All the fight is gone, the search is over. I am giving up all hopes of finding the "One". He does not exist, he is not out there waiting for me. It is only a myth, a dream, a fantasy. It is happiness unfulfilled, a dream that will never become a reality, a made up story that only happens in the movies. I do not believe it is meant to happen for myself. If it was, it would've already happened by now.
I will end up being a sad & miserable old man, grumpy and pathetic. Someone that noone ever wants to go visit or talk to... oh wait, that is happening now!!!
I have been out & have flirted til there is nothing left to give anymore. No desire to even try to impress anyone anymore, not like I was hitting on much before the weight loss anyways. So, why should I start now?!?! Seems like the only guys I find interesting live hours away from me or in an entirely different state allgother. I sure have looked around here and the selections are slim to none. Unless I decide to move away from here in a year or so, sell my house & move up into the mountains to become a hermit, pretty much like Im doing now, or out towards the beach, which has always been my life long dream to live near water... nothing new or exciting is gonna happen in my life. I'm not even sure that people are truly reading these blogs, cept for a few comments made by my closest select friends. No comments. So this will be my last blog for a while, I am done writing about it and praying about it. God must be punishing me for something I have done & not quite sure what that is yet. Depressed & alone... forever!
I keep hearing people say, "oh, your so cute, your so sweet, you should have no problems finding someone". But I beg to differ, this has been the toughest thing I have ever tried to do in my life. Men are pigs, they only want one thing. Don't get me wrong, I want the same thing, but that isn't all I want, and it's not one of the biggest priorities on my list. I've talked about the need for romance and passion, but that is a lost cause. No guy out there is wanting that. They are only interested in a quickie, something to satisfy their needs and then they are gone in a flash. That is not what I am about.
I have decided to take a personal vow of celibacy & have followed it closely for the past 5 months. That's right, I said it... NO SEX until I can find the right person to break the curse. Maybe it will be possible to become a virgin again. WOOHOO, something I thought I would never hear myself saying, I want to be a virgin again. I want the next time that I decide to lay down with someone, that it will feel like the first time all over again.
Feeling depressed and alone, something I am gonna have to just get used to, have been for some time now. A co-worker asked me the other day if everything was ok, that I looked so sad & was quieter than usual. She told me that I usually hide it so well. But Im tired of trying to hide it, it is only making things worse.
I am not asking for pity, for anyone to feel sorry for me. It is what it is. I am just sitting here blabbing about it, to get it off my chest. If you wanna listen to me, fine, if you don't, fine. I don't really have the strength to even care anymore. I am exhausted & worn out from trying to give a shit about anything, what's the use. Farewell, if I get a feeling to write again, so be it. :(
I knew something was wrong!! It's ok you dont have to hide how you feel. I think it's unhealthy! And you blogging, seems to be a good outlet, which is needed! I can relate to your situation... I decided to just go and do my own thing, whatever that might be and if he comes along then great. But I'm NOT looking anymore. So with that said. Go do something fun for yourself and enjoy it.
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