!!!UPDATES!!!

Guess it's past time for some much needed updates, just to let everyone know what is going on in my life. Absolutely NOTHING, lol. (just kidding)

Where to begin?  Well, I found out that I am finally going to be an uncle this fall, supposed to go this Tuesday to find out the sex of the baby {WOOHOO}.  I have been asked over and over, what I might think it is going to be or what I hope it will be... I could care less, as long as it is healthy!!  Just knowing that it is already spoiled rotten, is good enough for me.  Yes, I will babysit on occasion, fuel it up on lots of sugary candy & chocolates, then send it back home to the parents to deal with for the night, I CAN'T WAIT... bwah hah hah haaaaaaa.

Not sure if any of you have noticed or not, but I did change my status on Facebook from "Single" to "In a Relationship".  I know... I was surprised too!!  It is complicated, to the fact that he lives in another state at the moment and we are working on trying to get him moved down here permanently.  Some of you may disagree with this situation, moving him in right away, but he makes me happy and that is all that matters to me.  Get over it.  It's my decision to make, if it doesn't work out, then that is for me to find out, live and learn.  I'm just so tired of living the single life, I have waited my entire life for someone like him & am willing to do anything to make it work out.  Just be happy and supportive is all that I ask of my family & friends, don't stick your noses where it doesn't belong.  Who are you to say or pass judgement on me, when most of the people I know have made the same decisions in their own love lives, good or bad, whose to say what doesn't work for some, won't work for me?!?!!!  Will just have to wait and see what happens.

I am finding that I am making a lot more new friends lately, which seems to be getting me out of the house more and more. Which is a very good thing, considering I have spent most of my adult life only interacting with the people that I meet online.  Seems that I am finally living life and truly enjoying the new experiences I am having.  Having fun & being carefree, living as though I have nothing left to lose... which is a huge improvement from where I was this time last year. Those of you who know my story, will understand where I am coming from.

And last but not least, I have been invited to the most exciting event of the year, my first gay wedding/ commitment ceremony.  Even though it is not legal in the state of North Carolina, they are still calling it a wedding & it was planned long before Amendment 1 ever came into the picture. Either way, it is going to be amazing & beautiful and I can't wait to attend.  Very formal, therefore I have to rent a tux, so look for upcoming pics to be plastered on my Facebook wall, might even post a few on the blog as well.  So proud for the happy couple!!!

That's all for now, that I can think of at the moment. "Too blessed to be stressed"  Anything is possible, when the sky is the limit.

Change is coming, whether you like it or not.

OK, so here goes, it is time to make some serious changes in the way I live my life.  I grew up dreaming of accomplishing one major triumph in my life, finding my one true love.  It has yet to happen, but that doesn't stop me from fighting to achieve that goal.  To have that "pursuit of happiness" everyone else around me keeps talking about.  But what good does it do me, if the state that I live in refuses to recognize it. 

My Facebook wall has been blowing up tonight with all the 'For' & 'Against' comments left by both sides concerning the latest Amendment 1 to the US Constitution on the NC voting ballot today.  I have been having my own personal battle with my thoughts about it all day.  Knowing that whatever the outcome of the results, that it would bring great change into my life and in the way that I continue to live.  Just because this amendment has passed for this state, it does not mean that "WE" will just disappear, it does not mean that there will not be many more ballots just like this one in other states to come, it does not mean that you can just pass this into law and we will sit idly by & just do nothing about it.  NO, we may have lost this little battle tonight, but the war is not over people.  I will continue to fight, along with every other person that this effects.  We will not be silenced and dismissed any longer. 

It angers me so much that we continue to live in a bigoted, greedy, hateful, phobic society.  A state, relentless of change for the better of ALL mankind.  How can I continue to live in a place that says I am not allowed to get married to my best friend, because he is of the same sex?  Maybe I should take it as a hint & just move to a society that accepts me for who I am, one that is not afraid of change & prosperity.  Perhaps, I need to make some very important decisions in the following days & months ahead of where I want to spend the rest of my life here on earth.  Here, living in bitter jealousy of my straight friends who can continue to get married... or in another state or country where I can live in peace & true happiness, where I will not be ashamed of who I am and who I love.  To tell the truth, that is probably what you are really wanting anyways, just a hopeless attempt to make us all pack up and leave town!!!  WE'RE HERE, WE'RE QUEER, GET USED TO IT

Taking a new direction ==>

Hard to believe we are coming up on the 3rd month of 2012 already...WOW, how time does fly!!  But it has been a wild ride thus far, some fun, some not so fun, well worth it none the less.  I am finding myself these days taking a look at my personal life and the people who surround me & found that I needed to make some very serious changes.  My new motto is:  "If you find that you are not happy with life or the way things are going, then make the necessary changes til you are happy!" 

I have had to make some drastic tweaks to my friends list on Facebook, things were getting out of control, and a lot of useless drama was being pursued in and around me that had to be stopped.  As I have no use for it & never have.  I made no warning that this was gonna happen, or as to why it was happening, but it happened regardless.  Needless to say, 75+/- UN-friends later, I am starting to feel a little better about myself.  Ain't it funny, how when you are in a bad mood, other people want to egg you on and encourage your anger to the point of doing something so extreme, that they end up..., well, mama always said, if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all!  ;~}

So, on to my next adventure... getting my lazy butt back into the gym.  I need to get back into a routine, something to keep me occupied & a great way to relieve some stress.  Also, spring is approaching fast, which means I can finally get out and start working in the yard again (my favorite past time).
And I am even more determined to start keeping this blog more up to date on my process as I continue to lose weight & get myself back into a better shape & healthier lifestyle (not to mention healthier frame of mind).  In the days ahead, I will work on setting some personal goals & achievements that I can strive to accomplish.  Thanks again for tuning in and reading.  Any and all suggestions are always welcome, along with positive words of encouragement.     ~BEAR HUGS  ;O)

A LOVE LETTER... (in 2 parts, to noone inparticular)*

*** Please note that this is not written to anyone in particular, just a love letter of sorts & some random thoughts about a special someone, whom I have yet to meet. Also, very fitting with Valentine's Day coming up tomorrow! Enjoy...

PART 1 -
I was just talking to someone the other day and they asked what it would take for me to start writing again. I told them frankly, it would take falling in love, or the smallest ounce of hope and inspiration that love does exist for me out there... somewhere!

I am always searching for love in the wrong places it seems. Always finding it in those who are thousands of miles away, in a far off city or another state, or wherever they might be. Different circumstances each time for each one. There is always some obstacle standing in my way. Blocking me from the happiness I seek, that I yearn and long for. They say that there is someone for everyone. And I believe that, I truly do. Whose to say that you have to fall in love with someone in your own town, your own school, your own state, or even in your own country. Love knows no distance, love knows no boundaries. We don't have a choice in choosing our soulmates. That is pre-destined for us.... some may never find them, spending their whole lives searching for them, no matter the cost or the consequences.

I have spent many endless sleepless nights searching for that same prize. And I sincerely think that I have not experienced it yet, that feeling of fulfillment, overflowing with joy and excitement, beaming from ear to ear at the mere thought of someone else sharing those same feelings that I do. That indescribable sensation, your skin is alive with electrifying jolts of energy bursting from every single pore on your body. The hairs on the back of your neck standing on end, goosebumps running down your spine, your face is glowing, your eyes are sparkling, you feel like you could run a marathon & yet you are floating on a cloud somewhere up in the heavens and your feet may never reach the ground again. You are invincable, nothing can stand in your way, you can accomplish anything just with the confidence of knowing that someone loves you as much as you love them.

Your soulmate, your partner, your best friend, your confidant, your P.I.C.(partner in crime), your better half. It is a very precious bond between two people, a commitment between two souls merging together as one love. It is so sacred, that I cherish the moment when I can enjoy that intense sensation for myself. It should not be taken lightly or taken for granite. It is a precious gift, a privilege and an honor to experience such a love as this.

I want this more than anything in the world. Someone to love me as much as I love them. To show them the respect and courtesy that they deserve on a daily basis. To shower them with love and adoration. To welcome them with open arms. To shower them with love and affection. To take notice everyday and thank God above for the blessings he has given ME.

　PART 2 -
I am writing this letter to let you know my true feelings toward you. I have always had problems showing my emotions to others. I have always been shy and quiet when it comes to interacting with strangers or just people in general. But as I grow older, I am finding it easier to express myself in ways that I have never been able to do before. If you want something bad enough, you have to speak up and be heard. You have to let them know that you exist, that you are here and they will listen to what you have to say.

I constantly think about who you are, what you look like, what you smell like. I find myself daydreaming, drifting off into another dimension somewhere, wondering what you are doing. Curious about how you spend your days & your nights. Who are the people that you come in contact with on a daily basis? Who are your closest friends? What is your family like, do you get along with all of them, some of them or none at all. These are just a few of the things that I think about non-stop.

I wonder if you think about me as much as I spend thinking about you. I like to imagine what it would be like to finally meet you, to see if there is a connection there. There is someone for everyone, but is that someone your soulmate? Do you have a connection, unlike any other with that person that you are with? Do they make you happy? Do they make you feel special, do they treat you with the care and respect that you so richly deserve? Do you feel as if there could be more out there, somewhere, that there could be someone else that is feeling the same way you do right this very moment. They are wanting the same things that you want. They are wanting to love and be loved unconditionally.

I think about what it would be like to come home to your smiling face everyday. To look into those gorgeous eyes of yours on a daily basis. To be feeling your warm embrace, as we are in each others arms, holding on for dear life, as if the moment that we let go, it could be a lifetime before we get to feel that hug again. To taste your sweet luscious lips, to see if they taste as juicy as they look. The thought of feeling your hands running over my skin, sends waves of electricity up and down my spine, knowing that I will surely feel a spark when our fingers come in contact with one anothers. These are the feelings that I want to experience with you on a daily basis.

But there is so much more to experience, so much that there aren't enough words to describe them all. When those two hearts come together to form one perfect union, that it is impossible to realize where one body begins and the other body ends. Hands exploring, searching, roaming over each other's bodies, reaching out and feeling for that one particular spot on your body that makes your eyes roll back in your head, and you start to growl and moan from down deep inside as the hunger that your soul has been yearning for, finally gets fed. And that is only just the beginning, and we havent even made it to the bedroom yet.

I am very passionate about everything that I do and everything that I have within me to fulfill your every wish & deepest desires. I want you.... beside me, near me, next to me, WITH ME. I know that it is an impossible dream, but I dare to dream BIG. Always have, always will. I know that someday it will happen, if it is meant to be, it could be the best thing that has ever happened to either one of us. Each day a new adventure, each new discovery a wonderful experience. To learn as well as teach each other new things & to strive to be better people because of it. I hope that this letter has found you well and holds a special place in your heart, locked away next to the things that you hold dear. And I pray that someday, I will hold the key to that special place as well.


Sincerely yours,

E. Scrooge

This is starting to become a place where I come and feel more down each time I post something new.  The holidays are approaching us once again, seems to come faster and faster with each passing year.  The older I get, the more I HATE the holidays, despise them, loathe them even.  They are only meant for couples.  With each holiday brings more hatred and a sad reminder of how alone I am in this world. 

A little piece of me dies more and more each time that I have to listen to someone else bragging about all the presents they are getting for their loved ones.  Uuugggghh... I can't take it anymore!!  Somebody, anybody, please just shoot me already & put me out of my misery. 

It has been a very rough couple days this past week.  Hell, it has really been a rough year if ya wanna know the truth.  Think it started back on last New Year's Eve, the countdown to midnight had begun & I found myself surrounded by a crowd of happy couples reaching & grabbing their spouses or significant others for that exclusive first kiss of the new year.  There I was sitting in the corner, all alone & asking myself, "What in the world am I doing here?"  It was shear torture, like someone was just twisting the knife in my heart & giving it a hundred little jabs.  Awkward floods of tears welled up in my eyes, filled with emotion & disgust, that I quickly choked back, so as no one would have recognized the pain I was feeling at that moment.  Hoping no one had noticed and would then run over to ask me what was wrong.  Yea, like that was what I needed, for someone to come and point out that the only obvious single guy there was feeling alone and depressed.  As usual, no one ever really notices me, that is my curse & my fate.

Of course, everyone knows the next big holiday to come was the dreaded V-day. That is the worst holiday of them all.  This year, I actually had plans to meet someone,  a first date meeting in fact.  Would have actually been a first date for me EVER on Valentine's Day...ever.  But the guy canceled at last minute, and never heard from him again until 9 months later.  Hahaha, long funny story. Not gonna get into that one on here now though.  Just wasn't "meant to be".

If you have read my other posts you should already know what happened over the next several months between Memorial Day, the 4th of July & the events leading up to current day.  Things just kept going in a downward spiral as the year went on.

Present day, 2 weeks before Christmas, and I haven't even put up my tree yet or had the desire to get in the "SPIRIT of the SEASON".  And it has always been my favorite holiday, but not anymore.  There is no sense in putting up a tree that no one will ever see, and there will definitely be no presents to be put underneath it, and no sense in decorating since no one will be visiting my house this year.  It just doesn't feel like Christmas this year to me, it has come so quickly, here's hoping that it flies by just as quickly!!!!

I wish certain people would stop asking me about my love life, asking me if I'm talking to anyone new or seeing anyone in particular.  I'm not, and probably never will again.  The fight is gone, the search is over.  I don't have the desire to talk to potential dates anymore, cause it just ain't gonna happen.  People say, maybe you're trying to hard, stop looking for love & let it find you.  But even if I did, those feelings won't just go away, it is always there in the back of my mind, wondering if that person is really out there, if it is truly meant to be or will it ever become a reality for me.  If that person is out there looking for me, then they need to try a little harder to find me, they need to work as hard as I have been or harder if they want to be with me.  Because 37 years is too long of a wait & a lost cause, if you ask me, don't you think?

BAH-HUMBUG 
;{p

Freedom is only a click away >>>

I hadn't realized just how much of an affect you had on my heart and my mind, until just a few minutes ago. 

I was checking my facebook friends walls and ran across yours... that was the moment that it hit me.  You were talking some off the wall crap, that needed to be ignored, but it really hit me where it counts the most.  Down deep in my heart.... I guess your little mind-games and wicked words still had control over how I felt towards other guys and just men in general.  I almost lost a great friendship tonight, which all leads back to the way you treated me.  You had me completely brain-washed in believing that you had true genuine feelings for me.  But that wasn't the case, was it.  I was just your escape, a way out of your own pathetic excuse of a life.  I see that now, all too clearly.

You knew all the right words to say, to get me to believe your coniving, back-handed ways of thinking.  I was convinced that you cared for me, that you loved me, you even was the one to say it first.  Actually, you were the only one to say it!!  I never uttered those words... ever... to anyone before.  But I thought that it had to be true, because of the things you were saying sounded very heartfelt & sincere.  I felt sorry for you, and even pity for the stories you had told me about your upbringing and your background of the pain & abusive things you had to endure while growing up.  I won't go into details here, because it is not my story to tell, it was yours!!  Whether it was true or not, still remains to be seen.  It doesn't matter, that just because you had to endure it, you used it to your advantage to get people's sympathy and kind gestures to turn things around in your favor, to get what it was you wanted most... attention!  That is just mean and wrong on so many levels.  Not to mention it changed the way that I feel and look at men now. 

Trust is a big issue for me, always has & always will be.  It is hard enough for a single gay man to try to find a partner in this world today.  Let alone, one that is decent, trustworthy, kind, sincere, caring, monagomous or even interested in you for just being you and not just about sex!!!  I thought you were all of that, Boy was I ever wrong!!!

So, tonight, I did the one thing I should have done after the day I finally got to meet you.  After driving for four hours non-stop. After weeks and months of crying myself to sleep, in a deep depression, wondering what it was I had done to deserve to be treated like that. Thinking I was better off dead or to disappear off the face of the earth, to go where noone else could ever find me again.  Where I didn't have to worry about being hurt like that ever again.  And I wouldn't have to think about guys or love or asking myself those same questions over and over that would never get answered. After all of that, the lightswitch popped on over my head. I had finally found the freedom I was looking for to get over you once and for all.  I have blocked you, deleted you from my contacts, erased any and all messages and/or bad memories that I have of you from my life.

But proudly, I can say now that, I'm a little bit stronger. I have a little bit more confidence now & know what it is I have to do to find the peace and happiness that I so greatly deserve and am trying to achieve in my life.  I have to love and respect my self more now, to make damn sure that people like you and this sort of thing never happens to me or anyone else ever again!!!!!!

If there is a lesson to be learned here, it should be this... that no matter what hurt or pain you have suffered from the hands of someone else - You can move on with your life, and be happy once again. You can learn to leave them in the past and focus on your future.  There will come a day when it will only be a bad memory, like a bad dream, this too shall pass. You can have your freedom back from these bullies, abusers, brain-washers and demons that you have encountered.  Life does go on, so try to take it one day at a time & make each one of them count.  You should live each day as if though it were your last. Cherish each breath you take & each moment that takes your breath away. Love those around you & let them know just how much they mean to you today, right now, right this second, because they might not be around later. 

To each one of you reading this right now, if I havent told you lately, I love and cherish each and every one of you. Til we meet again, take care & may God watch over you and protect you til then.

Giving up...

All the fight is gone, the search is over.  I am giving up all hopes of finding the "One".  He does not exist, he is not out there waiting for me.  It is only a myth, a dream, a fantasy.  It is happiness unfulfilled, a dream that will never become a reality, a made up story that only happens in the movies.  I do not believe it is meant to happen for myself.  If it was, it would've already happened by now. 

I will end up being a sad & miserable old man, grumpy and pathetic.  Someone that noone ever wants to go visit or talk to... oh wait, that is happening now!!! 

I have been out & have flirted til there is nothing left to give anymore.  No desire to even try to impress anyone anymore, not like I was hitting on much before the weight loss anyways.  So, why should I start now?!?!  Seems like the only guys I find interesting live hours away from me or in an entirely different state allgother.  I sure have looked around here and the selections are slim to none.  Unless I decide to move away from here in a year or so, sell my house & move up into the mountains to become a hermit, pretty much like Im doing now, or out towards the beach, which has always been my life long dream to live near water... nothing new or exciting is gonna happen in my life.  I'm not even sure that people are truly reading these blogs, cept for a few comments made by my closest select friends.  No comments.  So this will be my last blog for a while, I am done writing about it and praying about it.  God must be punishing me for something I have done & not quite sure what that is yet.  Depressed & alone... forever!

I keep hearing people say, "oh, your so cute, your so sweet, you should have no problems finding someone".  But I beg to differ, this has been the toughest thing I have ever tried to do in my life.  Men are pigs, they only want one thing.  Don't get me wrong, I want the same thing, but that isn't all I want, and it's not one of the biggest priorities on my list.  I've talked about the need for romance and passion, but that is a lost cause.  No guy out there is wanting that.  They are only interested in a quickie, something to satisfy their needs and then they are gone in a flash.  That is not what I am about. 

I have decided to take a personal vow of celibacy & have followed it closely for the past 5 months.  That's right, I said it... NO SEX until I can find the right person to break the curse.  Maybe it will be possible to become a virgin again.  WOOHOO, something I thought I would never hear myself saying, I want to be a virgin again.  I want the next time that I decide to lay down with someone, that it will feel like the first time all over again. 

Feeling depressed and alone, something I am gonna have to just get used to, have been for some time now.  A co-worker asked me the other day if everything was ok, that I looked so sad & was quieter than usual.  She told me that I usually hide it so well.  But Im tired of trying to hide it, it is only making things worse. 

I am not asking for pity, for anyone to feel sorry for me.  It is what it is.  I am just sitting here blabbing about it, to get it off my chest.  If you wanna listen to me, fine, if you don't, fine. I don't really have the strength to even care anymore.  I am exhausted & worn out from trying to give a shit about anything, what's the use.  Farewell, if I get a feeling to write again, so be it.   :(