Let the words flow, the tension just melts away & all bad thoughts just disappear. That was my release, to be able to show how I felt or whatever it was that I was thinking about.
I've always been known as the "quiet one". The listener, instead of the talker, the one everyone tells their secrets to. You could usually find me lost somewhere in the background, blending into the furniture or the wall, oblivious to most... but secretly taking it all in, every word, every syllable, every gesture, every cuss word, secret & gossip that could be spread about whoever or whatever. Most would simply dismiss me or pretend I wasn't really listening - but even if I was, who would I tell? who would listen to me??
I would try to act like I fit in, hanging around the so-called "in crowds" or whatever cool group of friends that attempted to pay me any attention or even acknowledge that I existed. Too quiet to be heard by most, always being told to "speak up, we can't hear a word your saying", or being told to "shut up, you're opinion doesn't matter to us". Most of the time, just taking it all in, trying to race through the words and phrases in my head, sorting them out & trying to come up with a quick comeback or funny & witty compliment to whatever was just said. The words were right there on the tip of my tongue, about to be spoken, as I opened my mouth... um... BOOM, too late, the topic had already changed and they would have started talking about something completely different all together. So I usually just kept quiet, keeping to myself & minding my own business. I became a loner, keeping my voice down low enough to where if I said any word at all, it wouldn't really matter if it was heard or not. Keeping all those words and feelings locked deep inside for so long, I had to find a release or I was gonna just explode!!
So one sunny spring day, standing outside at the end of our neighborhood street, facing the tall trees that bordered the corn field that surrounded the back and side of our house...after noticing I was the only one around, not a soul in sight. All the neighborhood kids had gotten on their bikes and rode to another location, leaving me by myself to play all alone as usual. I screamed out towards the field, thinking maybe a few of them were out there where I couldn't see them. That's when the spring breeze ran through the tree tops and I heard an echo of what I had just shouted from the top of my lungs.... "HEY"... and again it answered back to me... "HEY". A grin ran from ear to ear, as I realized that was my own voice echoing throughout the neighborhood and into the empty corn field. So, I decided to do it some more, screaming out different words, just to see if it would be repeated again back to me. Screaming louder and louder each time, til the sounds vibrated thru my ears and inside my brain. I started to hold the words longer, until I realized that I was singing the words to some song that I don't even remember what it was now. But it dawned on me then and there that I could sing & it sounded pretty good, if I do say so myself. I went running out back behind the house to our garage, after an hour of hearing my echos outside ringing thru the breeze, I wanted to turn on my dads old shop radio and see if I could sing along with the songs that were playing. Dang, I was good, or at least I thought so. I started singing all the time, every waking moment of the day and into the nights. My mom says sometimes I would be singing in my sleep. Secretly, I would sing myself to sleep each night, til I was either continuing the song in my sleep over and over again or because I was such a night owl that I would just stay up all night long singing the same songs over and over again until I could memorize every word.
It wasn't til much later in life, that my mom informed me that even as a very young kid, that when we would go through the grocery store aisles, every product I saw on the shelves... I would point to them and start singing the jingles that went to it. I loved watching TV, and most commercials always had some catchy little jingle for their products. I loved it, they were short & easy to remember. Slowly I started listening to songs on the radio and recording them on our old tape recorder... then I would play them back over and over again til I could write down all the words to the song. I was hooked, I had sheets upon sheets of lyrics to songs I had heard & fell in love with over the years, not to mention a large collection of cassette tapes with those same songs on them.
It was nearing the end of my sophomore year in high school, that as I was walking across the courtyard between classes that Ms. Libby Brown, the music teacher, saw me walking towards her & stopped me in my tracks. She kinda bent downward, turning her head & looked upwards directly into my eyes and asked me, "Why have you not signed up for the mixed ensemble/concert choir yet? I remember you from elementary school, you're Eric, right? I remember you had such a beautiful voice. I've been waiting on you for two years now. I had better see you in there next year."
I didn't know what else to say but "OK", with a smile from ear to ear. Surprised and happy to see that someone had heard my voice and REMEMBERED IT!!! Even though, I had already signed up for all my required classes for my upcoming junior year, we still had a week left to make any necessary changes in our schedules. I had to make a very necessary change! It was the best thing I ever did and enjoyed every minute of it. Although, it was not the norm for a junior to join the Beginning Mixed Ensemble with other Freshmen, Ms. Brown made an exception for me and one other Junior student (Clay Taylor). She told us that we had to at least have the beginning mixed under our belts in order to join the Concert Choir in our Senior Year. Those last two years of high school was the best years of my life. I gained more confidence, started talking more, I had finally found my voice!
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