Nightmares on Main Street

Was it really all just a dream, a fantasy of mine that I thought had come true which quickly turned into a nightmare, the torture & shocking cruelness of reality setting in that I just might be single for the rest of my life.  What I thought was the perfect guy, turned out to be... just a figment of my vivid imagination, yet again.  He does not exist.

Let's count shall we... 4 guys in 4 months time, that has got to be some kind of a sick demented record, at least in my book it is.  It all started around the first of May, when I met the first guy of this story (all names & identities will not be disclosed for privacy reasons).  Only due to the fact that I met him only twice and since I have no memory of what happened at the end of our second meeting, I will not go into that story on here nor will I ever speak of it again (so don't ask)!  So, I turned to my online friends who I have met thru a mutual website... where the 2nd guy I met comes into play.  He was a real piece of work, this one, it was a total roller-coaster ride with him.  He had me totally brain-washed, had me believing all kinds of bullshit that he handed me.  We skyped almost everyday for exactly 2 months, we had so much in common, or at least I thought so & was led to believe it was so.  He was the first one to say "I Love You" to me, although I took much longer.  He had understood what had happened with the first guy mentioned earlier, and could relate completely to everything that I had told him.  He had comforted me, consoled & confided in me with his own sob stories, which were relatively close to my own.  He even brought up the subject of marriage, saying he would buy me a ring, take me to New York & get married, then move down here from Virginia to live with me & would even pay off my mortgage completely for me.  Sounded good to me... at the time, I mean I couldn't have done better if I had tried.  Then we finally decided to meet on the 4th of July, it was a 4 hour drive to Richmond, Va where he lived with his "ex" (should've tipped me off right away, but I looked past that towards the bigger picture).  The entire drive up, he kept texting me about how excited he was to see me & that he couldn't wait to spend the rest of our lives together.  As soon as I pulled in the driveway and got out of my car to go and meet the man of my dreams, he became very distant & was acting as if he didn't even want to be near me, let alone be touched by me.  He was so stand-offish, that I was only there for a total of 2 hours, before I asked him what was wrong, to which he replied... "I just don't feel the vibe, like I did when we were video-chatting online."!!!   I quickly bolted out of there, with a very quick statement of 'nice to meet ya, I'm outta here' and started the 4 hour drive back home to be with my family and dear friends, just in time to catch the fireworks display that night.  He was into playing games, I am not into those kind of games, he had me like a puppet on a string, pulling every trick in the book, thinking I was gonna be a way out from his own depressing life.  Uugghhh!!!

So, once again, I turned to my online friends for comfort & support.  This is where guy #3 comes into the story, we had been talking off and on for months before the first two guys ever came into play.  So guy #3, knew the whole story, about everything I had just been through & was saying all the right words to make me feel better.  At this point, I haven't had any thoughts about sex, hook-ups, one-night stands, absolutely nothing to do with another man that even brought up the thoughts of sex.  He totally agreed & was in mutual agreement that it would be just 2 friends hanging out, taking things as slow as possible, and not to act on any feelings until I was ready.  I wasn't completely attracted to him at first, but he was very gentle & we did alot of simple cuddling and just hanging out, getting to know one another better.  Then a few days later, I became very sick, was even out of work for almost an entire week.  That was when I found out from a mutual friend who lived a block away from this guy, that they had had sex with one another, while I was at home sick as a dog in the bed.  I was furious, at both men, how could they betray me like that, considering both of these men knew everything that I had been through over the past couple months.  Every detail of every piece of torture I had experienced, I had confided with these two particular people, and they both stabbed me in the back!!!

I was done, decided it was time to take a seriously long break from all men at that time.  I fell into a deep depression, couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, didn't want to talk to anyone, didn't even want to get out of bed or from out of in front of the television.  Men were like a poison to me, but I missed talking to my friends so much, that one month to the day later, after getting my heart broken for the 3rd time in a row... I decided it was time to at least try finding some true friends to start hanging out with, just some people that I could trust to help me get out of the house & to help me start living my life again.  It was only on the second day, after I had created a new profile, and had described to the letter my every intent of only looking for friends, NO HOOKUPS!! NO SEX!!!, only serious people wanting to chat, that's when I met guy #4.  He was perfect, or so I thought, yet once again I was mistaken.  It was the weekend before he was to have started his last year of nursing school, that we decided to go and meet, just to talk & hangout.  I thought, how perfect could this be, he was a full-time student, working full-time on the weekends, knowing he wouldn't have that much time for me anyways.  But we continued to text like crazy, having so many things in common, saying how much he was into me as much as I was into him.  Saying things like, "why haven't you texted me more today" or that "I'm into you more than you are into me".  Boy, was I in for a rude awakening?!?!?!   After a late night texting session on Friday night, even after the conversations we had over dinner at my place on Wednesday night.... I knew it wouldn't be much longer, something bad was gonna happen.  I've gotten these same bad feelings with each and every one of the guys I have met.  He had told me he was gonna get his cell number changed, due to an "ex" that had just recently started bothering him again.  I had told him, jokingly, that he would end up not giving me his new number.  Sure enough, I haven't heard from him since Friday night & the text messages I've sent to his old number are saying "Sent" but "Not Delivered". 

Turns out, I am not even that tore up over this last guy.  A friend even told me that it is a good possibility, that he was already in a relationship, considering he never gave me his address, so I couldn't come to visit him. He would only text or call back when it was convenient for him & that he could only come to my place to see me. 

C'est la vie = that's life... live and learn, then move on.  Life is too short & too precious to have regrets, live for the moment & make each moment count.  Because you only get one chance to get it right the first time.  According to the gay community, I have only just begun.  But frankly speaking, I am fed up & don't wanna try anymore, if I am gonna keep going at this rate!  I still keep the faith that HE is out there SOMEWHERE, and that the true love I am searching for does exist, so I continue on my journey to find it.  But once again, I ask...

How do I get There from Here?

Unanswered questions

It all starts when you see that person across a crowded room, and your eyes meet.  Almost doing a double-take, to make sure that they are looking back at you.  Then the slightest hint of a smile spreads across both of your faces.  It lasts for more than a few seconds, but feels like everything around you has stopped in time.  And then you ask yourself... are they flirting with you, or just being polite?   Is it just a part of their nature, just because they are a nice person and always wearing a smile for everyone that they see?  Or is it something more than that?  Could they really be flirting with you, are you flirting back at them?   Do they find you at all attractive, did they see something that they liked about you?  Is it your clothes, maybe the hat you wore that day that everyone tells you that you look great in, or is it just the way that you are standing there... being yourself?

You stand there, losing all sense of your surroundings.  Focusing in on that one person, how they look, how they carry themselves, every movement they make, trying to take it all in for as long as you possibly can.  You attempt to get closer to them, to reach out or maybe say something, hoping to hear them speak or to acknowledge that you exist if even in the smallest way.  Then it happens, they open their mouth to speak and the words float through your head like a drug, making you intoxicated on their very existence.  You stumble over your own words, becoming clumsy & giddy like a young school girl.  Trying to keep some sense of dignity, you try to keep your composure, hoping that you don't make a complete fool of yourself.  Did they notice that you were staring at them the whole time, almost to the point of drooling, although attempting to look as cool and confident as you can be in front of someone so incredibly good-looking?  You feel the butterflies in the pit of your stomach, fluttering around & making you feel something that you haven't felt before.  And yet you wonder, could there be a mutual attraction there, are they feeling the same thing that you are feeling right now?  Could this be the start of something more?  

You may never know the true answers to those questions, as reality starts sinking in.  Suddenly noticing that there is a group of people standing all around you.  That you are not alone, standing in the middle of a busy, crowded restaurant.  The blood starts to rush back to your head, you almost get dizzy with thoughts of bolting out of there as fast as you can, hoping that no one noticed the whole encounter.  You run back to your lonely world, wondering in the back of your mind, if by some weird twist of fate... that it really happened.  That you weren't just day-dreaming again of 'the ONE'.

Yes, this really happened to me, very recently in fact.  Who knows, if the story will be continued or not.  I guess you will just have to tune in at a later time to see for yourselves.  Til then, take care & hold onto your dreams, you never know when or where they might come true!