session. The mutual enjoyment of each other's company leads to the agreement & anticipation of meeting again the very next night for a second date. It was amazing, fireworks & orchestras, everything you had hope for and more.
This is only the beginning, and the future looks damn good. To be continued...
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Power outtage = Peace & Quiet
Had a good storm pass thru here last night, knocked the power out for 5 hours. Today comes the process of cleaning up all the debris & downed tree limbs that the wind whipped around.
I have always been a fan of the rain. It is a soothing moment, to just sit and watch everything getting drenched or lightly sprinkled with rain drops from the heavens above us. For the most part, it always reminds me of my childhood, being curled up on the couch all wrapped up in a blanket or sheet, just gazing out & getting lost in between the drops as they hit against the glass of the window. And if it was a bad enough storm to knock out the power, those were the best times.... no TV, no telephone, no noise cept for the rain pounding on the roof & the claps of thunder rolling through the dark sky, along with the flashes of lightening. Those were the things that made me realize most of all, that there is a power greater than myself that controls the world around us. But it was a time to rest & relax, to enjoy the peace & quiet, without any interruptions. Just the amazing display of mother nature at her finest... and what a show it was!
I have vivid memories of almost every rain storm that has occurred in my life, always trying to find different moments that I would store away in my brain for future reference. I can remember several that come to mind right now, from riding home from church one night... watching the sky fill up with numerous strikes of lightning filling the dark night sky as we were headed toward the storm cell in the distance. It was an awesome view of natures very own fireworks lighting up the darkness around us, with each bolt bringing the images from out of the pitch black shadows, it was almost like the sun had popped back in for half of a second so that you could see all that was around you. I loved it. And the rolling claps of thunder, you could hear it coming from out of the distance at times, like it was miles away. Other times, it was like God himself had clapped his own hands, as if to "wake the dead". We have all been told different stories while growing up about thunder, such as God was bowling, or God was moving furniture up in Heaven. Or my favorite story was when it was raining while the sun was shining was always said to be that the Devil was beating his wife, and those were her tears.
Some of my most favorite moments from growing up, was spent out in the rain. The best times I can remember, was while I was working the night shift & we all would meet up town after work in the shopping center parking lot. We would just hang out & chit chat about different things, such as what had happened that night at work that might have pissed us off, or deciding whether or not to go to the Waffle House to grab a bite to eat, or just hanging out and enjoying the cool night air & talking about each other's vehicles. We would sometimes all jump in one or two of the 'good ol' boys BIG pick-up trucks & go riding out thru the country or to some late night party held out in the old cornfields. One particular night, there was a big storm passing thru, so we all parked under the car wash bays up town, but there was so many of us hanging out, that we would go running between the bays & got drownded by the overflow of water pouring down off the rooftop gutters. We would start splashing & jumping in the puddles, dancing around like we didn't have a care in the world. The rain would be light at times & heavier at other times, so much that it felt like tiny bee stings all over your body when the rain was falling so hard. Then after the rain had passed, we would all pile into someones Jeep or in the back of someones truck bed & then go riding thru the huge puddles that the rain left in the Yadkin Plaza Shopping Center. The puddles soon became large waves, as those over-sized tires split them in half, driving straight thru them at top speeds (back when the parking lot wasn't patrolled by the cops like it is today, lol). We would then race down the highways, usually to some open mud pit to go 'mudding' & we would end up being covered from head to toe in that red Carolina clay. Yes sir, those were the good ol' days!
Nowadays, as I find myself getting older, the rain still brings me comfort as it did when I was a child. But now is the time, I long for someone to be cuddled up next to on the couch, to snuggle under that blanket with another warm body lying next to me. Sharing memories of the rain storms from our past. Hoping that person shares my joy & love of the rain so much. There are days that I pray for rain, to wash away all my sorrows & troubles, and remember the good times of my life. I still enjoy standing out in the rain from time to time, and once in a great while, whether someone is looking or not, you might see me dancing around in it, making another memory.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Unanswered questions
It all starts when you see that person across a crowded room, and your eyes meet. Almost doing a double-take, to make sure that they are looking back at you. Then the slightest hint of a smile spreads across both of your faces. It lasts for more than a few seconds, but feels like everything around you has stopped in time. And then you ask yourself... are they flirting with you, or just being polite? Is it just a part of their nature, just because they are a nice person and always wearing a smile for everyone that they see? Or is it something more than that? Could they really be flirting with you, are you flirting back at them? Do they find you at all attractive, did they see something that they liked about you? Is it your clothes, maybe the hat you wore that day that everyone tells you that you look great in, or is it just the way that you are standing there... being yourself?
You stand there, losing all sense of your surroundings. Focusing in on that one person, how they look, how they carry themselves, every movement they make, trying to take it all in for as long as you possibly can. You attempt to get closer to them, to reach out or maybe say something, hoping to hear them speak or to acknowledge that you exist if even in the smallest way. Then it happens, they open their mouth to speak and the words float through your head like a drug, making you intoxicated on their very existence. You stumble over your own words, becoming clumsy & giddy like a young school girl. Trying to keep some sense of dignity, you try to keep your composure, hoping that you don't make a complete fool of yourself. Did they notice that you were staring at them the whole time, almost to the point of drooling, although attempting to look as cool and confident as you can be in front of someone so incredibly good-looking? You feel the butterflies in the pit of your stomach, fluttering around & making you feel something that you haven't felt before. And yet you wonder, could there be a mutual attraction there, are they feeling the same thing that you are feeling right now? Could this be the start of something more?
You may never know the true answers to those questions, as reality starts sinking in. Suddenly noticing that there is a group of people standing all around you. That you are not alone, standing in the middle of a busy, crowded restaurant. The blood starts to rush back to your head, you almost get dizzy with thoughts of bolting out of there as fast as you can, hoping that no one noticed the whole encounter. You run back to your lonely world, wondering in the back of your mind, if by some weird twist of fate... that it really happened. That you weren't just day-dreaming again of 'the ONE'.
Yes, this really happened to me, very recently in fact. Who knows, if the story will be continued or not. I guess you will just have to tune in at a later time to see for yourselves. Til then, take care & hold onto your dreams, you never know when or where they might come true!
You stand there, losing all sense of your surroundings. Focusing in on that one person, how they look, how they carry themselves, every movement they make, trying to take it all in for as long as you possibly can. You attempt to get closer to them, to reach out or maybe say something, hoping to hear them speak or to acknowledge that you exist if even in the smallest way. Then it happens, they open their mouth to speak and the words float through your head like a drug, making you intoxicated on their very existence. You stumble over your own words, becoming clumsy & giddy like a young school girl. Trying to keep some sense of dignity, you try to keep your composure, hoping that you don't make a complete fool of yourself. Did they notice that you were staring at them the whole time, almost to the point of drooling, although attempting to look as cool and confident as you can be in front of someone so incredibly good-looking? You feel the butterflies in the pit of your stomach, fluttering around & making you feel something that you haven't felt before. And yet you wonder, could there be a mutual attraction there, are they feeling the same thing that you are feeling right now? Could this be the start of something more?
You may never know the true answers to those questions, as reality starts sinking in. Suddenly noticing that there is a group of people standing all around you. That you are not alone, standing in the middle of a busy, crowded restaurant. The blood starts to rush back to your head, you almost get dizzy with thoughts of bolting out of there as fast as you can, hoping that no one noticed the whole encounter. You run back to your lonely world, wondering in the back of your mind, if by some weird twist of fate... that it really happened. That you weren't just day-dreaming again of 'the ONE'.
Yes, this really happened to me, very recently in fact. Who knows, if the story will be continued or not. I guess you will just have to tune in at a later time to see for yourselves. Til then, take care & hold onto your dreams, you never know when or where they might come true!
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Had an awesome weekend!!
This past weekend couldn't have been any better, even if I had tried. Had the Dalton Relatives & Family Reunion on Saturday... and was surprised to find out that one of my relatives is seriously tracing our heritage all the way back to the Original Dalton Gang.(Best of luck to ya Lisa) It will be a while before all the materials come together for viewing, but will be fascinating to read I am sure! I love history, even though I failed US History my Sophomore year of high school (had to retake it in Summer School & passed, so...YAY ME), but mostly I love looking at old pictures and hearing the stories behind them all. Thankfully, one of my distant cousins on my mom's side of the family had created several discs of old photos completely set up with awesome background music. {KUDOS to Lindsey}
They brought back some great memories & some sad feelings for all of the loved ones that we have lost over the years. We are a close-knit supportive family, a large & very LOUD family, although we don't get to see each other but once a year, if that often, we know how to have fun every time that we gather. I was also pleased to see the 'other' set of twins in the family were able to show up this year, I hadn't seen them since they were like 6 years old & now they are in their 20's.
This year we made the decision that this would be the last year that we would be having a home-cooked dinner together, that next year instead, the suggestion had been made to just do hamburgers & hot dogs for everyone, so that no one had to worry about hauling all those dishes from so far away. Everyone agreed that was a good idea, as well as to keep it here in the Yadkinville area, instead of moving it back to the Asheboro or Randleman areas! They all said that they only came for one reason anyways.... that was for our side of the families DESSERTS (i.e.- the cakes)!!! I told y'all they were the best in the world, nobody can beat our cakes, each one made with love... at least mine always are, he he!
As with any family get-together, there are always a few who are unable to attend due to conflicting schedules with work or whatever else is going on in their busy lives. But at least we enjoyed our times together, missed the ones who didn't show up & will hopefully see them all again next year.
I just loved hearing my mother, while standing in the buffet line, ask the young guy in front of her, "Who's husband are you or who's son are you??" Only to find out that he was a friend of one of her cousin's kids. Mom had seemed to have taken on the tradition of ring-leader of the group now, being the oldest daughter and all, she practically raised all her siblings as if they were her own children anyways. Becoming the mother hen, if you will, to rally the troops for 'We're gonna say the Blessing before we eat now' prayer was made. While I was in the kitchen, doing some last-minute food prep for the late arrival of my aunt (who always has to make her 'entrance'), I still knew when I heard the silence coming from the great hall... that it was my time to bow my head & listen along in silence for that ever-so-famous line to be said at the end.... after 'AMEN', ..."Let's EAT!!!". Of course, my sister-in-law & myself were at the end of that long line to get to the food. But it was all well worth the wait to get our turn at those tasty viddles. And as always, we saw the other side of the family make a straight bee-line towards the desserts table to get first dibs at our famous cakes, before they even sat down to start eating the actual cooked food. Ya gotta love family and their crazy quirks, wouldn't trade 'em for nothing in the world.
After the stuffing of the faces, there was that ever-so familiar congregating at each table with other relatives to remember all the past reunions & to speak of lost loved ones. To just sit back and relax after over filling our tummies to the points of bursting at the seams, literally. Then came the clean-up and the saying good-byes & fond farewells to everyone, as each person had to make the long journey back to their own homes. It was a good day & I believe fun times were had by all.
Sunday afternoon brought my family together for a family portrait, the first one in over 10 or 11 years. They will be ready for pick-up on this Friday (my birthday). Can't wait to see how they turned out... my parents told the photographer that me, my brother and his wife, were all their children. In which my sister-in-law pointed out later, that that would make her married to her own brother then. We all got a good chuckle out of that one, while we enjoyed our traditional Sunday dinner together at the local steak house/ buffet restaurant. Then I went back to my brother's house to watch two movies that they had rented for the night. Now I am sitting here, just a few minutes shy of midnight, finishing up this post... happy & proud to have had such an exciting weekend surrounded by the people that mean more to me than anything else.... MY FAMILY.
They brought back some great memories & some sad feelings for all of the loved ones that we have lost over the years. We are a close-knit supportive family, a large & very LOUD family, although we don't get to see each other but once a year, if that often, we know how to have fun every time that we gather. I was also pleased to see the 'other' set of twins in the family were able to show up this year, I hadn't seen them since they were like 6 years old & now they are in their 20's.
This year we made the decision that this would be the last year that we would be having a home-cooked dinner together, that next year instead, the suggestion had been made to just do hamburgers & hot dogs for everyone, so that no one had to worry about hauling all those dishes from so far away. Everyone agreed that was a good idea, as well as to keep it here in the Yadkinville area, instead of moving it back to the Asheboro or Randleman areas! They all said that they only came for one reason anyways.... that was for our side of the families DESSERTS (i.e.- the cakes)!!! I told y'all they were the best in the world, nobody can beat our cakes, each one made with love... at least mine always are, he he!
As with any family get-together, there are always a few who are unable to attend due to conflicting schedules with work or whatever else is going on in their busy lives. But at least we enjoyed our times together, missed the ones who didn't show up & will hopefully see them all again next year.
I just loved hearing my mother, while standing in the buffet line, ask the young guy in front of her, "Who's husband are you or who's son are you??" Only to find out that he was a friend of one of her cousin's kids. Mom had seemed to have taken on the tradition of ring-leader of the group now, being the oldest daughter and all, she practically raised all her siblings as if they were her own children anyways. Becoming the mother hen, if you will, to rally the troops for 'We're gonna say the Blessing before we eat now' prayer was made. While I was in the kitchen, doing some last-minute food prep for the late arrival of my aunt (who always has to make her 'entrance'), I still knew when I heard the silence coming from the great hall... that it was my time to bow my head & listen along in silence for that ever-so-famous line to be said at the end.... after 'AMEN', ..."Let's EAT!!!". Of course, my sister-in-law & myself were at the end of that long line to get to the food. But it was all well worth the wait to get our turn at those tasty viddles. And as always, we saw the other side of the family make a straight bee-line towards the desserts table to get first dibs at our famous cakes, before they even sat down to start eating the actual cooked food. Ya gotta love family and their crazy quirks, wouldn't trade 'em for nothing in the world.
After the stuffing of the faces, there was that ever-so familiar congregating at each table with other relatives to remember all the past reunions & to speak of lost loved ones. To just sit back and relax after over filling our tummies to the points of bursting at the seams, literally. Then came the clean-up and the saying good-byes & fond farewells to everyone, as each person had to make the long journey back to their own homes. It was a good day & I believe fun times were had by all.
Sunday afternoon brought my family together for a family portrait, the first one in over 10 or 11 years. They will be ready for pick-up on this Friday (my birthday). Can't wait to see how they turned out... my parents told the photographer that me, my brother and his wife, were all their children. In which my sister-in-law pointed out later, that that would make her married to her own brother then. We all got a good chuckle out of that one, while we enjoyed our traditional Sunday dinner together at the local steak house/ buffet restaurant. Then I went back to my brother's house to watch two movies that they had rented for the night. Now I am sitting here, just a few minutes shy of midnight, finishing up this post... happy & proud to have had such an exciting weekend surrounded by the people that mean more to me than anything else.... MY FAMILY.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
A letter to myself...
No regrets. Sure, I've done some things in my life that I'm not happy with, everyone's done or had at least one thing to happen in their lives that they weren't happy about, but there isn't one of those things that I would change if I could. No one said life was easy, there's no user's guide or help desk. Things happen, some we don't want to happen, but we have to learn somehow. Learn from your mistakes, that is how you got to where you are today & has made you who you are. Don't let them define you, but let them be an extension of what you can do to overcome them.
There are no easy answers, no simple way out of life. You just have to work with what God has dealt you and make the best of it. God will give you no more than he knows that you can handle. Life is what you make of it, it is precious and it is short... so make it count.
We only get one shot at it. There are no second chances. That is why they call it life, singular. So, if you are not happy with the way things are going in yours, make a change, do something about it. Go after your dreams, your hopes & aspirations. Set goals that you know you can accomplish. Sure, it might be a struggle in the beginning, as are most new things. But it will all be worth it in the end result, if you want it bad enough. Fight for what you want and for what you believe in. Put passion into everything that you do, and be sure that it shows when other people take notice. If it is good, they will see it. If it is great, they will praise you for it. And if it is amazing, they will tell others. You can become as infamous or as popular as you want to become. You have a voice, use it, be heard. Your opinion matters, so make it, but choose wisely. In order to take a leap of faith, you first must take that first step in the right direction.
Try to be the best person that you can be. If others are sad, try to make them smile. If others are crying, try to console them. If others are hurt, nurture them. If others are lost, help them. Think positive and positive things will happen. Think negative and negative things will happen. So try to always think positively. Life is whatever you make it out to be, take a chance and make it the best one you've got. This is your journey, choose the right paths and you will always get to where you are wanting to go. You can achieve anything, if you just believe and have faith.
And most importantly, love and you shall be loved!
Love always,
Me
There are no easy answers, no simple way out of life. You just have to work with what God has dealt you and make the best of it. God will give you no more than he knows that you can handle. Life is what you make of it, it is precious and it is short... so make it count.
We only get one shot at it. There are no second chances. That is why they call it life, singular. So, if you are not happy with the way things are going in yours, make a change, do something about it. Go after your dreams, your hopes & aspirations. Set goals that you know you can accomplish. Sure, it might be a struggle in the beginning, as are most new things. But it will all be worth it in the end result, if you want it bad enough. Fight for what you want and for what you believe in. Put passion into everything that you do, and be sure that it shows when other people take notice. If it is good, they will see it. If it is great, they will praise you for it. And if it is amazing, they will tell others. You can become as infamous or as popular as you want to become. You have a voice, use it, be heard. Your opinion matters, so make it, but choose wisely. In order to take a leap of faith, you first must take that first step in the right direction.
Try to be the best person that you can be. If others are sad, try to make them smile. If others are crying, try to console them. If others are hurt, nurture them. If others are lost, help them. Think positive and positive things will happen. Think negative and negative things will happen. So try to always think positively. Life is whatever you make it out to be, take a chance and make it the best one you've got. This is your journey, choose the right paths and you will always get to where you are wanting to go. You can achieve anything, if you just believe and have faith.
And most importantly, love and you shall be loved!
Love always,
Me
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Can anybody find me somebody to love?
I can spend hours upon hours in front of my computer screen, searching through today's technology right at my finger tips, looking at millions of pictures & profiles of single people right in my area and around me... Yet, still after 18+ years of looking for that special someone, I am still single and alone.
Perhaps it was due to the fact that I wasn't trying hard enough or maybe trying too hard. They say that love will find it's way into your heart, when you least expect it. I've taken breaks between the meaningless relationships that I've had with other people. But it was always me who took the first initiative to start up the conversation or to ask someone out, yep, me the quiet & shy one. Who'da thunk it, right?!?! But this was only after years & years of sneaking around and living the dangerous life, having hook-ups and one-night stands with anonymous strangers. Does it sound like I'm beating around the bush here a little, straying a bit from the truth of the real story??
OK, so... here it goes.... I'm gay. Been living that lie for far too long now, was trying to hide it from the true people who I loved most of all, my family. But I was starting to feel ashamed of the sneaking around and having to make up excuses for not ever being around or for such a strange behavior on my part. It was like living a double-life, I had an alter-ego and a personality that no one in the world knew about, or at least I thought they didn't. Some now say that they kinda had an idea, most didn't really seem too surprised about it. I mean, who wouldn't think that of a 36-year old single male, a confirmed bachelor. But growing up, I kinda always knew in the back of my mind, but also struggled with it for most of my young adult life. Growing up in a small town, where everyone knows everyone, and there wasn't much to go on as far as research or information about what or how I should act. Except for television, thank goodness for cable, and then the Internet came along. But look where that has gotten me, still single & all alone.
Watching movies & television growing up, I was a sucker for the romantic movies. Just like all the fairy tale dreams that every young little girl grows up with, so did this awkward young boy growing up in a small redneck town. But also while being in such a redneck, homo-phobic society of such a small town, there was nothing around to identify myself with, except for the characters I saw in movies and television. So, I guess you could say I tried to act as masculine as I could just to fit in. But it didn't really help matters, it only confused me more than ever. What was I to say, how was I supposed to talk, to walk a certain way or to act in a certain manner that no one would think twice about. It was tough, but I am who I am, and I am happy with who I am now and who I have become.
The only thing that is holding me back now, is having someone to share the rest of my life with. I want the fairy-tale story book ending, the romantic movie scenario, riding off into the sunset, living happily ever after. I am a sucker for romance & for passion, call me a little old-fashioned, but I want what my parents had & what so many other people have had. I want to go on a date, several dates in fact, to be able to go out & feel comfortable with someone in public. Not to be ashamed of showing public displays of affection. I want to be able to hold someones hand, to give them a hug or a simple kiss, without people gawking at us or disapproving of that kind of behavior. What is so wrong with two people who care for one another that much, to give each other a hug or a kiss in public or wherever it may be? As long as we aren't being rude or disgusting about it, there shouldn't be a problem with it. I mean come on people, this is the 21st century here, wake up & realize that the world is changing around you every minute, every second, every day.
I guess what I am trying to get at here is what exactly I am looking for... and that is somebody to love. Doesn't everyone deserve to love and be loved? I have spent most of my life taking care of the people around me, making sure they were happy and loved, but now as I get older, I think it's time that I start taking care of myself & find a little happiness of my own. I want to not come home to an empty house everyday, I want someone to be there to talk to and share stories about our days with. Someone who will be there no matter what, good or bad, rich or poor, in sickness or in health... to be there for each other. I want to hold someone in my arms & to be held in their arms as well, to look into their eyes and know that they are the reason that I continue to live & breathe and to strive to be a better person, in body and soul. A soul mate, who I am meant to be with & love that person til the day I die. The ONE.
Passion, that is something that you don't hear much of anymore these days. I want it, I need it, I gotta have it. To be in a crowd of people, you look across the room at them, your eyes meet & you focus on them and no one else seems to even exist around you. You can give them that certain look, and they just know, without words or even the slightest hint or gesture, that they are your world & they mean everything to you. Their love is the only love you want & need & the only love that matters in the world. Two people, coming together, two heartbeats beating as one, with more love for that one person than for any other living person or thing. Only God could love that person more than you do. That is true, passionate love.
I want that kind of passion & romance, to have my last FIRST kiss with the LAST person I will spend the rest of my life with. And I pray about it every day and every night, that God will send them to me. Because I do believe timing is everything & that everything happens for a reason. The people we meet everyday, we meet for a reason, and the things that have happened to us, good or bad, only makes us stronger & prepares us for the future and for whatever God has in store for us. So, I may not have met my soul mate yet, but I have no regrets for the things I have done in my life. I consider it a journey, building up to the greatest love story that has yet to be written. This journey continues, the book hasn't been finished yet, but someday I will have my happily-ever-after. Just gotta keep dreaming & Baby... I dream big!
***Side note: To all of my family or friends who might be reading this, who are shocked or upset or disgusted with the things that you have read, I am sorry that you feel that way. I would hope that you could find it in your hearts to accept me for who I am, because I haven't changed & don't intend to change for no one. Love me for me or you never really loved me at all. Just remember, this was not a decision or a choice to be like this, it is the way I was born and it is not contagious like some sort of disease, you can't catch it if I sneeze or cough on you. I just wanted to let everyone know that I am tired of hiding & keeping secrets from the people that I love the most, MY FAMILY & MY FRIENDS.
Perhaps it was due to the fact that I wasn't trying hard enough or maybe trying too hard. They say that love will find it's way into your heart, when you least expect it. I've taken breaks between the meaningless relationships that I've had with other people. But it was always me who took the first initiative to start up the conversation or to ask someone out, yep, me the quiet & shy one. Who'da thunk it, right?!?! But this was only after years & years of sneaking around and living the dangerous life, having hook-ups and one-night stands with anonymous strangers. Does it sound like I'm beating around the bush here a little, straying a bit from the truth of the real story??
OK, so... here it goes.... I'm gay. Been living that lie for far too long now, was trying to hide it from the true people who I loved most of all, my family. But I was starting to feel ashamed of the sneaking around and having to make up excuses for not ever being around or for such a strange behavior on my part. It was like living a double-life, I had an alter-ego and a personality that no one in the world knew about, or at least I thought they didn't. Some now say that they kinda had an idea, most didn't really seem too surprised about it. I mean, who wouldn't think that of a 36-year old single male, a confirmed bachelor. But growing up, I kinda always knew in the back of my mind, but also struggled with it for most of my young adult life. Growing up in a small town, where everyone knows everyone, and there wasn't much to go on as far as research or information about what or how I should act. Except for television, thank goodness for cable, and then the Internet came along. But look where that has gotten me, still single & all alone.
Watching movies & television growing up, I was a sucker for the romantic movies. Just like all the fairy tale dreams that every young little girl grows up with, so did this awkward young boy growing up in a small redneck town. But also while being in such a redneck, homo-phobic society of such a small town, there was nothing around to identify myself with, except for the characters I saw in movies and television. So, I guess you could say I tried to act as masculine as I could just to fit in. But it didn't really help matters, it only confused me more than ever. What was I to say, how was I supposed to talk, to walk a certain way or to act in a certain manner that no one would think twice about. It was tough, but I am who I am, and I am happy with who I am now and who I have become.
The only thing that is holding me back now, is having someone to share the rest of my life with. I want the fairy-tale story book ending, the romantic movie scenario, riding off into the sunset, living happily ever after. I am a sucker for romance & for passion, call me a little old-fashioned, but I want what my parents had & what so many other people have had. I want to go on a date, several dates in fact, to be able to go out & feel comfortable with someone in public. Not to be ashamed of showing public displays of affection. I want to be able to hold someones hand, to give them a hug or a simple kiss, without people gawking at us or disapproving of that kind of behavior. What is so wrong with two people who care for one another that much, to give each other a hug or a kiss in public or wherever it may be? As long as we aren't being rude or disgusting about it, there shouldn't be a problem with it. I mean come on people, this is the 21st century here, wake up & realize that the world is changing around you every minute, every second, every day.
I guess what I am trying to get at here is what exactly I am looking for... and that is somebody to love. Doesn't everyone deserve to love and be loved? I have spent most of my life taking care of the people around me, making sure they were happy and loved, but now as I get older, I think it's time that I start taking care of myself & find a little happiness of my own. I want to not come home to an empty house everyday, I want someone to be there to talk to and share stories about our days with. Someone who will be there no matter what, good or bad, rich or poor, in sickness or in health... to be there for each other. I want to hold someone in my arms & to be held in their arms as well, to look into their eyes and know that they are the reason that I continue to live & breathe and to strive to be a better person, in body and soul. A soul mate, who I am meant to be with & love that person til the day I die. The ONE.
Passion, that is something that you don't hear much of anymore these days. I want it, I need it, I gotta have it. To be in a crowd of people, you look across the room at them, your eyes meet & you focus on them and no one else seems to even exist around you. You can give them that certain look, and they just know, without words or even the slightest hint or gesture, that they are your world & they mean everything to you. Their love is the only love you want & need & the only love that matters in the world. Two people, coming together, two heartbeats beating as one, with more love for that one person than for any other living person or thing. Only God could love that person more than you do. That is true, passionate love.
I want that kind of passion & romance, to have my last FIRST kiss with the LAST person I will spend the rest of my life with. And I pray about it every day and every night, that God will send them to me. Because I do believe timing is everything & that everything happens for a reason. The people we meet everyday, we meet for a reason, and the things that have happened to us, good or bad, only makes us stronger & prepares us for the future and for whatever God has in store for us. So, I may not have met my soul mate yet, but I have no regrets for the things I have done in my life. I consider it a journey, building up to the greatest love story that has yet to be written. This journey continues, the book hasn't been finished yet, but someday I will have my happily-ever-after. Just gotta keep dreaming & Baby... I dream big!
***Side note: To all of my family or friends who might be reading this, who are shocked or upset or disgusted with the things that you have read, I am sorry that you feel that way. I would hope that you could find it in your hearts to accept me for who I am, because I haven't changed & don't intend to change for no one. Love me for me or you never really loved me at all. Just remember, this was not a decision or a choice to be like this, it is the way I was born and it is not contagious like some sort of disease, you can't catch it if I sneeze or cough on you. I just wanted to let everyone know that I am tired of hiding & keeping secrets from the people that I love the most, MY FAMILY & MY FRIENDS.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Mama's home cooking
Yes, I might have been a momma's boy, but who wouldn't be with a mom like mine! She has taught me so much over the years, I owe so much to her for teaching & preparing me for whatever life had to offer me.
I can remember early on, being with her wherever she went, usually wrapped around her legs (mostly hiding my shy self from others). But most of the time spent together with her was spent in the kitchen. Ain't it funny, how if you have a party at your house or if guests or family or friends show up, you almost always end up in the kitchen!?!?! That's just how it was in our family, from both of my grandmothers to all of my aunts & uncles. The tradition has been handed down from generation to generation, the skills that those women had & taught to each one of their children & even to some of their grand-children can not be taught in any cooking class!!
My dad's mother, being from the mountains, had breakfast cooked and on the table every morning by the time everyone else had gotten up. And even though I did not live with her, we visited often, and there would always be left overs wrapped up and either sitting in the warming-section of the oven or wrapped in foil sitting on the table... usually waiting for me. She would almost always have extra leftovers, especially if she knew I was coming, he he. She called me her "fat baby" or her "fat little butterball" (another reason my nickname growing up was "Turkey"), because I was the youngest grand-child on my father's side of the family and also the fattest one in the crowd. This woman used to keep 5-gallon cans of LARD under her cabinets. And used it religiously, in her made from scratch Buttermilk biscuits, that no restaurant could even come close in comparison to. She only used Neese's Sausage, farm-fresh eggs that were delivered to her on a weekly basis, the water she drank came from a well at my aunt's house who lived out in the country, she drank her coffee in a cup & saucer - always filled to the top, so she could overspill some into her saucer, that was how she sipped it while taking her medicine each morning. This was her everyday ritual, that I enjoyed so much to watch her do while I would stay with them. She worked in her kitchen like a well-oiled machine, never asking for help, but would obviously appreciate the company if you asked to just sit and watch in amazement the artistry of this fabulous cook in motion. Sometimes it looked like she was feeding an army, every burner on her stove was full of pots overflowing with the most amazing mouth-watering aromas that you have ever experienced. Cracker-Barrel didn't have nothing on her! I miss those meals so much, I would still be as big as a house if I could eat that food of hers everyday, and I would too. Love & miss you Grandma Ragan!!!!!!!!!
My mom's mother, being from the country & a mother to 9 kids, seemed more like the mother to any and all that would come around, she was used to cooking for an army. I think her motto was, we'll keep you up all night before we would let you go to bed hungry! Sure, there might have been several sleepless nights when they were all growing up, times were hard back in those days for everyone (and still are to this day as well). But they survived, the best they knew how at the time. Between two grandmothers who knew who to cook, no wonder I was as big as I was. I also learned at any early age, that I should always try to eat everything on my plate, because there were kids out in the world who weren't as fortunate to have anything to eat. To this day, it is very rarely, that I don't clean my plate at every meal. It is very rarely though, that I do sit down at a table at every meal. Living by myself, even when I lived with my parents, we almost never sat around a table for meals, unless we went out to eat somewhere to a restaurant or at someone elses house. It was customary to sit in front of the television with your food, and became a tradition that we still do today. Although, I do have a dining room table in my house, it is merely for looks (to fill the space or to catch all the mail & clutter that I throw on it), but what I wouldn't give to be sitting there now, surrounded by both grandmothers, who have passed on now, and to have their best dishes in front of me while I enjoyed their fine cooking skills ... (shoveling it in as fast as I could & asking for 2nd or 3rd helpings if any were left). YUMM :)
Our family reunion is coming up in little over a week now, traditionally held on my great-grandmothers & mines birthdays (August 12th & 15th). There will be some of the relatives of the some of the best cooks I have ever known, and I can't wait to dig in to all those delicious casseroles & more desserts than any bakery around. It is not as big or as celebratory as they used to be, now that most of the older relatives have gone on, but it is still a good gang of people & food that one has to just see to believe. If you would like to attend, contact me & I can give you all the details (when & where & what to bring, lol).
I can remember early on, being with her wherever she went, usually wrapped around her legs (mostly hiding my shy self from others). But most of the time spent together with her was spent in the kitchen. Ain't it funny, how if you have a party at your house or if guests or family or friends show up, you almost always end up in the kitchen!?!?! That's just how it was in our family, from both of my grandmothers to all of my aunts & uncles. The tradition has been handed down from generation to generation, the skills that those women had & taught to each one of their children & even to some of their grand-children can not be taught in any cooking class!!
My dad's mother, being from the mountains, had breakfast cooked and on the table every morning by the time everyone else had gotten up. And even though I did not live with her, we visited often, and there would always be left overs wrapped up and either sitting in the warming-section of the oven or wrapped in foil sitting on the table... usually waiting for me. She would almost always have extra leftovers, especially if she knew I was coming, he he. She called me her "fat baby" or her "fat little butterball" (another reason my nickname growing up was "Turkey"), because I was the youngest grand-child on my father's side of the family and also the fattest one in the crowd. This woman used to keep 5-gallon cans of LARD under her cabinets. And used it religiously, in her made from scratch Buttermilk biscuits, that no restaurant could even come close in comparison to. She only used Neese's Sausage, farm-fresh eggs that were delivered to her on a weekly basis, the water she drank came from a well at my aunt's house who lived out in the country, she drank her coffee in a cup & saucer - always filled to the top, so she could overspill some into her saucer, that was how she sipped it while taking her medicine each morning. This was her everyday ritual, that I enjoyed so much to watch her do while I would stay with them. She worked in her kitchen like a well-oiled machine, never asking for help, but would obviously appreciate the company if you asked to just sit and watch in amazement the artistry of this fabulous cook in motion. Sometimes it looked like she was feeding an army, every burner on her stove was full of pots overflowing with the most amazing mouth-watering aromas that you have ever experienced. Cracker-Barrel didn't have nothing on her! I miss those meals so much, I would still be as big as a house if I could eat that food of hers everyday, and I would too. Love & miss you Grandma Ragan!!!!!!!!!
My mom's mother, being from the country & a mother to 9 kids, seemed more like the mother to any and all that would come around, she was used to cooking for an army. I think her motto was, we'll keep you up all night before we would let you go to bed hungry! Sure, there might have been several sleepless nights when they were all growing up, times were hard back in those days for everyone (and still are to this day as well). But they survived, the best they knew how at the time. Between two grandmothers who knew who to cook, no wonder I was as big as I was. I also learned at any early age, that I should always try to eat everything on my plate, because there were kids out in the world who weren't as fortunate to have anything to eat. To this day, it is very rarely, that I don't clean my plate at every meal. It is very rarely though, that I do sit down at a table at every meal. Living by myself, even when I lived with my parents, we almost never sat around a table for meals, unless we went out to eat somewhere to a restaurant or at someone elses house. It was customary to sit in front of the television with your food, and became a tradition that we still do today. Although, I do have a dining room table in my house, it is merely for looks (to fill the space or to catch all the mail & clutter that I throw on it), but what I wouldn't give to be sitting there now, surrounded by both grandmothers, who have passed on now, and to have their best dishes in front of me while I enjoyed their fine cooking skills ... (shoveling it in as fast as I could & asking for 2nd or 3rd helpings if any were left). YUMM :)
Our family reunion is coming up in little over a week now, traditionally held on my great-grandmothers & mines birthdays (August 12th & 15th). There will be some of the relatives of the some of the best cooks I have ever known, and I can't wait to dig in to all those delicious casseroles & more desserts than any bakery around. It is not as big or as celebratory as they used to be, now that most of the older relatives have gone on, but it is still a good gang of people & food that one has to just see to believe. If you would like to attend, contact me & I can give you all the details (when & where & what to bring, lol).
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Find your voice
Let the words flow, the tension just melts away & all bad thoughts just disappear. That was my release, to be able to show how I felt or whatever it was that I was thinking about.
I've always been known as the "quiet one". The listener, instead of the talker, the one everyone tells their secrets to. You could usually find me lost somewhere in the background, blending into the furniture or the wall, oblivious to most... but secretly taking it all in, every word, every syllable, every gesture, every cuss word, secret & gossip that could be spread about whoever or whatever. Most would simply dismiss me or pretend I wasn't really listening - but even if I was, who would I tell? who would listen to me??
I would try to act like I fit in, hanging around the so-called "in crowds" or whatever cool group of friends that attempted to pay me any attention or even acknowledge that I existed. Too quiet to be heard by most, always being told to "speak up, we can't hear a word your saying", or being told to "shut up, you're opinion doesn't matter to us". Most of the time, just taking it all in, trying to race through the words and phrases in my head, sorting them out & trying to come up with a quick comeback or funny & witty compliment to whatever was just said. The words were right there on the tip of my tongue, about to be spoken, as I opened my mouth... um... BOOM, too late, the topic had already changed and they would have started talking about something completely different all together. So I usually just kept quiet, keeping to myself & minding my own business. I became a loner, keeping my voice down low enough to where if I said any word at all, it wouldn't really matter if it was heard or not. Keeping all those words and feelings locked deep inside for so long, I had to find a release or I was gonna just explode!!
So one sunny spring day, standing outside at the end of our neighborhood street, facing the tall trees that bordered the corn field that surrounded the back and side of our house...after noticing I was the only one around, not a soul in sight. All the neighborhood kids had gotten on their bikes and rode to another location, leaving me by myself to play all alone as usual. I screamed out towards the field, thinking maybe a few of them were out there where I couldn't see them. That's when the spring breeze ran through the tree tops and I heard an echo of what I had just shouted from the top of my lungs.... "HEY"... and again it answered back to me... "HEY". A grin ran from ear to ear, as I realized that was my own voice echoing throughout the neighborhood and into the empty corn field. So, I decided to do it some more, screaming out different words, just to see if it would be repeated again back to me. Screaming louder and louder each time, til the sounds vibrated thru my ears and inside my brain. I started to hold the words longer, until I realized that I was singing the words to some song that I don't even remember what it was now. But it dawned on me then and there that I could sing & it sounded pretty good, if I do say so myself. I went running out back behind the house to our garage, after an hour of hearing my echos outside ringing thru the breeze, I wanted to turn on my dads old shop radio and see if I could sing along with the songs that were playing. Dang, I was good, or at least I thought so. I started singing all the time, every waking moment of the day and into the nights. My mom says sometimes I would be singing in my sleep. Secretly, I would sing myself to sleep each night, til I was either continuing the song in my sleep over and over again or because I was such a night owl that I would just stay up all night long singing the same songs over and over again until I could memorize every word.
It wasn't til much later in life, that my mom informed me that even as a very young kid, that when we would go through the grocery store aisles, every product I saw on the shelves... I would point to them and start singing the jingles that went to it. I loved watching TV, and most commercials always had some catchy little jingle for their products. I loved it, they were short & easy to remember. Slowly I started listening to songs on the radio and recording them on our old tape recorder... then I would play them back over and over again til I could write down all the words to the song. I was hooked, I had sheets upon sheets of lyrics to songs I had heard & fell in love with over the years, not to mention a large collection of cassette tapes with those same songs on them.
It was nearing the end of my sophomore year in high school, that as I was walking across the courtyard between classes that Ms. Libby Brown, the music teacher, saw me walking towards her & stopped me in my tracks. She kinda bent downward, turning her head & looked upwards directly into my eyes and asked me, "Why have you not signed up for the mixed ensemble/concert choir yet? I remember you from elementary school, you're Eric, right? I remember you had such a beautiful voice. I've been waiting on you for two years now. I had better see you in there next year."
I didn't know what else to say but "OK", with a smile from ear to ear. Surprised and happy to see that someone had heard my voice and REMEMBERED IT!!! Even though, I had already signed up for all my required classes for my upcoming junior year, we still had a week left to make any necessary changes in our schedules. I had to make a very necessary change! It was the best thing I ever did and enjoyed every minute of it. Although, it was not the norm for a junior to join the Beginning Mixed Ensemble with other Freshmen, Ms. Brown made an exception for me and one other Junior student (Clay Taylor). She told us that we had to at least have the beginning mixed under our belts in order to join the Concert Choir in our Senior Year. Those last two years of high school was the best years of my life. I gained more confidence, started talking more, I had finally found my voice!
I've always been known as the "quiet one". The listener, instead of the talker, the one everyone tells their secrets to. You could usually find me lost somewhere in the background, blending into the furniture or the wall, oblivious to most... but secretly taking it all in, every word, every syllable, every gesture, every cuss word, secret & gossip that could be spread about whoever or whatever. Most would simply dismiss me or pretend I wasn't really listening - but even if I was, who would I tell? who would listen to me??
I would try to act like I fit in, hanging around the so-called "in crowds" or whatever cool group of friends that attempted to pay me any attention or even acknowledge that I existed. Too quiet to be heard by most, always being told to "speak up, we can't hear a word your saying", or being told to "shut up, you're opinion doesn't matter to us". Most of the time, just taking it all in, trying to race through the words and phrases in my head, sorting them out & trying to come up with a quick comeback or funny & witty compliment to whatever was just said. The words were right there on the tip of my tongue, about to be spoken, as I opened my mouth... um... BOOM, too late, the topic had already changed and they would have started talking about something completely different all together. So I usually just kept quiet, keeping to myself & minding my own business. I became a loner, keeping my voice down low enough to where if I said any word at all, it wouldn't really matter if it was heard or not. Keeping all those words and feelings locked deep inside for so long, I had to find a release or I was gonna just explode!!
So one sunny spring day, standing outside at the end of our neighborhood street, facing the tall trees that bordered the corn field that surrounded the back and side of our house...after noticing I was the only one around, not a soul in sight. All the neighborhood kids had gotten on their bikes and rode to another location, leaving me by myself to play all alone as usual. I screamed out towards the field, thinking maybe a few of them were out there where I couldn't see them. That's when the spring breeze ran through the tree tops and I heard an echo of what I had just shouted from the top of my lungs.... "HEY"... and again it answered back to me... "HEY". A grin ran from ear to ear, as I realized that was my own voice echoing throughout the neighborhood and into the empty corn field. So, I decided to do it some more, screaming out different words, just to see if it would be repeated again back to me. Screaming louder and louder each time, til the sounds vibrated thru my ears and inside my brain. I started to hold the words longer, until I realized that I was singing the words to some song that I don't even remember what it was now. But it dawned on me then and there that I could sing & it sounded pretty good, if I do say so myself. I went running out back behind the house to our garage, after an hour of hearing my echos outside ringing thru the breeze, I wanted to turn on my dads old shop radio and see if I could sing along with the songs that were playing. Dang, I was good, or at least I thought so. I started singing all the time, every waking moment of the day and into the nights. My mom says sometimes I would be singing in my sleep. Secretly, I would sing myself to sleep each night, til I was either continuing the song in my sleep over and over again or because I was such a night owl that I would just stay up all night long singing the same songs over and over again until I could memorize every word.
It wasn't til much later in life, that my mom informed me that even as a very young kid, that when we would go through the grocery store aisles, every product I saw on the shelves... I would point to them and start singing the jingles that went to it. I loved watching TV, and most commercials always had some catchy little jingle for their products. I loved it, they were short & easy to remember. Slowly I started listening to songs on the radio and recording them on our old tape recorder... then I would play them back over and over again til I could write down all the words to the song. I was hooked, I had sheets upon sheets of lyrics to songs I had heard & fell in love with over the years, not to mention a large collection of cassette tapes with those same songs on them.
It was nearing the end of my sophomore year in high school, that as I was walking across the courtyard between classes that Ms. Libby Brown, the music teacher, saw me walking towards her & stopped me in my tracks. She kinda bent downward, turning her head & looked upwards directly into my eyes and asked me, "Why have you not signed up for the mixed ensemble/concert choir yet? I remember you from elementary school, you're Eric, right? I remember you had such a beautiful voice. I've been waiting on you for two years now. I had better see you in there next year."
I didn't know what else to say but "OK", with a smile from ear to ear. Surprised and happy to see that someone had heard my voice and REMEMBERED IT!!! Even though, I had already signed up for all my required classes for my upcoming junior year, we still had a week left to make any necessary changes in our schedules. I had to make a very necessary change! It was the best thing I ever did and enjoyed every minute of it. Although, it was not the norm for a junior to join the Beginning Mixed Ensemble with other Freshmen, Ms. Brown made an exception for me and one other Junior student (Clay Taylor). She told us that we had to at least have the beginning mixed under our belts in order to join the Concert Choir in our Senior Year. Those last two years of high school was the best years of my life. I gained more confidence, started talking more, I had finally found my voice!
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
The journey begins...
I remember growing up out in the country, just me , my brother and my 2 parents. Living in Advance, NC, down a long gravel road, next to a cow pasture and two chicken houses. That is a smell every city kid should have to experience and remember for the rest of their lives. I can still remember to this day, the time that we were moving away from there to come to the small town of Yadkinville. It was me and a few of my cousins riding on the back of my dad's truck, my mom and aunt were driving up front, while us kids were sitting on the back tailgate riding down the road (back when it was ok to do that sort of thing). And this huge spotted hog came barreling down the gravel road behind us & all us kids were trying to get it to chase after us. That is all I can remember of that memory. I have trouble remembering most of my early childhood, so I tend to rely mostly on other people's memories & recollections of it. The middle parts of my childhood into adulthood, I've tried to forget most of it & just tried blocking out all the bad stuff at least. But some things a person just can't forget or shouldn't.
Story has it that I was a puny little kid, a runt if you will. The doctors ran all kinds of tests on me, missdiagnosing that I would never reach the height of 5 feet or grow to weigh over 100 pounds if even that much. Even the pastor who helped to build our house & the houses in our neighborhood told them that I was too small to go to school, as they had to pick me up to put me on the bus, because I was too short to reach the first step. I was even supposed to be like the boy in the bubble, was allergic to everything that I came into contact with, they even told my mom to wrap my mattress & pillows in special plastic sheets and covers. So I kinda knew I was different from even an early age.
So began the long journey into my school days, bullied because I didn't seem to fit in. Shy, awkward, picked on for having a thick head full of hair & long eye lashes, everyone assumed that I was a cute little girl. Even mistaken me as my brother's little sister. Thanks goodness when puberty set in & boy did it ever!!! Hair growing in places where there probably shouldn't be hair & falling out of places where it DID belong. It was around the age of 14, shortly after starting high school, when I had noticed that my hair was falling out of my head in large patches, just running my fingers thru my full main of hair & would come out in clumps. It was shortly after graduation that I started shaving my head, fed up with the whole thinning - receding pattern it was making. But like a wise man once said, God only made a few good heads, the rest he put hair on!!
It was also the start of my freshman year that I got my braces... are you ready for this? Three rows of teeth! That's right, 3 rows. Not complete rows, mind you, but fangs that were protruding in front of my regular row & baby teeth in the back that were simply pushed out of the way for new ones & just never fell out. It was a nightmare to me, one reason why you will never find a picture of me smiling with an open mouth before that time. But glad to report that after those gawd-awful things came off, I am proud to smile for anyone & everyone that wants to see them. Have been told it is my best feature, not bragging, just convinced, he he. By the way, my brother is still upset to this day that I was able to get them & he wasn't. His grill was not as messed up as mine though, but still a nice smile when you can get one out of him.
My brother, my tormentor, my Idol - the one person that I always looked up to & tried so hard to be just like him. Though to know us, we are as different as night & day, but so much alike in many ways. Just ask us if we are related, and we will both deny it, but kinda hard to do when we get told repeatedly how much we look just alike. But of course, I have always been the pretty one, make no doubt about it! Thick as thieves, would kill for one another if we had to. And have, just ask us about our sister buried under the pool in the back yard of our old house (inside joke, the pool doesn't exist... anymore). But alas, it took us a long time to get to where we are today, with alot of heartaches & headaches. A major pain in my ... head, literally. But those are stories for another time, just brotherly love & we will leave it at that. I want to be just like him though, when I grow up. *(how do i get there from here)
Anyways, that is enough for tonight.... still a long ways to go & many more stories where these came from. Trust ME!!
Story has it that I was a puny little kid, a runt if you will. The doctors ran all kinds of tests on me, missdiagnosing that I would never reach the height of 5 feet or grow to weigh over 100 pounds if even that much. Even the pastor who helped to build our house & the houses in our neighborhood told them that I was too small to go to school, as they had to pick me up to put me on the bus, because I was too short to reach the first step. I was even supposed to be like the boy in the bubble, was allergic to everything that I came into contact with, they even told my mom to wrap my mattress & pillows in special plastic sheets and covers. So I kinda knew I was different from even an early age.
So began the long journey into my school days, bullied because I didn't seem to fit in. Shy, awkward, picked on for having a thick head full of hair & long eye lashes, everyone assumed that I was a cute little girl. Even mistaken me as my brother's little sister. Thanks goodness when puberty set in & boy did it ever!!! Hair growing in places where there probably shouldn't be hair & falling out of places where it DID belong. It was around the age of 14, shortly after starting high school, when I had noticed that my hair was falling out of my head in large patches, just running my fingers thru my full main of hair & would come out in clumps. It was shortly after graduation that I started shaving my head, fed up with the whole thinning - receding pattern it was making. But like a wise man once said, God only made a few good heads, the rest he put hair on!!
It was also the start of my freshman year that I got my braces... are you ready for this? Three rows of teeth! That's right, 3 rows. Not complete rows, mind you, but fangs that were protruding in front of my regular row & baby teeth in the back that were simply pushed out of the way for new ones & just never fell out. It was a nightmare to me, one reason why you will never find a picture of me smiling with an open mouth before that time. But glad to report that after those gawd-awful things came off, I am proud to smile for anyone & everyone that wants to see them. Have been told it is my best feature, not bragging, just convinced, he he. By the way, my brother is still upset to this day that I was able to get them & he wasn't. His grill was not as messed up as mine though, but still a nice smile when you can get one out of him.
My brother, my tormentor, my Idol - the one person that I always looked up to & tried so hard to be just like him. Though to know us, we are as different as night & day, but so much alike in many ways. Just ask us if we are related, and we will both deny it, but kinda hard to do when we get told repeatedly how much we look just alike. But of course, I have always been the pretty one, make no doubt about it! Thick as thieves, would kill for one another if we had to. And have, just ask us about our sister buried under the pool in the back yard of our old house (inside joke, the pool doesn't exist... anymore). But alas, it took us a long time to get to where we are today, with alot of heartaches & headaches. A major pain in my ... head, literally. But those are stories for another time, just brotherly love & we will leave it at that. I want to be just like him though, when I grow up. *(how do i get there from here)
Anyways, that is enough for tonight.... still a long ways to go & many more stories where these came from. Trust ME!!
Monday, July 25, 2011
Intro
A little intro into the world of "E-Rockers"... a 36 year old single male on the edge of my 37th birthday in just a few short weeks. I've always been a fan of writing my thoughts and ideas down, mom said I always preferred pen & papers over any toy you could ever give me. But as I grew older, I became a fan of typing... so much that I would rather be put on a medieval torture rack than have to write with a pen or pencil in my hand these days (mainly due to the agony of arthritis from years and years of working in a textile factory).
This will be a new adventure into discovering the true writer/ novelist hidden deep within me. As I put my thoughts, fantasies, dreams, torments & rants about everyday life into words, from growing up in a big family to living in a small town. Hopefully, the words will come easy to write as I have always been better at writing out what I think opposed to talking (super-shy). For years, I have been able to talk to anyone online in those little chat rooms, to even texting along with the best of them. But when it came to being out in a crowd & having to say more than 2 words... AGONY!! I could never think of the right words that I wanted to spit out of my mouth or barely put a declarative sentence together to fit into any conversation before the topic had been changed and the group had moved onto another discussion. It took me years before I could even sit in public at a restaurant, without the fear of everyone watching me while I sat there with my back to the wall, face downwards at my plate, eating. Knowing that they were all staring at my every move, paranoid that I had a spaghetti noodle stuck to my chin or ketchup stains on my shirt. There is a word for that kind of behavior... but that is all in the past.... BREAKING OUTTA MY SHELL HERE NOW!!
I hope that these entries will be helpful or inspiring to any and all my readers in some way or another. Because I have always believed deep in my heart that everything happens for a reason, every person we come in contact with on a daily basis happens for a reason... You never know who's life you are about to change, just giving them a smile, or by saying 'Hello' to someone, or by throwing your nose up in the air and walking past them as if they never existed. Because every life is important, every thing you do & every word you say is important, ya never know what it could do to someone else & could change their life forever. I hope that I can make the slightest difference & someday maybe even be remembered in the history books for something that I might have said or done. And who knows, it could come from this blog & might even answer my hypothetical question, "How do I get there from here?"
This will be a new adventure into discovering the true writer/ novelist hidden deep within me. As I put my thoughts, fantasies, dreams, torments & rants about everyday life into words, from growing up in a big family to living in a small town. Hopefully, the words will come easy to write as I have always been better at writing out what I think opposed to talking (super-shy). For years, I have been able to talk to anyone online in those little chat rooms, to even texting along with the best of them. But when it came to being out in a crowd & having to say more than 2 words... AGONY!! I could never think of the right words that I wanted to spit out of my mouth or barely put a declarative sentence together to fit into any conversation before the topic had been changed and the group had moved onto another discussion. It took me years before I could even sit in public at a restaurant, without the fear of everyone watching me while I sat there with my back to the wall, face downwards at my plate, eating. Knowing that they were all staring at my every move, paranoid that I had a spaghetti noodle stuck to my chin or ketchup stains on my shirt. There is a word for that kind of behavior... but that is all in the past.... BREAKING OUTTA MY SHELL HERE NOW!!
I hope that these entries will be helpful or inspiring to any and all my readers in some way or another. Because I have always believed deep in my heart that everything happens for a reason, every person we come in contact with on a daily basis happens for a reason... You never know who's life you are about to change, just giving them a smile, or by saying 'Hello' to someone, or by throwing your nose up in the air and walking past them as if they never existed. Because every life is important, every thing you do & every word you say is important, ya never know what it could do to someone else & could change their life forever. I hope that I can make the slightest difference & someday maybe even be remembered in the history books for something that I might have said or done. And who knows, it could come from this blog & might even answer my hypothetical question, "How do I get there from here?"
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