Can anybody find me somebody to love?

I can spend hours upon hours in front of my computer screen, searching through today's technology right at my finger tips, looking at millions of pictures & profiles of single people right in my area and around me...  Yet, still after 18+ years of looking for that special someone, I am still single and alone. 

Perhaps it was due to the fact that I wasn't trying hard enough or maybe trying too hard.  They say that love will find it's way into your heart, when you least expect it.  I've taken breaks between the meaningless relationships that I've had with other people.  But it was always me who took the first initiative to start up the conversation or to ask someone out, yep, me the quiet & shy one.  Who'da thunk it, right?!?!  But this was only after years & years of sneaking around and living the dangerous life, having hook-ups and one-night stands with anonymous strangers.  Does it sound like I'm beating around the bush here a little, straying a bit from the truth of the real story?? 

OK, so... here it goes....  I'm gay.  Been living that lie for far too long now, was trying to hide it from the true people who I loved most of all, my family.  But I was starting to feel ashamed of the sneaking around and having to make up excuses for not ever being around or for such a strange behavior on my part.  It was like living a double-life, I had an alter-ego and a personality that no one in the world knew about, or at least I thought they didn't.  Some now say that they kinda had an idea, most didn't really seem too surprised about it.  I mean, who wouldn't think that of a 36-year old single male, a confirmed bachelor.  But growing up, I kinda always knew in the back of my mind, but also struggled with it for most of my young adult life.  Growing up in a small town, where everyone knows everyone, and there wasn't much to go on as far as research or information about what or how I should act.  Except for television, thank goodness for cable, and then the Internet came along.  But look where that has gotten me, still single & all alone. 

Watching movies & television growing up, I was a sucker for the romantic movies.  Just like all the fairy tale dreams that every young little girl grows up with, so did this awkward young boy growing up in a small redneck town.  But also while being in such a redneck, homo-phobic society of such a small town, there was nothing around to identify myself with, except for the characters I saw in movies and television.  So, I guess you could say I tried to act as masculine as I could just to fit in.  But it didn't really help matters, it only confused me more than ever.  What was I to say, how was I supposed to talk, to walk a certain way or to act in a certain manner that no one would think twice about.  It was tough, but I am who I am, and I am happy with who I am now and who I have become.

The only thing that is holding me back now, is having someone to share the rest of my life with.  I want the fairy-tale story book ending, the romantic movie scenario, riding off into the sunset, living happily ever after.  I am a sucker for romance & for passion, call me a little old-fashioned, but I want what my parents had & what so many other people have had.  I want to go on a date, several dates in fact, to be able to go out & feel comfortable with someone in public.  Not to be ashamed of showing public displays of affection.  I want to be able to hold someones hand, to give them a hug or a simple kiss, without people gawking at us or disapproving of that kind of behavior.  What is so wrong with two people who care for one another that much, to give each other a hug or a kiss in public or wherever it may be?  As long as we aren't being rude or disgusting about it, there shouldn't be a problem with it.  I mean come on people, this is the 21st century here, wake up & realize that the world is changing around you every minute, every second, every day.

I guess what I am trying to get at here is what exactly I am looking for... and that is somebody to love.  Doesn't everyone deserve to love and be loved?  I have spent most of my life taking care of the people around me, making sure they were happy and loved, but now as I get older, I think it's time that I start taking care of myself & find a little happiness of my own.  I want to not come home to an empty house everyday, I want someone to be there to talk to and share stories about our days with.  Someone who will be there no matter what, good or bad, rich or poor, in sickness or in health... to be there for each other.  I want to hold someone in my arms & to be held in their arms as well, to look into their eyes and know that they are the reason that I continue to live & breathe and to strive to be a better person, in body and soul.  A soul mate, who I am meant to be with & love that person til the day I die.  The ONE. 

Passion, that is something that you don't hear much of anymore these days.  I want it, I need it, I gotta have it.  To be in a crowd of people, you look across the room at them, your eyes meet & you focus on them and no one else seems to even exist around you.  You can give them that certain look, and they just know, without words or even the slightest hint or gesture, that they are your world & they mean everything to you. Their love is the only love you want & need & the only love that matters in the world.  Two people, coming together, two heartbeats beating as one, with more love for that one person than for any other living person or thing.  Only God could love that person more than you do.  That is true, passionate love.

I want that kind of passion & romance, to have my last FIRST kiss with the LAST person I will spend the rest of my life with.  And I pray about it every day and every night, that God will send them to me.  Because I do believe timing is everything & that everything happens for a reason.  The people we meet everyday, we meet for a reason, and the things that have happened to us, good or bad, only makes us stronger & prepares us for the future and for whatever God has in store for us.  So, I may not have met my soul mate yet, but I have no regrets for the things I have done in my life.  I consider it a journey, building up to the greatest love story that has yet to be written.  This journey continues, the book hasn't been finished yet, but someday I will have my happily-ever-after.  Just gotta keep dreaming & Baby...  I dream big!

***Side note:  To all of my family or friends who might be reading this, who are shocked or upset or disgusted with the things that you have read, I am sorry that you feel that way.  I would hope that you could find it in your hearts to accept me for who I am, because I haven't changed & don't intend to change for no one.  Love me for me or you never really loved me at all.  Just remember, this was not a decision or a choice to be like this, it is the way I was born and it is not contagious like some sort of disease, you can't catch it if I sneeze or cough on you.  I just wanted to let everyone know that I am tired of hiding & keeping secrets from the people that I love the most, MY FAMILY & MY FRIENDS.